Reduce work, try sports and something like Yoga to bring your body and mind back on track. Don't forget to socialize with your friends on a regular basis :)
Well, you took a swing at it and you missed. You can give yourself credit for that at least.
Everything else is managing your expectations. There's something about being 22 that's tough -- lots of people are advancing in their careers, and you're just starting out.
So don't drink the Kool-Aid. Forget about the valley. Don't be greedy. Once you learn to enjoy your life again and have confidence that you can be a positive contributing member of society, reconsider the mantle. Emotional stability is like muscle power -- you must build it over time with care. And you need an abnormal amount of emotional stability to handle SV startups.
I'm sorry that I cannot read your letter more thoroughly right now, but I'll give you one little piece of advice after reading the first couple of paragraphs. A word of warning, basically:
Remember what inspired you down your path, and where that path took you. You got your inspiration in the same place you are asking for advice now. So, please take all the advice you will get here with a grain of salt.
Nobody practices what they preach.
If you know who your friends are, and who loves you - those are the people you should listen to.
Like you, I also have "world changing" ideas to make people's lives easier and healthier
I hear that a lot in the startup scene where I live. It's bullshit.
First and foremost, an idea is never world-changing. It's the execution of the idea that changes things. Until it has been executed successfully and actually changed the world, all it is is an idea. The impact can only be assessed later.
Secondly, most people don't have ideas that will make "other people's" lives better for some nebulous concept of "other people". Ideas that work are born from problems you see every day - usually pains that you suffer yourself, but equally pains that you see your loved ones or co-workers struggling with over and over again. Unless you have direct, first-hand experience of something it's very difficult to see a way to solve it because you don't know what will make it better.
It sounds very much like you're putting yourself under a huge amount of pressure. Find a way to stop doing that. Find something that you think will be interesting, fun, and will also contribute to the social good and make the world a better place for a few people. If you're working on something that has real potential, other people will soon start to put the pressure on for you.
I would add to your excellent points that the important breakthrough for me was to stop worrying about world-changing ideas and focus on getting the small libraries right.
Often times the ideas that really make a difference are not the big ones but the little ones executed well.
"First and foremost, an idea is never world-changing. It's the execution of the idea that changes things. Until it has been executed successfully and actually changed the world, all it is is an idea. The impact can only be assessed later."
Frankly, I believe ideas can be quite impactful. Think of any math concept. Weren't they ideas? Where's the execution? Or more philosophical terms, such as panta rei, "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.", "communism" etc, aren't those ideas?
My point is that I think boundaries are not as defined.
Unless we spend some time defining "idea".
but on the general "stop whining, start doing" underlying message I do agree 100%.
I very nearly added a caveat about ideas in philosophy, politics, etc. The reason I didn't is because, really, those ideas don't actually change the world. People acting on them is how the world changes. In maths the discovery of something leads people to work on further discoveries - standing on the shoulders of giants as it were - so again it's the work that changes things. Ideas can definitely be a catalyst, but of themselves all that can be said is that they motivate people to change the world rather than change the world themselves.
Although, all that said, I've not given it a huge amount of thought. I could be wrong.
And even in math, its not as if the idea is all there is, and then boom, done. New math concepts take a significant amount of work as well, and the execution can be a significant factor as to whether the idea lays in obscurity, or is picked up and used by the wider body of the math community. There have been plenty of groundbreaking math concepts that were thought of, but nobody followed through to see whether they worked, what the implication were, or how they could be applied.
Feel free to disagree, but think of it this way: ideas are possibilities. Until they are attempted, sometimes repeatedly, they are in-flux.
It's the same as the concept of "desire" vs. "intention" vs. "goal" vs. "reality". Ideas without work put into their execution are still in the "intention" phase. Yes, they are boundless, but practically aren't worth anything until they are actualized... that takes a lot of hard work.
I agree. School is a great way to learn about things and where mistakes are forgiven. You learn through mistakes.
Successful companies will all have you believe they started out in garages, out of cafes, etc.
