One difficulty with not "lying" to yourself is complexity.
It's often quite demanding to articulate exactly what you know and what you don't. And in the process of trying, you'll often find that your model of the situation is subtly wrong... but it's hard to say exactly how. To really be in contact with reality, you're a scientist, trying to discern truth.
That is, sometimes we lie because it's simpler and less work to articulate. A little similar to advertising hyperbole, lacking nuance. Absolutes are simpler to say, to understand, to reason about.
But the article is just talking about active lying: asserting something that you know isn't true (or, that you know you're not sure of).
The setup for the article theorizes on the cost of lying on the person's stress levels. I'm sure that's a factor, but I think that pales in comparison to the empirical evidence the author has found in her own life -- the benefit of transparency.
There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother where a character always asks "Where's the poop?"[1] when she can tell someone is lying. She had a dog that always made he same face when it was hiding that it had pooped in the house.
I think the truth is that we all know in business there is always some poop somewhere. Whenever we lie, we leave our audience with an uneasy feeling, wondering what the catch is.
When we come right out and tell them what the catch is, we get past that barrier, which builds a relationship of trust from the start and allows the audience to weigh the values of our proposal on its true merits. This is the real power of telling the truth.
Actually, I think you just suggested the power of more devious lying: If you don't want them to know about the actual poop, tell them about some _lesser_ poop (either real, but lesser; or in fact more or less imaginary), so they won't think "Where's the poop", but will think "Ah, I know where the poop is, and I can handle that poop", eliminating the uneasy feeling when someone's giving you no poop at all but you know there must be some poop, but still not realizing the real poop is still hidden.
I always balance full truth with consequences, no need to claim everything you think is true if it breaks everybody down (unless it's for their own good).
Me: doot doot diddiddit doot doot.. (circus music which is our code for "Circus fat." Once upon a time super fat people were rare enough to qualify as circus attractions i.e. the Fat Man/Woman.)
Wife: "Does this look trashy?"
Me: "Well I like it but I think everyone else will think it looks kinda slutty."
Wife: "What do you think of this? (Wearing insulated underwear as a top. It's a Maine thing)
Me: (In a fashion runway voice) "It's the look that says Trailer Park."
This article reminded me of the "four agreements": "Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best." Not lying falling under the first.
Ruiz means by "be impeccable with your word": don't have negative thoughts about yourself. Basically don't be hard on yourself, rather you should have a good self image.
That appears to be a small part of his meaning, based on this quote copied from Wikipedia: "Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love..."
I really like this. My interpretation is the concept of stealth mode. I do believe there is a small set of use cases for which stealth is justifiable (e.g., patents), but I also feel like too many people are caught up in the cool, mystery factor surrounding stealth.
I've talked to so many people about my idea who have told me to shut up about it, or did I want them to sign an NDA? The answer is NO. I blog about my entire process, if there's a post missing it's because I haven't written it down yet.
Perhaps it's because my idea is driven by a social vision--if it's succeed I don't care who gets there first. You want to steal my idea? Great, let me help you because I'd like to think I'm smart and I've definitely been thinking about this for awhile.
When Buffer radically opened up their pay information, the community reacted in shock. Events like this inspires me. I want to strive for radical transparency in business.
I will make one tiny caveat though. I don't think radical transparency and never lying are the same thing. I do lie as well, and in many cases, I think it's justified. My mother is the worrying type. If she thought I were out at the bar or club, she literally would not sleep until I returned home. I'm lying for her health. Is it a slippery slope? Maybe, but then I have articles like this and wonderful friends who keep me more on the straight and narrow!
The real problem with lying (apart from the obvious moral one) is the risk you might start to actually believe your own lies. Once you can't tell what is true and what is not then you are on track to mess-up big time.
All the times I have been really side-swiped by someone it is when they have told themselves so many lies that they can no longer act in their own best interest.
That's pretty much what the article said. When an entrepreneur fudges facts about cash flow or profitability, they tend to start believing that fudged reality and thus start reacting incorrectly to the real one.
The way the investor thanked her for her honesty:
"I really appreciate how transparent you’ve been with me,"
made me wonder if the simple choice to be truthful put her in a tiny minority of those seeking capital.
I always thought that lies seem so "costly" (as in brainpower sucking, stress etc.) because I never learned to lie well. And I always thought that instead of teaching my children to be honest I will teach them to lie well from very young age, so that when they have to lie as adults it will take them very little energy and they will do it very well. Training your "lying" muscles just like a professional athlete trains his muscles.
