Ask HN: Do you have a girlfriend? Is it good to have one?

That's a terrible thing for her to have said. Ignore that. It's just not true that programmers don't have girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives.

Your time will come, so don't let one nasty comment cloud your entire outlook. Eventually someone will come along, possibly under the most unlikely circumstances, and you'll make a connection. Relax and let it happen.

That's just not true, on either count. And work is work - it's absolutely normal for couples to have separate careers. Are bus drivers distracted from their work by their girlfriends?

Unless of course you take your work home with you... but then I think you have other issues. :-)

Sure there's a subset of society that rejects those that are 'geeky' or 'nerdy', but that's fine. They'd probably annoy you in the long run anyway.

But everyone gets to be able to have relationships.

Yes, relationships can be distracting ... but that's not a reason to not have one!

The only real requirement is self-confidence, work on building on that and you'll find out that interesting people take notice! :-)

Have fun and good luck!

I wouldn't say she distracts me from my work. It's just that most of the time I'd rather snuggle with her and watch TV or play a round of Innovation than hack on code in my free time. Work time is work time, though. I work from home, but I set boundaries.

If you're at the age where "everyone else works on making out with other people", then know that everyone else is still figuring it out, too. It's ok. Don't feel pressured to be in a relationship or think less of yourself if you're single. Let relationships happen on their own and you'll be much happier.

Also, don't try to find somebody to love; try to be someone people can fall in love with. Be a good person, but not artificially good. Be friendly & supportive. Find yourself and find your passions - this is the time in your life to experiment with different hobbies, sports, and future careers. It's so much easier to fail at something and get back up on your feet again when you're young. Who knows, you may find theater or track to be more interesting than computers and there's nothing wrong with making a living from either.

Yes programmers do have girlfriends and yes they can be distracting and by god that's a great thing to have! Moving from that point in life where you are focused on just one self orientated thing to caring about another and growing as a person is marvellous.

I constantly aim to find distractions from work, also known as having a life :)

You are probably better off not meeting women in a context that is explicitly social. Find an activity where meeting them is a side effect, not the main point. Preferably this would be one where women are at least not outnumbered, as they might in softball and so on. Volunteering might be good.

(Married more than 25 years.)

While its true that you may be a big nerd, that's fine! Just have to find a girl that will sit down for some Battlestar Gallactica, Firefly, and Doctor Who with you. Who will help with your lego sets, and looks forward to a good game of MTG. Feel free to sub-out things listed above that you don't like with things that you do, and be willing to do the same for things she likes. You don't need to overlap 100%, but having some interests in common is always helpful.

Be patient, my son - your time will come.

I was quite the nerd when I was young, but much later became popular with women.

I think I was a bit slow to develop emotionally, and I did not know how to relate to/interact with women (it sounds silly in retrospect, but it happened).

I disagree a bit with the "relax and let it happen" advice, I think you have to actively do some activities to meet with people more, etc. if you find yourself not meeting girls.

Edit: almost all the programmers/nerds I know in my age range have wives or girlfriends. Most didn't in their teens or early 20s.

Uhhh, no.

Life is like taking a trip. It's way more fun when you have someone to enjoy it with you. Your experience is enriched by their experience. That said, being single has it's merits as well, which I am sure the married among us remember a little too fondly and with rose colored glasses.

Go to meetups. Not with the intention of meeting someone, but to meet other people and have fun. The rest will fall in place.

I have seen friends and siblings in their 20s that expend a lot of time, energy, and money on the dating scene with very little to show for it by the time they reach their 30s.

Many of my programmer friends, on the other hand, settled down fairly quickly (married their 1st or 2nd girlfriend) and could spend their formative years honing their skills, education, and careers. Also they could set themselves up better financially by paying down debts, acquiring assets, and saving for their future. By the time they hit their 30s, their careers are taking off, they have a very solid financial foundation, and they are on much better footing for future endeavors.

If I stop to think about famous programmers, most of them are married too. Except Stallman.

For me personally, I don't find it distracting at all, but rather very enriching and motivating.

This is really strange.

If you were bad at writing Objective-C code, but it was 2008 and knowing how to write Objective-C code would let you answer "Yes" to any of those dozen emails a week you were getting offering $150/hr to write Objective-C, what would you do? Would you perhaps spend a few hours learning how to do it?

Now what if you were bad at negotiating? "No way. Negotiating is evil. They should just pay everybody the same. That'd be fair."

Or dating? "No way. Talking to girls seems hard and scary. And I'd actually have to walk over there and talk to one of them."

But here's the thing. It's only hard because you've never done it. Go do some of it and you'll find it's really not that bad.

I do not need a woman to be happy. I do not need a woman to have children. There are plenty of children in need of a parent already (even if that is a single parent). Save for your own retirement and enjoy life.

Don't let social expectations and peer pressure push you into things you don't want or are not yet ready for. While I certainly would have liked to have a girlfriend when I was younger, I had no idea how to do go about that. Plenty of female friends; that wasn't the issue, but no true "girlfriend". At least one girl who otherwise liked me, mentioned that I was friend material rather than dating material.

I now realize that I wasn't ready for it. Once I was ready for it (around 30-ish), I started dating, and soon found a woman who's way better than I dared to hope for. Don't be afraid to be too late; there's plenty of time to catch up later. (Though if you want kids, 30 is a good age to start catching up.)

So do you need a girlfriend? Absolutely not. Is it nice to have one? If it's the right one, absolutely! Still, I do sometimes miss my alone time.

Think about this: That girl has no idea what the rest of your life will be like, nor her own. It's very silly to make a comment like that. Programmers have girlfriends/boyfriends just like any other profession.

And as for the distractions, yes, girlfriends at your age can be a definite distraction. But that's part of the fun of teenage love. It is something new to explore and experience, but not something that everyone has to do.

Don't sweat it. You'll find somebody.

A lawyer, a doctor, and a programmer sit at a bar. The lawyer says, "Boys, you need to try having a mistress! It is great. We do anything we want and my wife never finds out!"

The Doctor looking shocked says, "Oh my no! There are so many problems with a relationship like this. Diseases, mental and emotional stress. Stick to your wife! That's the right way."

The programmer looks in his drink and with a knowing smile tells them both, "The answer is, of course, to have both a wife and a mistress! Then you can tell your mistress you are with your wife, and tell your wife you are with your mistress, and have more time on the mainframe! The mainframe is always less busy late at night anyway." [1]

I had a girlfriend! I was very happy when she said she would marry me. We are celebrating our anniversary this weekend. We have 6 kids together. I code a lot. I enjoy businesses. I play with my kids. I take my wife on dates. As everyone else in the thread has said, don't worry about what this girl thinks! You are the right young lady will find each other at the right time and everything will work out just fine.

[1] For those that don't get the mainframe portion of the joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time-sharing