1. Don't believe them
2. Don't think that you are not the exception, aka Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg. You are NOT the smartest person in the world, you do NOT have original ideas and you are NOT someone everyone has been waiting for in a long while. You have to find out what you like being good at and what you like becoming better at and just do that. I know what it feels like to see all this cool technology and you want to do a little bit of everything of it, but there are not jobs and in the end no satisfaction in the field of little-bit-of-everything.
3. Also, sleeping and eating healthy actually is long term advice as well as short term. Even better; you are probably more productive if you spend less time on projects, work, etc than you are 'burning the midnight oil'. Again, you are not the exception here. I used to say "I am a night person, I don't need to sleep as much". Bullshit. Everybody needs sleep.
I pasted on Pastebin because of 2000 characters limit. Thanks a lot to everyone who took time to hear me and thought of helping me out with kind words and motivation.
If you're in Kathmandu, consider going to Delhi and seeing a Psychologist (I recommend Apollo; Dr Rakhi Aanand there is awesome). You'll be better sooner that you think.
It sounds like you are trying too hard to feel validated and you want immediate success. You have written a very long piece including your entire background, the success of your peers compared to yourself, the positions and awards you have gotten in various competitions (for better or worse). You sound entirely focused on accolades and achievements yet you have only been going at this for at most 1/2 years.
You need to calm down and slow down. You are only 22/23. You have so much time ahead of you and you have to walk before you can run. You have burned yourself out by too high expectations. It's not as easy as having an idea, hacking away at it for a few months and then reaping the reward.
I would suggest lowering your expectations over the short term and trying to come up with some realistic goals for the next few months. Not "launch great project in 6 months" but "talk to 5 people about the validity of feature X in the 7 days" etc.
You've already helped yourself by acknowledging the problem, writing about it and telling your family and friends.
Dont worry, you dont actually feel it when you hit 30. But I get the feeling you are talking about.
I started programming relatively late, mid-twenties, and started as a CS student when I was 28. For the first two years I had this idea that I had to be faster and better than the younger students, to have a chance. But the world doesnt work that way. What matters is to try and figure out what you actually want to do, and then spend the time it takes to do it.
Get a team! Seriously, it sounds you're basically working alone most of the time. This doesn't work for most people (including me) - find a small, "doable" project, doesn't have to be world changing, that you and some other people can complete (complete = getting to measurable result) in a month or two. Even if it fails, you're still in a mentally & emotionally better situation than before. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, you've got time for those world-changing projects later on.
What I can tell you is that you are not alone. The startup/coding world, and even just the world in general can be very stressful. Many of us have gone through similar things as you.
It is important to figure out yourself first, and move on from there. You may sometimes try to handle everything internally and it is just impossible to do that all of the time. If you reach out to your friends and family I think they will be more supportive and understanding than you may think.
Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to - its my user @gmail.
You're burning out because you're thinking the world works the same way that you experience it through lenses like Hacker News, tech blogs and the like.
Stop reading them. Seriously, they are damaging your world view - ESPECIALLY HACKER NEWS. If you can't read these things with a critical eye, you will end up in a death spiral where you feel constantly inadaquate. I speak from some personal experience here...
Turn off the computer and go outside. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Go to a local tech meetup. Meet other people. Talk to other people. THIS is where you will learn how to do what you want to do.
You will not change the world with a web app. No one changes the world with a web app. Or an android app. Or an iPhone app.
The world is vast and has many places that need smart people. Find those places, adapt to what they need and start solving problems in the way you can - not by what you think the tech world would do.
Start small, think long term. Build something every day (even if it's trivial). Think of life as a long hike. Each moment feels short, meaningless, but after a while you will turn around and look back at how far you have gone and will be absolutely astonished.
You will not change the world with a web app. No one changes the world with a web app. Or an android app. Or an iPhone app.
There's no need to lie. The advice is otherwise good.
The world is vast and has many places that need smart people. Find those places, adapt to what they need and start solving problems in the way you can
The world is built to exploit smart people. I personally think they should focus on themselves and stop caring what other people want out of them, but I don't know whether that'd be best.