...but this theory of lying being bad because it detaches us from present reality sounds like it has something to it. Or maybe someone with very well trained "lying muscles" can lie a lot and still be 99.9% focused on the present and aware of the real reality?
I cannot agree with this more. I don't know when it was, maybe a few years ago now, that a wise man I met pointed out that brutal, total honesty makes life easier to live for yourself. He was right, overall -- I'm still not 100% perfect, but I took it to heart and tell the truth even when it will hurt me, or is difficult. This has a flow on effect in my life, where I am more motivated to do the right thing from the start: that way, I don't have to lie :)
> total honesty makes life easier to live for yourself
That may all be true, but let's not forget we are talking about a successful life, not an easy one. And I don't expect success to be easy to come by.
The secret to a successful life is to never lie to yourself, to get people to trust you (for example, convincingly claim that you never lie), and then lie them intelligently so that they never figure it out or when they do they can't do anything about it anymore.
This is fiendishly complex trick to pull and requires some sociopathic inclinations, so it should not surprise us that many successful business leaders are indeed sociopaths. We are not talking about famous singers or athletes who succeed based on their talent. In the business world, the talent is convincing people better than the competition and that, unless you have built the perfect company with the perfect product and the perfect employees, requires lying.
There have been times when I was completely honest and transparent even in the face of short term costs specifically because I knew it would help build my reputation for honesty. I assume I'm not the only one who's done this, so I wouldn't take it as a sign that a person is 100% trustworthy.
On the other hand, a pattern of honesty probably is the best indicator of an honest person.
I am utterly amazed - it's true. I have held myself back in the fear a small lie will get found out. Nothing compared to the expenses of MPs or the affairs of the adulterous.
During my studies (conflict resolution), I had the opportunity to ask several mediators and negotiators who had worked on high-profile political cases about lying.
It occurred often, but was by far the least favorite item in the toolbox of a negotiator. Many would rather make emotional / moral appeals to the opposing side than lie.
Not because it wasn't effective (in some cases it could be quite effective), but because the results were very unpredictable. Being called out may undermine the rest of their position... or if they stuck to the lie to avoid this situation they may force themselves into defending a non-ideal positions.
It gets worse! There are now a lot more variables for you to consider, as the hitherto rational party on the other side of the table has been forced to question all of your statements. He is now much more likely to miscalculate true statements and positions as being false. You've now turned your negotiation partner into an (effectively) irrational actor.
Surprisingly the article doesn't mention the biggest benefit of telling the truth....
Truth forces you to confront your own shortcomings - its an opportunity for self-improvement.
If I miss a deadline I could makeup some baloney and lay the blame elsewhere or I can face my own inadequacy and tell the truth.
Its painful to admit I am behind.... but pain is a growth stimulus - it forces me to deal with the shortcoming.
Its easier to lie, tell them what they want to hear - but you miss out on the chance for your own self improvement.
Embrace the pain - its growth.
What happens when you lift weights? Sore muscles leads to growing bigger muscles.
Swing a hammer for a week, leads to blisters leads to growing calluses.
question for everyone: do you subconsciously equate an honest person as being (more) dependable/trustworthy/reliable?
I ask because I can't help but group these qualities together. When someone earns my trust from a track record of being honest, I find it hard not to take their word on things.
I guess I equate being honest with having good overall intentions. Is this an innate (human) quality or just wishful thinking on my part?
I spent a lot of time playing Scrabble where winning would not strictly be the aim, goal and objective. Being 'in the zone' and able to repeatedly put down all seven letters and hit the triple word scores would be where I wanted to be.
Sometimes I played against those that might rummage in the letters bag, perhaps to take an extra tile out and have to 'correct' their mistake by returning a less than desirable letter back into the bag. Obviously on detecting such cheating one could call them out and storm off from the table. However this I did not do because I did actually want to win :-) I realised that the time they spent doing things they should not be doing in order to get 'ideal' letters meant that they were not able to focus in the way I could.
Guess who won?
Scrabble was not the only game played. Bridge was another game played quite extensively where there was room for cheating. Again, honesty won out. However, with other card games - played for money - cheating was a viable strategy, no amount of focus on an honest game could help you to win against the guy that had all the aces under the table.
And my point is...
