Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad?

Congratulations!

17 years ago my (ex) wife and I bought a small handful of books. Despite my enthusiasm for the books, I don't think I read any of them past the preface, especially after our son was born; buy what appeals to you, and don't overthink things.

Our son graduates high school in another year. He's a viable human being, he likes people, people like him, we love each other. I have no idea how that happened.

No one knows how to raise a child, but we mostly seem to do OK.

Do what your wife's doctor says for health and nutrition. Do what your eventual pediatrician says for health and nutrition. Buy black and red mobiles.

Hold your child a lot. Play with your child a lot. Talk to your child. Read to him. Sing to him. Give him toys and books. Show him everything, but not all at once. Tell your child "I love you" for the rest of your life, and show him.

Enjoy the ride.

First off, congratulations! My daughter is 2.5 now, but it seems like yesterday I was where you are now. The best advice I can give you is take all advice with a grain of salt. We got so much conflicting advice it was hard to know who to believe. My wife is a biologist/registered nurse/doctor so I thought we'd have an advantage, but it didn't stop the wives' tales (apparently driving while pregnant encourages the baby to walk sooner).

My wife and I found the Penelope Leach books (What to Expect when you are expecting, and what to expect from your <x> year old) very helpful. When my first daughter was born I was very empirical about figuring out what worked and what didn't, when my second daughter was born she was different from the moment she emerged, I realized that no two kids are alike so the experiences of one will likely not relate to a different one.

The one thing I wish someone had told me was how much they are learning even when they aren't talking or really even moving. Take advantage of that by talking and reading to them a lot, I am a firm believer that kids can ingest way more information than you can deliver. Very little chance of talking to much or reading to much to them.

All said though it has been the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. I would wish for you a great experience as well.

As a hacker and father, I've found "do what feels right" to be pretty good advice. I'm not saying I'm an absolutely stellar father or anything (contrary to the "Best dad ever" shirt I received for Father's Day), but my son is very bright and healthy, and always seems happy to see me so I figure I must be doing something correctly. I might be a bit overprotective, but I'm okay with that.

One thing: I don't know how much you tend to bring your work home with you, but that has to stop between the time you get home, and the time your child goes to bed. This was a tough one for me, since children aren't nearly as intellectually stimulating as programming or reading - that said, I'm a much happier person for it. I still read and program in my spare time, but only once the little one is asleep.

Also I found any books recommended to me to be absolutely worthless. Not saying there are no good parenting books, just that I haven't read any.

Finally, congratulations! The fact that you're already concerned with doing a good job tells me you'll probably be a great dad. Like I said, just do what feels right :)

I'm assuming you and your partner are both (at least fairly) smart and (at least fairly) well educated and you are (at least fairly) well resourced (meaning you got friends, good relationship to your parents, jobs, ...). You will do just fine.

You do not need to be a "perfect" parent, just good enough. Remember to nurture also your relationship with your partner and reserve some time for yourself. When you and partner feel good about your life and are well resources, the kid will turn up just fine.

Before my daughter was born, I spent of lot of my free time coding—open source, side projects, etc. After she was born, that other stuff just didn't seem as important anymore. There's no perfect README for perfect parenting—we figure that out as we go along and it's all okay in the end. But absolutely, remember that there is no substitute for your time. Give her/him that. The rest will work out.

> prenatal nutrition

Take a folate supplement. Just the cheap folate only ones will do if you have a healthy diet.

http://www.foodstandards.gov.au/consumer/generalissues/pregn...

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/folicacid/recommendations.html

Don't overthink it. Other people have managed it too.

Our doctor recommended to read just one book and one book only, in order to not get confused. On other side I've found that since a lot of books tend to contradict each other, most issues are not really issues at all, so we just do what feels right.

The single most important recommendation: Stay away from online parenting forums!

I found that the only one worthwile was the Parenting Stackexchange site: http://parenting.stackexchange.com/

(But even that one I've rarely used...)

I think the only really useful book I read for the steps towards becoming a parent (how to support your partner, being practical and useful during the actual birth, etc, etc) was Cheers to Childbirth http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13557192-cheers-to-childb...

If your wife doesn't already exercise, she should start. Even just a 20-30 minute walk after meals is a solid start.

As far as the prenatal diet, there are, to my understanding, two important elements. One is folate. The other is maintaining a healthy weight. Your wife isn't eating for two, she's eating for 1.1 or so. Although the crave-induced trips to the ice cream shop are fine for movies, being overweight is associated with complications during pregnancy and delivery. Not a doctor, this is just what I read as I read up on this during my own wife's pregnancy.