I don't think it's a lie. Most web apps will not change the world. As a community, I think we should be okay with that.
Mike Judd was interviewed recently about Silicon Valley, his new show, and he remarks about the difference between Hollywood and the valley:
Silicon Valley, more even now than when I was there, they’re always talking about how they’re making the world a better place. And maybe in some ways they are, but it’s just funny. Like the richest, most successful people in our business, in Hollywood — just picking an example, J.J. Abrams or [producer] Joel Silver — they’re like, you know, "I want to make really cool stuff. I love what I do." They’re not saying "I’m saving the world through my movies."
While I don't think the comparison to Hollywood of all places is apt I do understand the spirit of what he's saying. Why can't we just enjoy what we do instead of kill ourselves trying so desperately to impress everybody else?
Perhaps that fact alone is enough to lead to serious burnout.
My point is that no one will ever change the world with a bit of software. Software is not revolutionary. The processes it describes, and the people it influences, THOSE are what is revolutionary.
The printing press was NOT revolutionary. It enabled revolution, sure, but the tool or the tech itself was not the important part in the grand scheme.
Too much of what I see on this site focuses passion for the tech (which I am all for), mixed with blind ignorance for it's actual importance outside of the very narrow world that is Silicon Valley.
100% yes. Being a hacker is a tool. It's a tricky one because you are not facing the real world, the world you're building for.
At the end of the day the objective of any life should be happiness, giving or obtaining it, ideally both. Always take a step back if you're not getting there.
This is wonderful advice and feedback. I agree with kirklove that is sheer wisdom. I know that "right on!" feedback like I'm giving here is adding nothing, but an up-vote is not enough. Thank you blindhippo.
So true. On one side you have tech blogs & hackers launching successful (or not) start ups. But one should not forget that on the other side you still have many people in big companies dealing with pre 90' databases or applications, interacting with their unhelpful computer guy, struggling with ie6 or ie7. You can bring some joy to them one application at a time.
I concur with this comment. Few years ago I was in a similar situation. I was not in a mission to change the world, though. All I wanted was to be a programmer, good enough to earn enough money. Along the way, I burned out. I have not achieved any of my set goals.
But it was easier for me to move on - or, my situation forced me to move on. You see, I have a wife and 2 kids. I need to continue to work. I didn't become a programmer, but life goes on.
I have other goals I wanted to pursue. Damn, I failed to reach those goals again. And life goes on again.
I want to get better and I fail each time I try. But, I am a better person after every failure. I become a better person because of my failures.
Life is not that complicated if you know when to pick up the pieces and move on.
I can't speak personally to your culture, but the symptoms here sound like very strong social pressure to avoid failure. Couple this with a strong cultural emphasis on the importance of family (and not disappointing them), and I can see this resulting in extreme stress.
To succeed as an entrepreneur requires coping with fear of failure. In the US we are lucky enough to see failure as part of the process of learning, and we are also a very individualistic society, which of course comes with its own downsides, but at least it makes it much easier for most people to reject familial pressure to do things a certain way.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but you are young and have plenty of time to figure this stuff out. I hope you can find a support system within your friends or family that will listen and understand what you are trying to accomplish. A little bit of such support can go a long way, it's very hard to do it alone.
But I bet you will benefit more from getting out of the box you're stuck in now. You've allowed yourself to get hemmed in by one or more false assumptions about yourself and the world. Find those and destroy them. You've got unique strengths. Use those, not the ones Everybody Else wants you to have.
Keep doing what you're doing now: taking a break. You evidenced some initial interest in drawing or modelling, perhaps go back to doing that for a hobby. Reconnect with your friends, as you are. Perhaps go on a trip. You're burned out because you've been pushing yourself too hard.
Give your mind some time to relax. Take all the time that you need. Maybe a few months. Maybe a year or more. The time will come when you know you're ready to get back to changing the world.
I also seeked medical help but got disappointed by suggestions like "sleep a lot and eat well". That helps but not in the long run; neither can prevent this situation from happening in future.
