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Ask HN: What are your best “soft skill” resources?

164 points by acconrad ↗ HN
I'm at this point in my career where I'm in a good groove improving my technical skills, but I'm starting to require more and more time into my softer skills (communication, negotiation, persuation, et al). What are your favorite resources (classes, websites, books, blogs) that you use to develop those skills?

68 comments

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thisjustinm
I recommend "Soft Skills: A software developer's life manual" by John Sonmez

http://www.manning.com/sonmez/

ibash
I own / read parts of that book. I found it lacking on advice about working within a company, there were two chapters on working within a company and then it dives into quitting your job and working on your brand.

Are there any other recommendations that have more information on working within a company?

nphyte
how to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie.
walterbell
Some employers will pay for the expensive but worthwhile Dale Carnegie course, which is delivered in major cities.
dietrichepp
The title of the book put me off, but it worthwhile to read. Some of the stuff seems basic, but we all (speaking as a developer) had to learn the basics of computer programming, too.
yitchelle
About to say the same thing. I resisted a couple of times. Just wished that they did not pick a title comes across as manuscript for snake oil selling.

The basic and obvious stuff needs to be spelled out as it solidified the concepts.

JacobAldridge
Always a risk to self-promote, but last month our team launched our Compass Platform - Behavioral Indicators and associated support to help business founders and leadership teams in private enterprise [1].

I've found these are more balanced, so work better than tools like DISC and Myers-Briggs, which tend to 'put people into a box' and therefore work against creating an inclusive environment.

The four soft skills these tools help me understand with my clients and prospective clients are Communication, Attitude to Risk, Role Preference (Entrepreneur Leader Manager), and Natural Pace (what pg calls Makers v Managers).

I've obviously done some training on these, and nowadays deliver (mostly internal company) training on them as well. The website and online tests are a great starting point - having an understanding of a potential client or recruit's Risk profile, for example, makes it so much easier to connect with them and explain a value proposition.

[1] http://www.shirlawscompass.com/

reitanqild
Parent was downvoted with no comment, didn't seem unusually spammy so I at least upvoted it again.

I notice that even after my upvote it hadn't crossed 0 so it seems it wasn't a single downvote.

People: If you downvote others for non-obvious reasons, please leave a note on why.

JacobAldridge
Yes, got a couple of early downvotes likely due to the self-referencing answer. I don't worry - unless there is some specific feedback or criticism shared, it normally balances back out in the end.
analog31
...having an understanding of a potential client or recruit's Risk profile, for example, makes it so much easier to connect with them and explain a value proposition...

Maybe I'm not getting this, but I can't think of a reason why I'd supply someone with information to help them deliver a sales pitch or to negotiate with me.

JacobAldridge
Good point. I'm a business coach/consultant, so my clients provide this information because it also helps enormously with understanding why they are doing what they do as business leaders. It's slightly deeper than providing your email address (hello sales emails) for an ebook (which is worth it).

To the OP's point, however, being aware of these skills and your own preferences makes it easier to assess others you meet. If you know the Risk Profile for you and your team, you may be able to judge in a negotiation that the other party chases returns but abhors volatility and adjust your approach accordingly.

zhte415
Depends on how this is done. An objective framework to work in can help a lot, in which case supplying information does help, but selective disclosure can be dangerous.
zhte415
Reading your website now. All the more exposure, all the more to learn.

I do disagree with your assessment of Myers-Briggs and DiSC, however; perhaps that's because of my exposure to them differs:

I've always seen Myers-Briggs as an example of self-discovery, rather than putting others into a box. i.e. "Are you aware you do these things?" with the answer often "No" or "Actually, I thought I was the opposite." My first company did it for everyone in the on-boarding 2 weeks training/induction period. It was useful for self reflection.

DiSC: Every training I've been exposed to started really clearly with a line like "This is a tool for understanding people and their environment. Your home and work environment, for example, are probably different, and so is your communication in these environments. Likewise, your work environment changes over time and role. DiSC types are not about putting people into a box, and people are not a single type, but a combination of types with stronger weightings in some areas."

tedks
Myers-Briggs is totally ascientific and could be thought of as self-discovery in the same sense reading tea leaves is.

Myers-Briggs has been repeatedly found to have no reliability or validity as a personality trait assessment and has been totally superseded in psychology research by the OCEAN metrics, which are empirically developed.

Ironically, the only place I still see MBTI used is in computer science papers.

walterbell
1) Tactical Office Politics

http://www.manager-tools.com/2013/04/politics-101-chapter-3-...

http://www.manager-tools.com/2013/05/politics-101-chapter-3-...

