Step 0 seems impossible, but you really just have to talk to people. I say this as a formerly very shy, awkward person.
Start by talking to people you have on interest in talking to. Don't approach an attractive member of the opposite sex or a businessperson. Instead, say hello to an elderly person you normally wouldn't look twice at.
Or try to make cashiers laugh. Brighten up people's day. If you just talk consistently, you'll get better. Talking to people is a skill like any other.
Can't agree with this enough: however impossible you think being social is, it all starts with being able to do small things. You have a million opportunities a day to do _something_ that will begin the tiny and endless work of getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you.
So yeah, say something to the cashier. Ask the barista if they changed the chairs. Ask the guy who takes your parking ticket if he knows a good restaurant. You have to make a beginning, trite as it sounds, and no beginning is too small to help.
Frequenting the bar scene, for those so inclined, is the fast track to this: "getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you."
This is true, but it's a higher hurdle. I went to bars through college, but made no progress socially.
To learn, you need to be able to try a lot, in a consistent environment, and get feedback. Bars made it difficult to try small things, and they're a complex environment where you can't repeat the same interaction so easily.
Whereas, saying "hi" to a stranger is never that different, in terms of how it goes initially.
I think it depends a lot on your personality. My best friend and I used to be a lot alike in this way. We were both really shy, had trouble socializing, especially dating. It was a big part of why we are such good friends. A few years ago he started going out to the bars after work almost every day. It started as an attempt to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend who liked hitting the bars, but after they broke up, he discovered that he really liked it. He talks to the bartenders, he talks to the guy at the next stool. He'll wander around the bar, pick out the most interesting looking person and strike up a conversation. He has completely overcome the social anxiety. I, on the other hand, don't like the bars. It's generally too noisy, lots of distraction, and because I'm at the bar for the purpose of "meeting people" it seems more high-stakes than it really is. I've had really good luck with the kind of casual conversations you describe, the cashier at the store, the girl at the coffee shop, the guy standing on the street corner who's obviously lost.... I had a 20 min conversation with a complete stranger last Sunday I met walking my dog. "Hey, that's a beautiful dog, what breed is it?" was all it took to start. There are a million opportunities to interact with other human beings every day. What works for me is each day, picking a few very low risk opportunities to start a conversation, and really going for it. For some reason at the bar, I get shot down once and I'm done. YMMV and all that......
Rejection Therapy [1][2] is a fun and interesting way to overcome phobias and anxiety. Since the game is framed around "seeking rejection", it feels OK to approach someone and start a conversation and get rejected because the metric is "did I fail to start a conversation" rather than "was I able to sustain a conversation". If you fail, you win. And when you inevitably don't get rejected and are able to sustain a conversation, you realize that this also is a win. Try it out and report back!
Mods, why was the comment about rejection therapy killed? It's a very popular and highly relevant game. And the poster has 1000+ karma; they don't seem like a spammer.
I couldn't see anything objectionable about the comment.
"dead" means a mod killed a link, comment or even an entire account. You can go to your profile settings and select "showdead" to see dead posts.
At it's best, "dead" indicates spam removal, or a shadowban of a spammer. Unfortunately, when it's applied in appropriately, the poster doesn't realize.
In this case, there's a comment that I think was removed incorrectly.
Hi Stranger. I noticed that this book isn't all that well reviewed (3.5/5), and that Amazon's 'Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought' includes a few higher-rated titles. Can you say a word or two on what you liked about this one?
The book definitely has some huge problems, but it helped to 'push me out of the gate' by giving actual, concrete things to say, rather than general approaches. I find that once the conversation gets rolling, I'm okay. It's probably best in conjunction with another book.
Reminds me of a similar project that was called 'lunch-hat' or something that I can't find now. The premise was similar, you find some strangers near you to have lunch with.
The game Rejection Therapy[1] has lots of challenges for interacting with strangers, like ask a stranger to have your photo taken with them and sit beside a stranger, strike up a conversation and so on.
They sound easy to do, but I found out they are anything but.
Yet another article trending on Hacker News about loneliness, social anxiety, and community. Man, we really must be a bunch of introverted shut-ins!
Machines sure can be funner than humans, but the ammount of trending articles around this theme reveals a few uncomfortable truths about this community. Yikes!