Your body is not just the carrying case for your brain. Your brain is an integral part of your body. Taking care of your body is taking care of your brain.
Depression often follows not taking care of yourself. If your body is suffering your brain (emotions, intellect) suffer along with it.
Sleeping enough, eating well, exercise is necessary for healthy emotions as well as healthy body. May seem boring but I think of it as fundamental background work to keep the entire system working well.
Yes! The key to convincing yourself of this is to admit to yourself how little productivity you get out of staying up and how much productivity you get out of feeling halfway decent because you've had sleep. If you don't know this to be true, measure it. Make a spreadsheet in google docs. Three columns:
The best news in this situation is that you are able to articulate it and that you have done so to your peers here and to your friends and family. You are far from having all hope being lost.
Your symptoms sound very much like a combination of anxiety disorder and depression or dysthymia. I dealt with / deal with these things too. I'm 36 now and life is pretty interesting and good, but I remember being right where you are when I was in my early twenties. It's especially difficult for smart, introspective, creative people because you think that you should be able to "fix yourself". While it can be possible to pull yourself up out of a depressed state, it sounds like you are too far down to do that. You really should seek help from a psychiatrist who can determine if you would benefit from medication. The medication is hopefully a tool to give you the mental space to get up and stay up. I don't know what the access to mental health care is like where you are or if there is a big stigma with being diagnosed with a mental illness; I hope that's not the case.
One thing that I did not see you mention was exercise. It's so damn important. You must force yourself to be active, ideally early in the morning - I know from my experience and the experience of others that even a half hour of exercise can help with your mood for the rest of the day. For me it takes the "immediacy" of anxiety down a notch.
Aside from exercise, establish a daily routine and stick with it. Get up at the same time of day, eat at the same times, exercise, sleep, etc. - the consistency can also help with anxiety and becomes a framework into which you can fit all of the other "things" like learning and coding.
I wish you well. I'm sure that a lot of us wish you well - from all over the world. Every human is beautiful, precious, and worthy of being happy and not suffering.
This is one of the most grounded and realistic responses at the moment, and I would like to add a bit from my experiences with anxiety and depression.
While my symptoms weren't as severe when I went to see a psychiatrist he stated future sessions would be less about therapy and more focused on how the medication was working. This may have been poor luck on my part but I instead found a PhD level Psychologist instead because their focus is on perspective and providing you with mental tools you can use over and over again.
That said, I'm not discouraging medication, simply ask your psychiatrist about how much therapy you can expect in addition to the medication, and considered also using a psychologist to help provide mental tools.
If you look to external sources for validation, you will always be 'behind, not enough, etc'. Just find what makes you happy. Don't stay up all night. Take care of yourself and you will be just fine. And if things get worse, go talk to someone qualified to help. And don't lie to everyone about what you are doing. That compounds the problem.
It sounds like you are struggling with a fairly serious combination of stress / anxiety / depression / disappointment. I know that you have dreams of turning your big ideas into reality, but the more important thing now is to stabilize your life, deepen your knowledge about the world and subjects that interest you, and create a clear path where you can see yourself succeeding in the next few years.
The reality may be that now isn't the time to be out of school and working on a startup on your own. I would seriously consider going back to college, learning everything you can while there, and then making your next move once you are feeling more stable. While there, focus on not putting too much pressure on yourself to change the world. If you want to stand a chance at "changing the world", you will first need to spend some time in a stable place where you can learn to manage your psychological state.
College also comes with the opportunity to deepen your knowledge base so you have more to offer the world. Once you have managed to get your life and emotional state under control, you will in a better place to figure out how to turn your big ideas into reality.
Your early 20s are all about feeling pressure to make your mark on the world, but not necessarily knowing how. I think a lot of people struggle with that.
But, barring medical or unforeseen tragedy, you've got a Lon ways to go.
5 years seems like a lot of time when you're 22. But less so when you're 30, and even less when you're older.
I second the suggestion that you might want to talk all this out with a therapist who's objective and can spend some good time wih you.