There are some areas of endeavour where telling the truth and being honest will pay dividends. However there are plenty of other areas where those that are less than honest will win.
That's the first thought that came to me when reading the article.
Honesty is the best policy small lies are always counter productive and increase expectations to an unreasonable level sometimes making you putting a lot of effort into meeting it.
There's very few situations where lying is a good idea however 100% complete honesty is probably not a good idea either there's some things in business you just can't reveal however outright refusing to answer the question is probably a good solution.
The problem arises when everyone else lies - when you sit there as a sole honest voice amidst a torrent of fantasy, telling the truth gets you branded a liar, as you tell truths people do not want to hear.
Maybe my memory is bad, or perhaps I'm subconsciously "lying to myself," but I don't think I lie anywhere near as often as the author believes she and other people do, even about tiny things.
Perhaps you really are just that atypical corner case, I don't really know. But if you study some of the techniques for detecting "tells" and subtle cues that someone is lying (basically the works and/or derivatives of Dr. Paul Ekman) - and if you follow up on instances where suspected "hits" can be investigated discreetly and without a huge confrontation - you may come to realize just how depressingly common and widespread casual lying is.
Actually, while it might sound cool - I don't really recommend this course of study. It would almost certainly NOT make you a happier person. "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." (- Eccl. 1:18)
I'd be surprised if you don't tell small lies in 'conversational mode'.
In natural speech, people generally make simplifications that edge towards oversimplification, or omissions that could be considered misleading if the omission is not fully understood by both parties, or false statements just because of a personal misconception (perhaps only realised later). That's a natural part of communicating at a reasonable speed.
Eliminating those occasions takes real effort towards communicating well.
Perhaps you don't consider those "lying" as such, because they're not deliberate attempts to mislead. But the boundary between these and deliberate "lying" is blurred. Your motivation for communicating with these shortcuts is a deliberate choice that is worth reconsidering occasionally.
If you can avoid those white-type lies 100% of the time, I applaud you. I don't think it's easy and few people manage it.
I don't feel like I actively avoid white lies, but I can't think of many that I've told recently. When I was a kid, sure, I'd lie to my parents about little things, and in school I would invent or exaggerate excuses for late assignments, etc. But now I don't feel like there's much need to do that.
Of course, when you get into simplification and omission, things get more complicated. I've absolutely simplified basic things like where I'm from, or the exact timeline of my education, etc. And every time I say anything, I'm omitting, well, everyone that I don't say. The line there is definitely blurry.
As others have said there are lies and then there are lies, and it also depends on who tells them.
PR people for example are basically trained to lie, but with subtlety. They wont outright lie but rather deviate the conversation by pointing out other facts which are actually irrelevant but serve the purpose to steer looks away and do some damage control.
A lot of founders lie but they avoid the examples given in the article and instead choose to overhype the context in which their product works by using weaselwords and also try to downplay the obstacles or don't even mention them.
I was in a pitch event once and this guy who could sell ice in Siberia went from salesman supreme to sweating bullets when someone in the audience destroyed the RDF he built around himself and the product by pointing out a simple fact that turned to be the achilles heel of the app.
I'm sure a lot of people were thinking about the same, but most weren't, so if the pitch guy didn't mention it, was he lying? or was he expecting you to know it and be okay with it?
At the end it depends on who you are and where you are standing, for example how do the snapchat founders fit into this? the oust of the third member was one thing but after that the remaining two lied openly and abundantly about everything from the "story" of the idea to how it came to be, the involvement of the ex-cofounder and even about the logo he created which is why they had to modify it.
Then again when you are a company with the momentum to reject a 3 billion dollar acquisition offer its a whole different position from that of the guy in the pitch event above.
I've heard a few versions of that chestnut, but the only one which both rhymes and scans is this: 'Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.'
how about all the succesful scammers? or lying to your "customers". I know I don't want to do what they do. But I happen to know some people in some industries in IT where it is pretty much the business model. I do get a bit jealous when they expose their flamboyant luxurous lifestyle on Facebook to be honest. so how do you define success? money or happiness ?
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[ 738 ms ] story [ 318 ms ] threadThat is, sometimes we lie because it's simpler and less work to articulate. A little similar to advertising hyperbole, lacking nuance. Absolutes are simpler to say, to understand, to reason about.
But the article is just talking about active lying: asserting something that you know isn't true (or, that you know you're not sure of).
