Ask HN: I've got a new job but the boss is a bully / abusive

[I am not a lawyer]

Are you in the USA? Consult with a lawyer immediately.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_work_environment

IANAL -- If you talk to a lawyer, which I think you should -- stick to the racism and sexism. Start documenting exact quotes. The lawyer will probably advise you to talk to HR, and their job is a lot easier if you have a journal (date/time/quote and context/list of those present).

Also, I think it's a good idea to not post on HN about this -- if it comes to a lawsuit, you could be asked about it, and nothing you say here or on forums can help you.

Also, stuff like this:

> I was listening to music with my headphones and he's like "WHO'S LISTENING TO THAT?" and then asked me to lower the volume because it "distracts" others.

is pretty reasonable -- perhaps not the exact style, but if the office culture is quiet (which it should be for programming) and they can hear music leak from your headphones, it is a distraction.

You cannot deal with it, ever.

Get out.

Quick!

One of my coworkers listens to music on headphones all day, so loud I can hear it. It gets old fast. He also frequently smells like marijuana, a very strong smell. It is very annoying, I'm almost ready to walk out over it.

He is the boss' favorite, so I can't do anything.

I was just in this exact same position last year, and unfortunately have had this experience earlier before that as well. First, the situation may stay the same or worsen, but it won't get better, so you should begin looking for a new job. Second, don't talk to HR or make any formal complaints. Talking to HR makes it worst - they are there to keep the company free of trouble and liability, not to make your workplace better. Chances are if you talk to HR, they will tell your boss and everyone will start picking on you even more in an attempt to get you to quit. Talk to a lawyer to determine what type of documentation and evidence you need to take legal action, and get it. In the meantime smile and act like everything is fine at work. The most difficult part of this will be finding a competent lawyer who can help you stick up for your rights. It's a bad situation, but good luck.

Engineers and employees in general really need to understand their rights better. I will write up something comprehensive later.

Some bullet points in the main time:

1. Being a bully and verbally abusive is not illegal.

2. Racist jokes are not illegal unless they are impacting your work. This is the gray area of the law. Visit your local EEOC office.

Poke around here on your own: http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm

3. Flirting is not harassment.

4. Working in a shitty environment sucks. Just tough it out till you get a new job.

You should start actively looking for another job. If you can't find one, can you try to transfer in another team? What is your personal situation? Can relocate if your area doesn't have jobs?

This is a technical fix, but then this is a technical forum - try getting big over the ear headphones that really block out what other people are saying. Then you'll be damaging your hearing if they can hear your music.

To fix the underlying problem, you should seek new employment.

Post his name online. Post his linked in. Online shame to follow. ask /b/ for advice.

Call him on his bullshit! Don't be one of the people who lets him skate by because he's the boss. At the end of the day he's just a human being; flaws and all.

If I were you I'd take him out for a beer and tell him everything you wrote here. You'll probably be the first person who was ever honest with him about this.

If he has a modicum of character, he'll respect you for it and honor your concerns. If he doesn't care about the issues you bring up then that's beyond your control. In that case you'll have done what you could and I think you can move on to something else with a clear conscience.

Obviously I think that is unacceptable.

But being realistic if you aren't able to afford to eat, then you need to find another job before you leave this one. So I'd concentrate on that, finding something else. Unfortunately you'll have to put up with this for a little while, so you could start documenting what goes on if you wish to make some legal complaint (although that might be expensive, unless you can find a lawyer who will work on a % of the potential winnings).

Nobody should have to put up with racism and abuse in the workplace, and I have no strategies for dealing with that except to get out ASAP. The only thing I would say is, try and ignore the things he doesn't which don't directly impact you (e.g. flirting with female employees, it really has zero impact on you, your work, or anything).

Be positive . . . make the most of it . . . but keep looking for remote rails opportunities . . . polish up your rails skills in the evening and start a side project/rails app to keep your skills sharp/improve them.

At work, stay positive, make the best of it, keep your head down and money coming in until you land a better remote gig.

Good luck sticking in there.

btw I don't think lawyers/HR is a good move unless something really serious happens.

If you need money now, make the best of it and keep looking for a rails gig or other local gig.

Good luck.

Oh, they also mentioned I'm not allowed to eat pork (or derived) in the company because they are Jewish.