But at least for me, the best advice I got in my early 20s was "don't worry so much, life has a way of finding you"
This too shall pass. It sounds like you ordered the CS smorgasbord and are now feeling the fatigue of all the effort expended to wrap your mind around it. Like someone else said, meditate. Recognize that changing the world is a noble goal, but meaningful change is an incremental thing, and really, those that change that world rarely end up doing so because that was their intention, but rather because they followed a path they found interesting that just happened to lead them there.
Oh, and make sure to get your diet, exercise, and sleep game dialed. High cortisol levels destroy your brain and make you stupid. It happened to me and took almost 5 years to heal.
95 comments
[ 3.7 ms ] story [ 160 ms ] threadMany times certainly not. Don't forget that you could just accept an easy job for a while.
Everything else is managing your expectations. There's something about being 22 that's tough -- lots of people are advancing in their careers, and you're just starting out.
So don't drink the Kool-Aid. Forget about the valley. Don't be greedy. Once you learn to enjoy your life again and have confidence that you can be a positive contributing member of society, reconsider the mantle. Emotional stability is like muscle power -- you must build it over time with care. And you need an abnormal amount of emotional stability to handle SV startups.
Good luck.
EDIT for a missing 'to' :)
Remember what inspired you down your path, and where that path took you. You got your inspiration in the same place you are asking for advice now. So, please take all the advice you will get here with a grain of salt.
Nobody practices what they preach.
If you know who your friends are, and who loves you - those are the people you should listen to.
I hear that a lot in the startup scene where I live. It's bullshit.
First and foremost, an idea is never world-changing. It's the execution of the idea that changes things. Until it has been executed successfully and actually changed the world, all it is is an idea. The impact can only be assessed later.
Secondly, most people don't have ideas that will make "other people's" lives better for some nebulous concept of "other people". Ideas that work are born from problems you see every day - usually pains that you suffer yourself, but equally pains that you see your loved ones or co-workers struggling with over and over again. Unless you have direct, first-hand experience of something it's very difficult to see a way to solve it because you don't know what will make it better.
It sounds very much like you're putting yourself under a huge amount of pressure. Find a way to stop doing that. Find something that you think will be interesting, fun, and will also contribute to the social good and make the world a better place for a few people. If you're working on something that has real potential, other people will soon start to put the pressure on for you.
Often times the ideas that really make a difference are not the big ones but the little ones executed well.
My point is that I think boundaries are not as defined. Unless we spend some time defining "idea".
but on the general "stop whining, start doing" underlying message I do agree 100%.
Although, all that said, I've not given it a huge amount of thought. I could be wrong.
It's the same as the concept of "desire" vs. "intention" vs. "goal" vs. "reality". Ideas without work put into their execution are still in the "intention" phase. Yes, they are boundless, but practically aren't worth anything until they are actualized... that takes a lot of hard work.
Successful companies will all have you believe they started out in garages, out of cafes, etc.
1. Don't believe them
2. Don't think that you are not the exception, aka Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg. You are NOT the smartest person in the world, you do NOT have original ideas and you are NOT someone everyone has been waiting for in a long while. You have to find out what you like being good at and what you like becoming better at and just do that. I know what it feels like to see all this cool technology and you want to do a little bit of everything of it, but there are not jobs and in the end no satisfaction in the field of little-bit-of-everything.
3. Also, sleeping and eating healthy actually is long term advice as well as short term. Even better; you are probably more productive if you spend less time on projects, work, etc than you are 'burning the midnight oil'. Again, you are not the exception here. I used to say "I am a night person, I don't need to sleep as much". Bullshit. Everybody needs sleep.
You need to calm down and slow down. You are only 22/23. You have so much time ahead of you and you have to walk before you can run. You have burned yourself out by too high expectations. It's not as easy as having an idea, hacking away at it for a few months and then reaping the reward.
I would suggest lowering your expectations over the short term and trying to come up with some realistic goals for the next few months. Not "launch great project in 6 months" but "talk to 5 people about the validity of feature X in the 7 days" etc.