Early child rearing is pretty damn basic. Feed the kid as much as they will eat. Breastmilk is best, but formula is better than not having enough. They sleep better when well fed, so it can make the first few weeks a lot less hellish if you have some formula on hand if your wife's production isn't up yet. There's not anything else to it for at least 15 months from where you are now, so I wouldn't sweat those details yet. You'll have more than enough to deal with between now and then.

To err on the side of cautions, minimize the use of TV screens in the room where the baby is hanging out, even as background noise.

Hospital-grade breast pumps are more than worth the $90 rental fee. Even better if your insurance will pay.

Do whatever you can to resolve any conflict anti-patterns you have with your wife now. This part does not get easier once the baby arrives.

Books Dr. Sears and the AMA has one. Their dad book is junk, because either it's mostly health and most of the dad books are written as if you are a bungling fool.

I have a daughter approaching 18mo, so not that far ahead of you. Some thoughts:

* This is both more work and more fun than you can imagine :).

* Don't dumb things down too much. I noticed my daughter can often understand more than I "expect" at the time, so I take care not to e.g. simplify how I speak/teach too much (clarity and repetition is important, but they make leaps all the time so don't hold back too much).

* Lots of people will offer an opinion, myself included, but find your own way. Do what comes naturally (although I am not what you'd call a natural with babies, once I had one of my own it feels natural after all).

* If your partner is doing most of the care while you work (common for the Mums still these days) do not underestimate how hard/tiring it is for her! It is relentless work/focus that is much more tiring than a day in an office (despite also being full of fun!). Get home early to spend time with your baby and help with the evening routine.

* You will start to value sleep like never before. ;)

The single best thing we've done is split child care responsibilities evenly. After the first year (when my wife was off full time and breast feeding) we moved to 4 days of work each, with our respective weekdays off used to look after our daughter. This has made my bond with her a lot closer, and I have the experience/knowledge to split shared care time better with my wife (often there is one "default" parent who ends up doing too much work).

No book can really prepare you. The best thing to do is bask in the moment for now and start to slowly but surely prepare.

For now, make sure the baby is healthy and everything is going well in there. High five your wife too - she's going to be carrying a lot all too soon!

As for the whole process, I found the best thing for me was simply learning from and observing fathers I respect and admire. My grandfather is probably one of the biggest influences on my own journey as a father, but I've done mt best to absorb what seems wise from many people I know.

In the end, just observe, absorb, learn - and discard what you consider unwise or not suited to how you want to be as a father,

And of course, many congratulations!!

For early child rearing, I found "Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 5th Edition: Birth to Age 5" by American Association of Pediatrics, very handy and simple.

Manage expectations. Children can be a lot more stressful than many people anticipate. Plan for sleep interruptions and discuss with your partner how you might manage sleep disruption so you both get some sleep rather than both of you getting next to none. Realize that nappies need to be changed a lot, you will get stains on your lush carpet and stuff will get broken. The amazing highlights you might already be imagining might make up 5-10% of the experience of having children - the other 90% ranges from the boring/mundane to the maddening/frustrating/despair inducing. Hopefully that 5% will outshine the rest, and for many people it will, but realize it won't be all peaches and cream. And be prepared for CHANGE. In your life, your partners life, and especially in your relationship. You live by a whole different set of rules now, and special time together (just you and your partner), let alone time to yourself, may become a distant memory for a few years. Your partners body will change, and may never see its pre-baby days, your sex life will be hit and miss for a long time, and there is in fact a whole lot of stuff that will never be the same again. Be prepared to accept and deal with this change, and learn to love it.

Be realistic, and develop strategies to deal with the reality of having a second full-time job. I think this whole space is ripe for "lifehacker" style innovation, so go for it. Above all remember that it is not all about YOU anymore - it is about a little life you have created, and your happiness will no longer come from getting what you want on a daily basis, but from seeing this little life develop and flourish into a healthy and happy person.

And good luck!

Like everyone said, your time and attention are what is needed most. The book that resonated with me the most was the 'No regrets parenting'. Mostly it reinforces the idea that time and attention are important but also gives good ideas for how to make really good personal and family traditions. Ways to celebrate everyday moments you have with your kid don't need to be more than ice cream sundaes but they mean a lot. Like all advice take this with a grain of salt and see how it works for you.