There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother where a character always asks "Where's the poop?"[1] when she can tell someone is lying. She had a dog that always made he same face when it was hiding that it had pooped in the house.
I think the truth is that we all know in business there is always some poop somewhere. Whenever we lie, we leave our audience with an uneasy feeling, wondering what the catch is.
When we come right out and tell them what the catch is, we get past that barrier, which builds a relationship of trust from the start and allows the audience to weigh the values of our proposal on its true merits. This is the real power of telling the truth.
[1]: http://how-i-met-your-mother.wikia.com/wiki/Where's_the_poop...
You fool yourself everytime you fool others, and the lies do catch up to you, that was the point of the article.
The canonical example: "Does this make me look fat?"
The answer is "That cut doesn't flatter you." It's honest, but it isn't harsh.
Further, instead of encouraging vulnerability, it masks vulnerability behind an aggressive facade.
I'd prefer Brene Brown's approach to honesty, myself.
Wife: "Does this make me look fat?"
Me: doot doot diddiddit doot doot.. (circus music which is our code for "Circus fat." Once upon a time super fat people were rare enough to qualify as circus attractions i.e. the Fat Man/Woman.)
Wife: "Does this look trashy?"
Me: "Well I like it but I think everyone else will think it looks kinda slutty."
Wife: "What do you think of this? (Wearing insulated underwear as a top. It's a Maine thing)
Me: (In a fashion runway voice) "It's the look that says Trailer Park."
I've talked to so many people about my idea who have told me to shut up about it, or did I want them to sign an NDA? The answer is NO. I blog about my entire process, if there's a post missing it's because I haven't written it down yet.
Perhaps it's because my idea is driven by a social vision--if it's succeed I don't care who gets there first. You want to steal my idea? Great, let me help you because I'd like to think I'm smart and I've definitely been thinking about this for awhile.
When Buffer radically opened up their pay information, the community reacted in shock. Events like this inspires me. I want to strive for radical transparency in business.
I will make one tiny caveat though. I don't think radical transparency and never lying are the same thing. I do lie as well, and in many cases, I think it's justified. My mother is the worrying type. If she thought I were out at the bar or club, she literally would not sleep until I returned home. I'm lying for her health. Is it a slippery slope? Maybe, but then I have articles like this and wonderful friends who keep me more on the straight and narrow!
FYI you can read about everything related to my idea here: https://medium.com/@bsemaj
All the times I have been really side-swiped by someone it is when they have told themselves so many lies that they can no longer act in their own best interest.
...but this theory of lying being bad because it detaches us from present reality sounds like it has something to it. Or maybe someone with very well trained "lying muscles" can lie a lot and still be 99.9% focused on the present and aware of the real reality?
http://www.mamiverse.com/children-who-lie-more-likely-to-be-...
That may all be true, but let's not forget we are talking about a successful life, not an easy one. And I don't expect success to be easy to come by.
The secret to a successful life is to never lie to yourself, to get people to trust you (for example, convincingly claim that you never lie), and then lie them intelligently so that they never figure it out or when they do they can't do anything about it anymore.
This is fiendishly complex trick to pull and requires some sociopathic inclinations, so it should not surprise us that many successful business leaders are indeed sociopaths. We are not talking about famous singers or athletes who succeed based on their talent. In the business world, the talent is convincing people better than the competition and that, unless you have built the perfect company with the perfect product and the perfect employees, requires lying.
There are inconsequential lies (white lies?) that are ok in my book. Just grease for wheels of society.
How many guys can truthfully answer the question 'Honey does this dress make me look fat?' and not made to sleep on the couch?
On the other hand, a pattern of honesty probably is the best indicator of an honest person.
But we hold back unable to give our all.
A great lesson to give our kids.
It occurred often, but was by far the least favorite item in the toolbox of a negotiator. Many would rather make emotional / moral appeals to the opposing side than lie.
Not because it wasn't effective (in some cases it could be quite effective), but because the results were very unpredictable. Being called out may undermine the rest of their position... or if they stuck to the lie to avoid this situation they may force themselves into defending a non-ideal positions.
It gets worse! There are now a lot more variables for you to consider, as the hitherto rational party on the other side of the table has been forced to question all of your statements. He is now much more likely to miscalculate true statements and positions as being false. You've now turned your negotiation partner into an (effectively) irrational actor.
You need lying in poker, but it should be the exception. No one will buy your biggest bluffs otherwise.