You've already helped yourself by acknowledging the problem, writing about it and telling your family and friends.
I started programming relatively late, mid-twenties, and started as a CS student when I was 28. For the first two years I had this idea that I had to be faster and better than the younger students, to have a chance. But the world doesnt work that way. What matters is to try and figure out what you actually want to do, and then spend the time it takes to do it.
It is important to figure out yourself first, and move on from there. You may sometimes try to handle everything internally and it is just impossible to do that all of the time. If you reach out to your friends and family I think they will be more supportive and understanding than you may think.
Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to - its my user @gmail.
Stop reading them. Seriously, they are damaging your world view - ESPECIALLY HACKER NEWS. If you can't read these things with a critical eye, you will end up in a death spiral where you feel constantly inadaquate. I speak from some personal experience here...
Turn off the computer and go outside. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Go to a local tech meetup. Meet other people. Talk to other people. THIS is where you will learn how to do what you want to do.
You will not change the world with a web app. No one changes the world with a web app. Or an android app. Or an iPhone app.
The world is vast and has many places that need smart people. Find those places, adapt to what they need and start solving problems in the way you can - not by what you think the tech world would do.
Start small, think long term. Build something every day (even if it's trivial). Think of life as a long hike. Each moment feels short, meaningless, but after a while you will turn around and look back at how far you have gone and will be absolutely astonished.
There's no need to lie. The advice is otherwise good.
The world is vast and has many places that need smart people. Find those places, adapt to what they need and start solving problems in the way you can
The world is built to exploit smart people. I personally think they should focus on themselves and stop caring what other people want out of them, but I don't know whether that'd be best.
Mike Judd was interviewed recently about Silicon Valley, his new show, and he remarks about the difference between Hollywood and the valley:
Silicon Valley, more even now than when I was there, they’re always talking about how they’re making the world a better place. And maybe in some ways they are, but it’s just funny. Like the richest, most successful people in our business, in Hollywood — just picking an example, J.J. Abrams or [producer] Joel Silver — they’re like, you know, "I want to make really cool stuff. I love what I do." They’re not saying "I’m saving the world through my movies."
While I don't think the comparison to Hollywood of all places is apt I do understand the spirit of what he's saying. Why can't we just enjoy what we do instead of kill ourselves trying so desperately to impress everybody else?
Perhaps that fact alone is enough to lead to serious burnout.
http://www.theverge.com/2014/3/14/5496482/mike-judge-silicon...
I would assume that the author meant that "you will not change the world with [only] a web app. No one changes the world with [only] a web app..."
My point is that no one will ever change the world with a bit of software. Software is not revolutionary. The processes it describes, and the people it influences, THOSE are what is revolutionary.
The printing press was NOT revolutionary. It enabled revolution, sure, but the tool or the tech itself was not the important part in the grand scheme.
Too much of what I see on this site focuses passion for the tech (which I am all for), mixed with blind ignorance for it's actual importance outside of the very narrow world that is Silicon Valley.
At the end of the day the objective of any life should be happiness, giving or obtaining it, ideally both. Always take a step back if you're not getting there.
But it was easier for me to move on - or, my situation forced me to move on. You see, I have a wife and 2 kids. I need to continue to work. I didn't become a programmer, but life goes on.
I have other goals I wanted to pursue. Damn, I failed to reach those goals again. And life goes on again.
I want to get better and I fail each time I try. But, I am a better person after every failure. I become a better person because of my failures.
Life is not that complicated if you know when to pick up the pieces and move on.
Fail often. Then move on.
To succeed as an entrepreneur requires coping with fear of failure. In the US we are lucky enough to see failure as part of the process of learning, and we are also a very individualistic society, which of course comes with its own downsides, but at least it makes it much easier for most people to reject familial pressure to do things a certain way.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but you are young and have plenty of time to figure this stuff out. I hope you can find a support system within your friends or family that will listen and understand what you are trying to accomplish. A little bit of such support can go a long way, it's very hard to do it alone.
https://www.moodcure.com/
But I bet you will benefit more from getting out of the box you're stuck in now. You've allowed yourself to get hemmed in by one or more false assumptions about yourself and the world. Find those and destroy them. You've got unique strengths. Use those, not the ones Everybody Else wants you to have.
