Ask HN: What can I do to improve social skills?

Take dancing classes.

For ballroom dancing you already need to have a partner, more or less, so maybe better look into Salsa. Or Swing dances from the thirties (Lindy Hop etc.).

Don't go there with the goal of finding your "soul-mate". Actively resist that and say to yourself that you will not obsess over any of the girls there.

Give yourself small quests: tonight I'm asking two different women to dance with me. Tonight I'm going to strike up a conversation with at least three people, at leadt one of which is male. Stuff like that.

The same way you would get better at programming: do the thing you want to improve more than you do now. Be willing to suck and be uncomfortable, and know that you'll get better through experience. Whatever activity you decide to practice, it's just a vehicle and a detail.

Also recognize that there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, and nothing wrong with having a smaller circle than some others. We're biased toward extroverts because we're always aware of them, they're self advertising.

Certainly if you want more social connection, make that happen, but do it in a way that you're comfortable with and that actually does you good. There's never any need for you to be the life of the party, but it's great to enjoy the party.

I hate to admit this, but reading the book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists"[0][1] helped me. At one point, I too was an introvert (right around your age as well) and reading the book gave me some tips to help talk to women, and people in general.

Now, before others start piling on, this book is misogynistic and juvenile. Most of the pick-up examples the author uses probably have a better success rate with college co-eds than late 20 early 30's female working professionals. But there are some good lessons you can extrapolate out of the swill of a story:

1. Outward appearance matters. Nobody wants to engage a slob.

2. Self-Confidence matters. Eye contact, a smile, a positive outlook, etc. You don't have to be a douche, but most people tend to gravitate to those with self-confidence (even if the self-confidence is misplaced).

3. The only way to get better at talking to people is by talking to people. Networking and personal social interaction only gets easier with practice. So the moral of this story is you will look like a fool in the beginning. Don't take yourself too seriously, and keep in mind the failed social interactions you have today will help you tomorrow.

And also, get the notion of finding your "soul mate" out of your head. Chances are, the person you fall in love with won't check off the "soul mate" boxes you've concocted. Date freely, give everyone a shot and keep an open mind.

Good luck.

[0] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secre...

[1] I haven't read the book in over a decade, so there is a good chance a lot of the material is dated. But I still stand by the lessons I learned from it.

Edit: General Clean Up

I highly recommend RSD.

https://www.youtube.com/user/rsdfreetour

https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler

There's stigma against pick up, but RSD stuff is really amazing, even if you don't want to be a "pick up artist". Just watch a few videos.

Also - The Blueprint by Tyler. Really life-changing info there.

Take an improv class.

Not sure where you're located, so I just yelped SF improv class for an example: http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=improv+classes&find_loc...

Improv classes will help you develop self-confidence, and be ready to react dynamically in uncertain situations, like social settings. Self-confidence is really important, because if you want other people to like you you have to like yourself first.

If you want to have specific actionable advice and a "playbook" of sorts for initiating conversations, then some of the other suggestions about books are probably worthwhile. And there's no shame in starting there! But I do hope you progress beyond a formulaic approach to being social, and become genuinely comfortable interacting with people. Improv can really help you do that.

Also really agree with Tomte - make small goals and try not to make big expectations for any particular interaction. Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations, so the lower your expectations the happier you'll be.

As a side note: not totally sure but it seems like English may not be your first language. Socializing in a second language is harder, but it's very possible! I know it can feel like you lose a lot of your personality and ability to be quick-witted when you're struggling to understand someone or find the right words. But, on the other hand, if you're not a native of the country that makes you automatically interesting - you did different things growing up and have different perspectives and things to offer. So get out there and talk to people, and don't worry if it's hard or awkward at first because they're strangers so who cares what they think of you. Just do it - the more you do talk to people the better your English and social skills will become.

Good luck!

socialize :) go have fun, get outside, talk to people and listen too.

follow your interests - find a group of people who share the same ones. Ie. if you like running.. join a running club.. you'll meet people for sure. Also, if you work in the Bay Area.. have you thought about moving? I feel its very male dominated and one-dimensional, .. move! and expand your horizons outside of software. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert who likes their time and spends time thinking. But, I bet you'll surprise yourself the day you do meet your soul mate and how motivated you will be to do stuff, and bounce between intro/extro-vert. Do animals have these terms? I don't believe in putting ourselves in these boxes.

Practice smiling in the mirror. Sounds silly, but it helps.

I have found that facial expression is one of the main factors people use to initially judge whether to approach or avoid. Go to the mall or a club. Watch other "more social" people carefully. Watch how long they make eye contact when passing a person. Watch how they hold their body. Watch what their face says. Go home and practice making your face say that. Try to look happy. The best way to do that of course is to feel happy.

Another thing I've found (some people might disagree and that's ok)... lots of programming time can sometimes lead to grumpy face or sort of crazy face and you have to work to offset this if you care about interaction.

get off your computer

You could try using https://www.okcupid.com/ to find a soulmate.

first I like to say, I am a introvert, too, and I am a software engineer, too, I had a long time in the situation like you several years ago. I like tennis, so I choose to play it regularly, longer I play, more confidence I found I feel, and I met many people who have the same hobby, when I don't what to start, I talk some tennis news, and they really love it, and I found I can react dynamically after trying, and now, if I see some girl playing tennis, I can get close, and talk, and ...., I hope it can help you.

