I'm a 37 year old nerd and having my first kid in a few months. I'd love to hear from other fellow nerds what, in retrospect, they wish they had done differently.
Realizing raising a child is not a competition or an engineering project or about me sooner and more fully. Nobody really knows what they're doing...we're all amateurs. We all make choices, some are better than others. But if we do it right the reward is that our children go away and we miss them terribly because they are such wonderful people.
I wish I was more kind and patient and understanding more often. I wish I lived a bit less vicariously. These are the things that will make me a better parent. All the little points on which I can obsess over comparison with other families are a waste of energy; it's not about the relative but the absolute.
Nothing really. The thing with having a kid is that it totally changes your life and no matter how much you prepare (which I am sure you will), there will be a lot of things that you will learn on the job.
Make the best of it as there will be tough days and nights. The first 3-4 months are the most difficult and it gets a bit easier after that. Remember, there is no right or wrong here.
On my 2nd child now, also soon to have 3rd in a few months. As I've grown older and learned more about deep learning tech, I've realized child starts out similar to untrained neural net for deep learning, and progresses in similar manner with training. For example, at 2 yrs old, child seems to know ABC's well, until you switch up the font or go cursive. Bottom line is more specifically realizing the child is basically a biological computer constantly seeking new information to update their model, has been interesting insight for me. I think it is a productive viewpoint for logically inclined nerds.
I have somewhat similar view, though I got it from books like this one: Welcome to Your Child's Brain: How the Mind Grows from Conception to College. Different times come up with different understanding, perhaps this time we have a better one.
My suggestion is to take off as much time as you can around the birth to be home. Having your first kid is a big transition, you won't want to be distracted by anything else for a while. Also, your wife will really appreciate having you around. (Assuming you're married)
I have learned the value of career flexibility. It helps enormously if at least one partner has a career path that allows for good earnings with the ability to scale back on work or leave the work force for a few years without badly harming long term career prospects.
I've noticed that a number of health related professions, ranging from dental hygienist and registered nurse up through dermatologist or radiologist, are big winners in terms of "career flexibility." Some of these fields have very high early barriers to entry (radiologist), others have medium-high barriers to entry (nursing isn't a trivial degree program, nor is dental hygiene). However, out in SF, these fields often pay (at the median) as much as or considerably more than software development (again, at the median).
Now that I've gotten older with kid, I place a much higher emphasis on financial and career stability, and time with the family is more important than long hours at the office (or the small possibility of a huge financial score), I really do see vastly greater appeal in these health-related career paths than I did when I was younger. I wouldn't go so far as to say I wish I'd gone into one of these fields (grass is greener etc., and there's a reason I was so interested in computers and math as a young person and continue to be as a middle aged person). I'd just say that becoming a parent who would like a stable income and more time with my kids has helped me understand the desire to go into these fields far more than I used to.
If I could go back and have one piece of information its about dialing in my expectations. I find that there are (at least) two types of babies/young children. I call them chill babies and intense babies. If you get a chill baby then you can expect a subjectively normal pace of achieving milestones and overall less trouble. I'm not saying its easy with a chill baby, but its overall your stress levels will be lower. If you get an intense baby, you really need to take a step back and play the long game. They will take longer to get to the milestones, they will try your patience more, they will be more frustrating to respond to your inputs. Its like there is something interfering with their response system. While this can feel like you are doing things wrong at first, it can be confirmed when people give you advice about sleeping, eating, or gas and its clear they've never experienced what you are going through. Also, if you have one of each like I do, you can make the mistake of thinking that one is normal and that there is something wrong with the intense baby. Don't worry about the intense baby's lack of milestones or responses the odds say they will come out all right. (I was pretty sure my 1st born had ADD/Autism from week 3. ;)) The good news is that either way you get a little break from the frustration around 3 and they pretty much equalize around 7 or 8. Just be ready for either and figure out a way to spend lots of time with them.
I suspect the milestones thing is more a matter of birth weight and how well they eat. I've got an intense baby who just turned 10 months and is literally running around the apartment, trying to climb the furniture, signing a dozen or so words, following simple instructions, and biting when you make her angry. Of course she has consistently been ninety something percentile in weight. My wife is constantly amazed. The babies in her family are generally very chill, but ours hates strollers/carseats, refuses to nap more than an hour a day total, wakes with night terrors every hour or two, and screams/chases if her mother gets more than about 5 feet away. Each one is different I guess.
