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Ask HN: Relationship strain as an entrepreneur

2 points by eudoxus ↗ HN
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. I am 21 and formally study computer science, but I've been programming and studying computer science, mathematics, and physics long before university was a thing.

My mind and my studies and my work have been a truly integral, and beyond important part of my life now for about 10 years. I fill up notebooks with ideas and sketches at an alarming rate, barely sleep because my mind is always going a mile a minute (which is fine for me), and devote my self to my own projects however mundane or useless because the process of learning and doing is so fascinating its crazy.

I have now been working on a project/startup of mine for the last 6 months now which I now devote all my time to, and that same exploration for knowledge and work, before that I was working on another for about 6 months, and before that I was paying my bills with freelance work.

So for the last year my girlfriend has been paying for most of our outings since she works, we both still live at home, so we don't really have expenses.

Unfortunately its gotten to the point where she is getting fed up with paying for things (which I completely understand), but she is asking that I now go get an actual job. I know I can as a programmer/soft eng, since I have been offered a few over the past months despite my age.

But I am feeling like there is no way I could possibly stop doing what I am doing but working on my own projects like this has become such an important part of me. I love her alot and don't want to break up, but I dont know how to get passed all this.

I know this has been a long post, but if anyone has made it this far and is still reading, and a subset of those readers has any kind of advice or suggestions, I would love to hear them.

5 comments

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ASquare
I read somewhere that when you're starting up, 3 aspects of your life are in play: Your health, your startup and your family/relationships. You can pick 2. I've found this to be entirely true. The only thing that saves family and relationships in my experience is a) setting expectations early and often as to what the final goal is. b) communicating progress towards getting that goal & what the plan is when things are not going as they should

So as with everything, the bottom line is over-communicating. If she doesn't know as much as you about what's actually going on then you're relationship is not likely to make it based on the information provided.

Your only other option is to sacrifice the relationship for the sake of your startup if you are so passionate about it. Nobody said starting up was easy - it always exacts some price (health or relationships). The question is what matters to you more.

eudoxus
Thanks for the response.

I have heard that pick 2 statement before, never thought I would be on that side of choosing.

I will take your advice and try to keep her updated on the progress, as there has been much. Hopefully that will help put her at ease.

jqm
Its great to have ideas but sadly they have to be profitable.

So... drop the girlfriend or get some profits or get some gainful employment. It really is that simple. Don't give up good ideas that have legs but don't fall into the trap of deceiving yourself about the future value of your ideas either. You can't eat pipe dreams.

eudoxus
We've made huge strides in the passed 3 months alone, now in 2 seperate incubators, and have about to get great office space for free. We just arn't at the stage quite yet to get profits, since we're building a platform. So its been a bit more involved and grueling process then just pushing out an app.

Seems simple when you write it out like that, but reality doesn't feel that way.

jqm
If that's where you are at and your girlfriend isn't going to be able to support your efforts... drop her.

That's my advice.