Give your mind some time to relax. Take all the time that you need. Maybe a few months. Maybe a year or more. The time will come when you know you're ready to get back to changing the world.
It does help, even more in the long run.
Your body is not just the carrying case for your brain. Your brain is an integral part of your body. Taking care of your body is taking care of your brain.
Depression often follows not taking care of yourself. If your body is suffering your brain (emotions, intellect) suffer along with it.
Sleeping enough, eating well, exercise is necessary for healthy emotions as well as healthy body. May seem boring but I think of it as fundamental background work to keep the entire system working well.
date, HopedToGetDoneByStayingUp, GotDoneByStayingUp
The results will speak for themselves.
See piratebroadcast's advice for more details
Your symptoms sound very much like a combination of anxiety disorder and depression or dysthymia. I dealt with / deal with these things too. I'm 36 now and life is pretty interesting and good, but I remember being right where you are when I was in my early twenties. It's especially difficult for smart, introspective, creative people because you think that you should be able to "fix yourself". While it can be possible to pull yourself up out of a depressed state, it sounds like you are too far down to do that. You really should seek help from a psychiatrist who can determine if you would benefit from medication. The medication is hopefully a tool to give you the mental space to get up and stay up. I don't know what the access to mental health care is like where you are or if there is a big stigma with being diagnosed with a mental illness; I hope that's not the case.
One thing that I did not see you mention was exercise. It's so damn important. You must force yourself to be active, ideally early in the morning - I know from my experience and the experience of others that even a half hour of exercise can help with your mood for the rest of the day. For me it takes the "immediacy" of anxiety down a notch.
Aside from exercise, establish a daily routine and stick with it. Get up at the same time of day, eat at the same times, exercise, sleep, etc. - the consistency can also help with anxiety and becomes a framework into which you can fit all of the other "things" like learning and coding.
I wish you well. I'm sure that a lot of us wish you well - from all over the world. Every human is beautiful, precious, and worthy of being happy and not suffering.
While my symptoms weren't as severe when I went to see a psychiatrist he stated future sessions would be less about therapy and more focused on how the medication was working. This may have been poor luck on my part but I instead found a PhD level Psychologist instead because their focus is on perspective and providing you with mental tools you can use over and over again.
That said, I'm not discouraging medication, simply ask your psychiatrist about how much therapy you can expect in addition to the medication, and considered also using a psychologist to help provide mental tools.
The reality may be that now isn't the time to be out of school and working on a startup on your own. I would seriously consider going back to college, learning everything you can while there, and then making your next move once you are feeling more stable. While there, focus on not putting too much pressure on yourself to change the world. If you want to stand a chance at "changing the world", you will first need to spend some time in a stable place where you can learn to manage your psychological state.
College also comes with the opportunity to deepen your knowledge base so you have more to offer the world. Once you have managed to get your life and emotional state under control, you will in a better place to figure out how to turn your big ideas into reality.
Your early 20s are all about feeling pressure to make your mark on the world, but not necessarily knowing how. I think a lot of people struggle with that.
But, barring medical or unforeseen tragedy, you've got a Lon ways to go.
5 years seems like a lot of time when you're 22. But less so when you're 30, and even less when you're older.
I second the suggestion that you might want to talk all this out with a therapist who's objective and can spend some good time wih you.
But at least for me, the best advice I got in my early 20s was "don't worry so much, life has a way of finding you"
See piratebroadcast's advice for more details
In this moment you are already perfect exactly as you are, because in this moment there is no other way that you can possibly be.
If you are already perfect in this moment, then what to do?
Practice. It is committing to practice in this moment that will manifest a better version of yourself in a future moment.
But realize, the practice need not be stressful, because you are already perfect, because there is no other way you can possibly be.