This is the core of the issue. But its still frustrating to see other children doing the things your child refuses to do or has a meltdown about. Especially simple things that you thought you could take for granted like pushing a baby in a stroller or napping.
How old is your "intense" kid now? I believe my stepdaughter falls in that category, and my wife and I seem to have the same worries you do (or did) about ADD and other psychological ailments.
She's clearly very smart. She's really good at math (she's in first grade but already has a good grasp of 3rd and even some 4th grade stuff). It took a while but now she's good at reading. She's creative, usually kind to others, VERY social (a challenge for both of us being introverted and shy to an extreme), and doesn't cause trouble anywhere.
However, every conversation with her is a challenge. She's stubborn, sticks to absurd ideas and gets really angry if we try to show her she's wrong. This is contradictory with her ease at math, but she has a hard time following logical things like if A -> B and B -> C, then A -> C, so there are daily verbal arguments with her that are very frustrating. It's practically impossible to have a 5 minute conversation with her without it drifting into nonsense.
I would say the main difference between my boys at each perspective age was the speed with which they could process reasoned input. The chill guy by age 2-2.5 or so would listen and generally abide by instructions almost immediately to the best of his age ability, the intense one would take days or weeks at the same age to get to the same level of practice and disagree and try to argue in favor of his ideas or actions. It was very frustrating at first (I would have to take a walk to cool down) but then I would catch him a few days later behaving in the directed way. I didn't say anything about it, but I was just wtf?? After all that, now you're fine? Slowly I saw the pattern emerge that he WAS processing the information, but that the appropriate behavior came later. Sometimes weeks. That's when I stopped worrying about it so much. He 'gets' it, he just needs time to process it in his own way. I'm not sure I handled it the best, but I would calmly explain the desired behavior or information and leave it at that. I acknowledged that he disagrees and move on. Honestly, I worry more about my integrity as an authority figure than his displeasure or the rightness or wrongness of the issue being discussed. (That's what I meant by the long game) I do a lot of image processing in my side project and his behavior reminds me of image thresholding. He needs to see or be exposed to an ideas a certain number of times before it takes. I have no authority to offer any real advice, other than I understand your frustration.
I think you will find that things you do in the short term for an easier life will come back and bite you later on. A prime example is cuddling your baby to sleep. This may get them off to sleep more easily in the start, but they will quickly become unable to sleep without you.
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[ 3.9 ms ] story [ 46.0 ms ] threadI wish I was more kind and patient and understanding more often. I wish I lived a bit less vicariously. These are the things that will make me a better parent. All the little points on which I can obsess over comparison with other families are a waste of energy; it's not about the relative but the absolute.
Congratulations and good luck.
Make the best of it as there will be tough days and nights. The first 3-4 months are the most difficult and it gets a bit easier after that. Remember, there is no right or wrong here.
I've noticed that a number of health related professions, ranging from dental hygienist and registered nurse up through dermatologist or radiologist, are big winners in terms of "career flexibility." Some of these fields have very high early barriers to entry (radiologist), others have medium-high barriers to entry (nursing isn't a trivial degree program, nor is dental hygiene). However, out in SF, these fields often pay (at the median) as much as or considerably more than software development (again, at the median).
Now that I've gotten older with kid, I place a much higher emphasis on financial and career stability, and time with the family is more important than long hours at the office (or the small possibility of a huge financial score), I really do see vastly greater appeal in these health-related career paths than I did when I was younger. I wouldn't go so far as to say I wish I'd gone into one of these fields (grass is greener etc., and there's a reason I was so interested in computers and math as a young person and continue to be as a middle aged person). I'd just say that becoming a parent who would like a stable income and more time with my kids has helped me understand the desire to go into these fields far more than I used to.
This is the core of the issue. But its still frustrating to see other children doing the things your child refuses to do or has a meltdown about. Especially simple things that you thought you could take for granted like pushing a baby in a stroller or napping.
She's clearly very smart. She's really good at math (she's in first grade but already has a good grasp of 3rd and even some 4th grade stuff). It took a while but now she's good at reading. She's creative, usually kind to others, VERY social (a challenge for both of us being introverted and shy to an extreme), and doesn't cause trouble anywhere.
However, every conversation with her is a challenge. She's stubborn, sticks to absurd ideas and gets really angry if we try to show her she's wrong. This is contradictory with her ease at math, but she has a hard time following logical things like if A -> B and B -> C, then A -> C, so there are daily verbal arguments with her that are very frustrating. It's practically impossible to have a 5 minute conversation with her without it drifting into nonsense.
Do you notice the same in your "intense"?