Truth forces you to confront your own shortcomings - its an opportunity for self-improvement.
If I miss a deadline I could makeup some baloney and lay the blame elsewhere or I can face my own inadequacy and tell the truth.
Its painful to admit I am behind.... but pain is a growth stimulus - it forces me to deal with the shortcoming. Its easier to lie, tell them what they want to hear - but you miss out on the chance for your own self improvement.
Embrace the pain - its growth. What happens when you lift weights? Sore muscles leads to growing bigger muscles. Swing a hammer for a week, leads to blisters leads to growing calluses.
I ask because I can't help but group these qualities together. When someone earns my trust from a track record of being honest, I find it hard not to take their word on things.
I guess I equate being honest with having good overall intentions. Is this an innate (human) quality or just wishful thinking on my part?
I spent a lot of time playing Scrabble where winning would not strictly be the aim, goal and objective. Being 'in the zone' and able to repeatedly put down all seven letters and hit the triple word scores would be where I wanted to be.
Sometimes I played against those that might rummage in the letters bag, perhaps to take an extra tile out and have to 'correct' their mistake by returning a less than desirable letter back into the bag. Obviously on detecting such cheating one could call them out and storm off from the table. However this I did not do because I did actually want to win :-) I realised that the time they spent doing things they should not be doing in order to get 'ideal' letters meant that they were not able to focus in the way I could.
Guess who won?
Scrabble was not the only game played. Bridge was another game played quite extensively where there was room for cheating. Again, honesty won out. However, with other card games - played for money - cheating was a viable strategy, no amount of focus on an honest game could help you to win against the guy that had all the aces under the table.
And my point is...
There are some areas of endeavour where telling the truth and being honest will pay dividends. However there are plenty of other areas where those that are less than honest will win.
Honesty is the best policy small lies are always counter productive and increase expectations to an unreasonable level sometimes making you putting a lot of effort into meeting it.
There's very few situations where lying is a good idea however 100% complete honesty is probably not a good idea either there's some things in business you just can't reveal however outright refusing to answer the question is probably a good solution.
Actually, while it might sound cool - I don't really recommend this course of study. It would almost certainly NOT make you a happier person. "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." (- Eccl. 1:18)
In natural speech, people generally make simplifications that edge towards oversimplification, or omissions that could be considered misleading if the omission is not fully understood by both parties, or false statements just because of a personal misconception (perhaps only realised later). That's a natural part of communicating at a reasonable speed.
Eliminating those occasions takes real effort towards communicating well.
Perhaps you don't consider those "lying" as such, because they're not deliberate attempts to mislead. But the boundary between these and deliberate "lying" is blurred. Your motivation for communicating with these shortcuts is a deliberate choice that is worth reconsidering occasionally.
If you can avoid those white-type lies 100% of the time, I applaud you. I don't think it's easy and few people manage it.
Of course, when you get into simplification and omission, things get more complicated. I've absolutely simplified basic things like where I'm from, or the exact timeline of my education, etc. And every time I say anything, I'm omitting, well, everyone that I don't say. The line there is definitely blurry.
PR people for example are basically trained to lie, but with subtlety. They wont outright lie but rather deviate the conversation by pointing out other facts which are actually irrelevant but serve the purpose to steer looks away and do some damage control.
A lot of founders lie but they avoid the examples given in the article and instead choose to overhype the context in which their product works by using weaselwords and also try to downplay the obstacles or don't even mention them.
I was in a pitch event once and this guy who could sell ice in Siberia went from salesman supreme to sweating bullets when someone in the audience destroyed the RDF he built around himself and the product by pointing out a simple fact that turned to be the achilles heel of the app.
I'm sure a lot of people were thinking about the same, but most weren't, so if the pitch guy didn't mention it, was he lying? or was he expecting you to know it and be okay with it?
At the end it depends on who you are and where you are standing, for example how do the snapchat founders fit into this? the oust of the third member was one thing but after that the remaining two lied openly and abundantly about everything from the "story" of the idea to how it came to be, the involvement of the ex-cofounder and even about the logo he created which is why they had to modify it.
Then again when you are a company with the momentum to reject a 3 billion dollar acquisition offer its a whole different position from that of the guy in the pitch event above.
"But when we've practiced quite a while How vastly we improve our style!"
( - J. R. Pope, A Word of Encouragement. Collected in The New Oxford Book of English Light Verse, 1978.)