Parenting is like having your code reviewed constantly: people will judge every decision you make, and you will judge yourself based on things you read and other people's children. On top of that, many of these judgements are entirely subjective!

I think it's important to take on board the suggestions of others because they provide useful external input. But ultimately what makes fatherhood so rewarding is seeing the way that both you and your child grow together as a result of the way you parent.

Good luck and have fun. But remember a lot of the time it won't be fun.

Everyone has missed the only thing you need to know:

http://theoatmeal.com/pl/minor_differences4/kids

Most of the books suck and aren't worth reading. The best perspective is this book called "How Children Succeed". Basically focus on the big things -- teach grit, curiosity, self-control, etc. That took alot of the stress out of everything and allowed me to focus on what mattered. The "Conscious Parent" was a good one too -- again focus on the everyday and don't be a helicopter parent is the message there. Lastly as more of a straight up playbook we read one of those French parenting books, "Bringing up Bebe" -- totally helped with toddler eating. What you expect when you're expecting -- throw it in the garbage.

Three children here.

Don't worry about any books or stuff. They're all pretty crappy. Some of them are written by people who have never even had children. Best advice I can offer:

1. If you find a problem, fix it. Don't worry too much about it occurring to start with. Most of them don't. Google is your friend here but stick to scientific solutions, not fad ones.

2. Don't get embroiled in political parenting campaigns like "breast is best" and all that. Just do whatever is comfortable.

3. Regarding prenatal nutrition, don't control it. Let her eat what she wants. Cravings are there for a reason. If you control it too much, a shrivelled rag will pop out without any extra body fat. Children get sick and need some extra incase they lose it. My other half lived on mixed grills and roast chicken and to quote our doctor, our children are abnormally well.

Edit: Couple more...

4. If you are sensitive to minor gore or bodily fluids, start trying to shake this now. They make regular appearances and you don't have time to get iffy about it.

5. Don't panic and always carry a towel. Good advice from Douglas Adams.

We're about to have our first child in 3 weeks(give or take). Some things that have helped: my wife. She can explain a lot that I've had questions about because she's been thinking about kids for a long time, and generally goes to baby showers and likes to play with babies. The hospital. They offer free classes on everything from breastfeeding to being a new dad. Heidi Murkoff has a corny but valuable and informative video series on YouTube where each week she tells you what's going on with the baby. It's good to watch each week with the wife, and her book has sold a zillion copies. 2 books I have are "what to expect when your wife is expanding" by Thomas hill and the other is "be prepared-a practical handbook for new dads" by Greenberg and Hayden. As far as your wife's and baby's nutrition, her doctor should prescribe what they need. She'll be monitored well and getting lots of lab tests done to keep them healthy, so just worry about all the million other things instead. :) Hope this helps some.

The English NHS has a bunch or articles for parents. These are calm and evidence based. Watch out for cultural differences though - in England the current advice is that bottles must be sterilised carefully just before each use; other countries say you don't need to sterilise bottles. (Bottle feeding isn't just for formula - women can express breast milk and let dads do some feeding).

Investigate sources of help for breast feeding. Most women want to; many experience problems, and by the time they've got help it's too late, they've bought all the bottles and formula and stopped breast feeding.

Your sleep is going to be totally disrupted. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method so don't underestimate the disruption that lack of sleep can cause.

Uncle speaking; my second niece was born on Friday! I'm in Australia, they in the UK ... I'll get to see them all in a few months.

The first niece, now 7, is a spectacular human. Her parents are, in the kindest sense - and I truly mean this as a compliment - idiots. They don't take themselves seriously. They laugh. They go out, they have fun, they meet new people, they embrace life. Neither are rich, nor will they ever be.

I once said to my mam, "look at that kid. How is she so happy? How is that possible?!". Her response: all she's ever known is laughter and happiness. How could she not be like that?

So, my utterly unqualified advice: enjoy it. Smile and laugh a lot. Don't stress, especially not the little details. Everything will be just fine.

Congratulations!

In Europe (I think) there are two popular "systems" for small babies. One is Gina Ford:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Contented-Little-Baby-Book/dp/00...

And the other is the EASY (Eat, Active time, Sleep, You time) "system" I think explained in this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secrets-The-Baby-Whisperer-Communica...

All of these are just guides but we did find the schedules helpful. Telling you how when and how much your baby should be sleeping per day, eating at each feed etc. Of course none of it goes perfectly but it is good to have something to aim for!

Once our baby was big enough to eat solid foods my wife loved this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Annabel-Karmels-Complete-Toddler-Pla...