One thing I found that works.. When it doubt kiss the girl [1]

[1] Happly Married for 8 Years Now.

Oh my god, these responses are terrible!

Try longer term travel (which forces you to communicate with a lot of people from different cultures, and helps you to see your local social environment in perspective), and drinking socially more regularly (alcohol is popular in human cultures because it is an excellent and perhaps unrivaled facilitator of conversation).

Being bald is fine, sheesh. Chill out. It sounds like you have low-level social anxiety, which is extremely common in modern society (lots of people could be viewed as essentially self-medicating - with many different substances - to avoid this) and not something to worry about. Make sure you're eating well: good food is cheap insurance, and you'll feel better to boot. Not sure if you're on a coast or in SF, but you can try taking up a hobby like sailing where you get time away from regular society, have an excuse to meet new people, but also soak up some nature and get more exercise which naturally improves mood and confidence. (A great boat is the Weta, with a huge community in the US.) Remember, the only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well. The soul mate thing happens for itself, you can't really go looking for it. As long as you're out there and not stuck in front of a machine...

Get your hormones level tested first, specifically testosterone.

I'm not sure what you're shooting for but self-help books don't really work. It's like teaching a blind man to see.

Being social is much more about what -not- to say than what to say.

Some guys have low testosterone and struggle with chronic anxiety. It's nerve-wracking talking to people in this state and you end up with a messed rhythm.

On the topic of talking to strangers, it's really important to not come off as having an agenda.

It's too easy to make the mistake of coming off as needy (creepy is the derogatory term that Millennials use) and it makes the other person feel awkward or "embarrassed to be talking to this weird person".

There's a constant stream of physical cues that has to be processed real-time during a conversation, it's not easy.

One mistake I see often is a person offering up too little or too much during an interaction.

Someone offers a few words and they respond by showering this person with too much attention.

Or, they barely respond at all, which comes off as anti-social and extremely unlikeable. Not saying this is a good or bad thing, but a lot of intellectuals act this way and that's OK if they don't care about everyone disliking them.

The most important thing is to be REALLY INTERESTED in other persons. Talking to the other gender without real interest is boring and a waste of time for both sides.

Besides that, BE INTERESTED in talking and expression itself. Start small. Set goals for each day like: Today i try to smile to other people and look them in the eyes and try to get 3 smiles back. the next day try to flatter 3 persons etc..

BE INTERESTED in other things than your job. Start to paint or read literature or whatever ... and you will start to have good conversations..

And be nice.

OK, about being bald, and something for others too if they're worried about it.

I am also bald - started to lose my hair at around 17 and pretty much bald since 21. Just the top, of course, there is still some above my ears and neck :) And yes I shave my head, of course, it feels great to shave and shower, and go out feeling and smelling great.

It does not matter a bit. Not one single bit. If you think it does, then it may, but when you know it doesn't, it doesn't.

Background: Grew up in London in the 1990s. Shaved-headedness was something common and acceptable, it was fashionable [see David Beckham copying my genetically inherited fashion choice], and suited those with male pattern baldness in general.

Perhaps the need not to shave is fashionable today. Pity the guys not with no beards, but that grow patchy, with some areas not 'bearded' that want to join the bearded club but just look odd doing it. But people have had beards for millennia. No pity, wear your oddly fitting beard if it suits you, as generations have before.

Being bald is a blessing.

You have the chance to have a clean scalp (ever shaved a head of hair off a person? Despite a seemingly beautiful, dandruff free mane, it conceals a 1/4 inch of manky, disgusting, peeling fluffy yet greasy yet powdery skin, only revealed after taking off the hair and scrubbing the skin).

You get the chance to have a truly clean, invigorating, fresh shave, a feeling orders of magnitude superior to washing your hair. This really boosts my Wednesday mornings.

You get the chance to not worry about how your hair looks, because it is always the same (but subtly different, for example if I have an important meeting I make sure I shave my head 2 days before the meeting - my small preference). This is a true blessing, as you get to focus on yourself and what you say, not what your hair says (or tweak it slightly for interesting results).

And to carry that forward, you get to look damn good done easy. You will look formal in formal occasions, and social in social occasions. It is neutral, there is no judgment.

If you feel some people avoid talking to you because of your hair, and that is the sole reason, then they're missing something - literally.

Do use good sunscreen, and at best wear a hat when out in the sun or even bright cloudy days. I prefer a dark green handkerchief fashioned into a bandana (people with hair can't do that) and yes, I work in banking, and it is perfectly acceptable.

I think you are me.

Read this (http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/how-to-make-small-...) and watch this (http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/special/small-talk-hack...) and read this (http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/watch-me-tear-down...) and everything else that Ramit Sethi has ever written and recorded about obtaining social skills. You won't regret it.