Ask HN: How to learn social skills; is this the curse of being a hacker?

Read every 6 months:

- How to win friends and Influencing people - Dale Carnegie

- How to stop worring and start living - Dale Carnegie

I myself am more on the 'communications' side of the house, but recommend simply going out and socialising. You'll pick things up (ie reading basic social cues, emotions, etc) the fastest by putting yourself smack-bang in the middle of a conversation or two.

This guy talks a bit about "Social Skills Hacks": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eOKwU0LLTE

Or, take a que from the people who do it best - talk show hosts!

I just saw _Boyhood_ over the weekend (fantastic movie, btw), and there was a scene in there that sums up my approach to socialization. The main character is talking to his dad about how he kinda has a girlfriend but it's awkward because when they're at school they've got a ton to talk about, but when they're on the phone at home they're completely different.

The dad drops this little bit of thought-technology his way (and apologies for the mangling of the quote):

"Here's what you do, alright? First off, you gotta ask her a lot of questions. Then you have to listen to the answers, alright? Actually be INTERESTED in her, alright? If you can do those things, you'll be LIGHT YEARS ahead of those other guys."

Ask a lot of questions and be interested in the answers - that'll go a really long way. Remember, everyone's got a story and I think everyone (in some way, shape or form) wants to tell it.

Also, practice socializing. This stuff comes really naturally to some folks and really NOT naturally to others. If you're in the latter camp, practice like you'd practice anything else you want to get good at. One of the local user groups I frequent has what it calls 'socialization practice' after each meetup. It's just everyone heading to a pub and hanging out, but it's a pretty good way to get to know people and practice some of these softer skills.

Best of luck - you can do it :).

I suggest volunteering. I'm quite social but I run a charity and I've noticed a lot of volunteers that are generally shy or introverted become more relaxed and pick up social skills over time as most conversations and interactions with the group are centred around tasks. It's easier to talk and over time, you get more used to trying out new things. Might not work for you but I would definitely recommend that. Also, try that with a small charity rather than a large one.

What has helped me is just listening to other people have a conversation (at work, in the supermarket, etc). Once I realized that many popular people aren't usually saying anything very witty or enlightening, just talking about trivial stuff, it took a lot of the pressure off feeling like I have to say something remarkable all the time.

I'd recommend finding your local toastmasters and participating if there is a chapter near you.

Try this: http://rejectiontherapy.com/

I bought the cards on a lark after having played my own version of the game for several years (usually to get used to speaking to women unknown to me in bars). Essentially, if you want to get comfortable talking to people, you have to find ways to practice that. No joke, I've taken to using this greeting: "Hi, my name is Sean. What's your name."

I'd say 80% of the time it results in a conversation.

There are lots of specific components that can be learned for the post-introduction, and I confess that I learned a lot from a stint as a journalist that I still apply to most social settings, so you can delve into this to a greater or lesser extent – just like learning to code. But if you just want to learn to naturally do the things that other people seem to be doing naturally, I think the Rejection Therapy game is an accessible place to start, specifically because it is so unnatural.

I could talk your ear off about the ridiculous meta games I've played with friends in bars that have, unexpectedly, resulted in an ability to walk up to nearly anyone and begin a conversation. A lot of that happened by accident over several years, and I think that if someone had given me a half page of notes, I could've become comfortable in any setting in a matter of weeks. In any event, I say, start with the game. Good luck!

You may not have the time to do this, but I credit a lot of what social grace I have to working a retail job during and after college. I wasn't much of a partier in my teenage years either, but I can talk to a pretty broad range of people, because for years my boss was whoever walked in the front door. Maybe you could spend some time in a similar setting, even just an hour or two of volunteering at some public-facing event. Registration booth for a marathon, anything really. In that kind of scenario, it's like training wheels for empathy: you already know, roughly, what the other party wants (to register for the marathon), so it'll take that burden off and give you a chance to study the minor details of body language, small talk, all that sort of fun schmoozy stuff. And you can't really fail, as long as the runner gets her number and cheap t-shirt.

In contrast, in a social setting, those sorts of hard-to-quantify details are basically all that's going on, which I think makes it harder to focus. After all why does anyone go to a party? Those motivations are really vague, and maybe the people at the party don't even know what they are. Trying to understand how that works is building on quicksand.

To try to answer some specifics: Bill Gates has a weird life, unlike most of us. I've worked with other people who started successful companies straight out of school, and they were unapproachable too, perhaps because they'd never had a boss. They weren't good at math either. As far as enunciation, volume, thinking of the next sentence: I think the suggestions to try Toastmasters could be a great answer there.

So I guess my suggestion is: empathy is what makes people approachable, so find an environment like sales or service, where empathy is tightly tied to the goal, as a place to practice it. The books like Dale Carnegie definitely help, but practice makes perfect.

Good luck!

Growing up I was fat, nerdy and loved video games. However, I was animated enough to have a decent social life. I still cannot converse about normal things as the majority of topics that the general public discusses are, in my opinion, boring. Social interaction is important for any persons mental health and sometimes physical health. It does seem that your post has an underlying tone of not feeling normal in the sense of your current social interactions. Many of the posters here recommend just going out etc. I would recommend starting with going to places that one could reasonably assume like minded individuals exist. Thus leading to my recommendations. meetup.com tons of meetups for people interested in development, software etc. Hackerspaces are great for talking about nerdy stuff as well. While your scope of interaction will be limited in these contexts you will find that interacting with people you have similarities with will often diverge into more normal topics like movies, weather, and politics. Going to an environment where you can reasonably assume there is others like you is a great "first step" out of social awkwardness. My number one rule listen an order of magnitude more than you talk.