I believe this is just one of the first "not allowed" from a long list. Fucking hell.

Here are some very pragmatic advices not based on what it should be (were the world fair and just) but on what is most likely is:

1. If your music can be heard outside your earphone it must be very loud. For your own auditory health sake turn it down. Even if you are using it to isolate from the office noise, once you lose your hearing you cannot get it back so it is not worth it to sacrifice it for short term gain.

2. Regarding all the misbehaviour towards your other coworkers, don't interfere. A lot like in domestic abuse cases, sometimes the victims end up taking the aggressor's side and you end up in a situation of both the aggressor and the victims being against you. Just don't.

3. The kind of abuse you are being subjected is not tolerable and the best way to stop it (as others said) is to quit the job. It is very unlikely that there is a course of action that will result in you keeping your job and your abusive boss getting fired.

4. People failed to understand the depth of your problem: if you can't afford to eat properly you can't afford to pay for a lawyer and probably you don't have the spare time to find one out that will take your case pro bono or on contingency. If you could, the best course of action would still be to quit.

Now is the part of the advice that will really suck because it assumes a flawed world where doing the right thing don't always pay out and doing the wrong thing isn't always punished.

Being totally honest here: (as per your other post) you took a PHP job not being in touch with the technology for the past 8 years. You took a Windows shop job being a Linux person for the past 15 years. It is very hard to understand how you got the job in the first place given the lack of technological fit and they will probably treat you as a stop gap until they can find someone more qualified.

If your situation is so dire that you were willing to fill the position anyway and if you can't afford to quit a job that in the second day you already found out that is not for you: you will have to muster the strength and carry on.

- Block out all external stimulus not related to your task at hand

- Don't talk to your coworkers except for task related subjects.

- Don't listen to your coworkers conversations.

- Don't observe your boss comments or behaviour.

- Don't respond to abusive comments.

- Hide your feelings as well as you can, fake a convincing laugh and keep at your task.

- Don't spend a single additional second of your own time the presence of abusive people

- Do your job as well as is necessary to receive your paycheque and count the days until you can finally quit.

These are not idealist advice, it is very unlikely that you are going change that workplace environment, save your coworkers or win a big lawsuit. But if you can't absolutely quit that job (and, assuming conditions as bad as you describe, I would even if the alternative was hunger and homelessness) pretend, fake and carry on as well as you can in this situation.

And sorry for the long post.

Sounds like you need to laugh at his jokes and follow his orders. Ignore anything relating to others, its not your business and not something to stress about. Think about the adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Flatter him, make him feel good about himself, then down the road when you start biting back a bit it will hurt.

Honestly, if this was me, I would ask your boss to have a 5 minute chat. Go for a coffee or something.

Then just tell him exactly what you've been feeling. Describe things that he has said & how they made you feel.

There is a chance that he has absolutely no idea the effect he is having on you.

Please contact me, email in profile.

Notify HR. If nothing happens, leave. You'll find another job, especially as a developer. No reason to stay at a place where you feel uncomfortable.

I learned this the hard way.

Your boss is a fucking douchebag. I wouldn't try to fix the situation, anyone who says "Give one banana to this immigrant" can't be reasoned with. Try to have people to talk to so you dont have to keep it inside of you. People easily acquire psychological health issues when they are in situations like yours.

I think the best thing you can do is actively look for another job. That will keep you going through the days.

There's an Old Work Rule: People don't leave jobs, they leave bosses.

It can be extremely difficult during the interview process to determine the true, unvarnished nature of personalities. Next time, be sure to meet with your potential team members and counterparts. Ask probing questions about the bosses management style and company culture.

So move on; quickly now. Cut your loses today if all possible. Chalk up the experience to nothing ventured, nothing gained.

There is no "right" to not being offended.

Capacity/capability is only the first hurdle at a new job. If others aren't also upset, perhaps the problem is you're just not a good fit?

The banana comment makes me think your boss is a bit of an ass, but you must realize not all jokes translate across culture/language. There is so much to delivery of any joke - failed or otherwise. When I read that line, the voice in my head sounded like Jerry Seinfeld. Maybe I've watched too much Seinfeld...maybe he was trying to be funny, but maybe he's just an ass who lacks the emotional intelligence to see he's upsetting the new guy.

Best of luck to you...though it's probably better to make your own luck and keep searching for a new gig.