"There's evidence suggesting that negative factors of the neighborhood, things like density of fast food outlets, violence, noise, and poor air quality impact health,” lead researcher Eric Kim, a psychologist in his final year of doctoral work at the University of Michigan, told me. I'd add broken windows. One 2003 study found that “boarded-up housing” predicts high rates of gonorrhea in a neighborhood, as well as premature death due to cancer or complications of diabetes. (And murder.) More recently, researchers from University of Pennsylvania looked at the health detriments associated with vacant land. By their understanding, abandoned buildings lead to isolation and erosion of social relationships, mutual trust, and collective efficacy, which leads to poor physical health.
Kim’s team is focusing on the other side of things: the positive elements of a neighborhood that “might perhaps be protective or even enhancing of health." For a young scientist, Kim is precociously well versed in the language of hedging
So, what gives? I am baffled as to why this is not being discussed in earnest as a piece on research into health factors but is being talked about like it is a criticism of the social climate of HN and the social skills of its members.
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[ 2.9 ms ] story [ 95.3 ms ] threadStep 0: overcome social anxiety and general awkwardness.
Edit: to make this comment a little less pithy, I will say that I've ordered 'What to Talk About', and it has lessened the looming daemon of small talk...somewhat. (http://www.amazon.com/What-Talk-About-Cocktail-Elevator/dp/1...)
Start by talking to people you have on interest in talking to. Don't approach an attractive member of the opposite sex or a businessperson. Instead, say hello to an elderly person you normally wouldn't look twice at.
Or try to make cashiers laugh. Brighten up people's day. If you just talk consistently, you'll get better. Talking to people is a skill like any other.
So yeah, say something to the cashier. Ask the barista if they changed the chairs. Ask the guy who takes your parking ticket if he knows a good restaurant. You have to make a beginning, trite as it sounds, and no beginning is too small to help.
To learn, you need to be able to try a lot, in a consistent environment, and get feedback. Bars made it difficult to try small things, and they're a complex environment where you can't repeat the same interaction so easily.
Whereas, saying "hi" to a stranger is never that different, in terms of how it goes initially.
Whereas, when talking with people on the street, I don't care how the interaction goes. So that makes me relaxed, and the interaction goes well.
I enjoy it for the sake of it, whereas I don't enjoy clubs unless things go well.
[1] - http://rejectiontherapy.com/ [2] - http://www.fearbuster.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/
Mods, why was the comment about rejection therapy killed? It's a very popular and highly relevant game. And the poster has 1000+ karma; they don't seem like a spammer.
I couldn't see anything objectionable about the comment.
At it's best, "dead" indicates spam removal, or a shadowban of a spammer. Unfortunately, when it's applied in appropriately, the poster doesn't realize.
In this case, there's a comment that I think was removed incorrectly.
Fun. Systematic. And others can be better just by being around you.
I recommend Sleight of Mouth to start. You can skip Mindlines, I can't tell if sections in that book are bad writing or not.
They sound easy to do, but I found out they are anything but.
[1] http://rejectiontherapy.com
Machines sure can be funner than humans, but the ammount of trending articles around this theme reveals a few uncomfortable truths about this community. Yikes!
"There's evidence suggesting that negative factors of the neighborhood, things like density of fast food outlets, violence, noise, and poor air quality impact health,” lead researcher Eric Kim, a psychologist in his final year of doctoral work at the University of Michigan, told me. I'd add broken windows. One 2003 study found that “boarded-up housing” predicts high rates of gonorrhea in a neighborhood, as well as premature death due to cancer or complications of diabetes. (And murder.) More recently, researchers from University of Pennsylvania looked at the health detriments associated with vacant land. By their understanding, abandoned buildings lead to isolation and erosion of social relationships, mutual trust, and collective efficacy, which leads to poor physical health.
Kim’s team is focusing on the other side of things: the positive elements of a neighborhood that “might perhaps be protective or even enhancing of health." For a young scientist, Kim is precociously well versed in the language of hedging
So, what gives? I am baffled as to why this is not being discussed in earnest as a piece on research into health factors but is being talked about like it is a criticism of the social climate of HN and the social skills of its members.