"This guidance probably should have been Chapter 1 of our Politics 101 series. It’s foundational. It’s a HUGE problem for many professionals, particularly young – and dare we say it, naïve – professionals. So many young people say, “I don’t ‘play politics.’” The more savvy folks around them think, that’s good, because this isn’t a ‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "

2) Improve human memory, reduce dependence on high-latency offboard storage (paper, web)

http://mt.artofmemory.com/wiki/Main_Page

3) GTD for Hackers, https://gtdfh.branchable.com

4) The language of organizational models/patterns. The book "Key Management Models" has a good overview, http://www.google.com/search?q=key%20management%20models. The 3rd edition has 75 org models which help when designing the model de jour.

5) Richard Hamming, "You and Your Research", 1986, http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~robins/YouAndYourResearch.html

"One of the characteristics of successful scientists is having courage. Once you get your courage up and believe that you can do important problems, then you can. If you think you can't, almost surely you are not going to. Courage is one of the things that Shannon had supremely. You have only to think of his major theorem. He wants to create a method of coding, but he doesn't know what to do so he makes a random code. Then he is stuck. And then he asks the impossible question, `What would the average random code do?' He then proves that the average code is arbitrarily good, and that therefore there must be at least one good code. Who but a man of infinite courage could have dared to think those thoughts? That is the characteristic of great scientists; they have courage. They will go forward under incredible circumstances;"

Shaniqua
>’” The more savvy folks around them think, that’s good, because this isn’t a ‘game’ you can ‘play.’ "

Politics strikes me as something very atavistic. I avoid people who play politics at all costs - I simply can't imagine anything good coming from them.

walterbell
Recognizing such people is itself a skill, which can be learned.
sib
Unfortunately, as Pericles said, "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you." (Sometimes also attributed to Trotsky)
ndespres
1. Career Tools and Manager Tools podcasts. Career advice, interviewing help, resume-building, team interactions, navigating office life/culture, salary negotiation, having your voice heard, and many other topics discussed in a friendly and approachable way. I listen every week. https://www.manager-tools.com/

2. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" isn't just for talking to children. Some good advice in here that applies to talking with adults also. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/145166388...

flarg
What actually helped me was to get married - it's the best training in soft skills that you can get.
wwkeyboard
You might try Toastmasters. Once you get past the first few "nervousness" lessons they focus on how to convey meaning with speech. Every chapter is different, so YMMV. Several of the speeches you have to prepare cover persuasion, motivation, and how to structure a speech so that everyone remembers exactly what you want them to remember. They teach through having you give a series of 5-7 minute speeches, but I've found the practice helpful beyond giving a formal talk.
hluska
I second Toastmasters. They took me from a shy undergraduate who had panic attacks the night before speaking in front of a class and turned me into someone who genuinely loves public speaking and hasn't used notes to speak in over a decade!!

There are two caveats to Toastmasters:

- each chapter is different. I have now belonged to three and loved two. The third chapter was my personal hell of realtors and financial managers who were trolling for clients. My self promotion allergy was way too active...

- you get exactly what you put into TM. I know a guy who started in the same chapter at the same time as me. I spoke every chance that I could get and improved quickly. He was never willing to truly embarrass himself, rarely spoke and got next to nothing out of the organization.

mwilliamson
Made to Stick, by Chip and Dan Heath [1]. They ask "how is it that certain ideas seem to stick our minds better than others?", and give concrete advice on how to improve the stickiness of your own ideas. I've found it useful to avoid forgettable business waffle that fails to change people's minds nor behaviour. One of the many examples they give is of Nordstrom (a fashion retailer). They could have said "we want to delight our customers". Instead, they use stories of employees that embodied those principles: ironing a shirt for a customer that needed it that afternoon, refunding tyre chains even though Nordstrom doesn't sell tyre chains.

[1] http://www.amazon.co.uk/Made-Stick-ideas-others-unstuck-x/dp...

enraged_camel
Toastmasters is a phenomenal resource for improving one's public speaking and improvisation skills.
rrecuero
From my point of view, it boils down to communication and self awareness. Nonviolent Communication that was mentioned before is a great book.

Also, I found that the Pathwise Leadership Program (http://pathwisemanagement.com/) has helped me a great deal in knowing myself and finding out how to frame your communication in the best way possible.

selleck
I just finished The Charisma Myth:

http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magneti...

On audio book and immediately bought a physical copy. The book is filled with tips and tricks to increase your charisma that can be applied right away.

thirdtruck
Seconding. I found it an invaluable read, as well. It dispels quite a few invisible myths.
colinbartlett
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie should be required reading for anyone who interacts with human beings.
jxm262
This book has been mentioned to me at least a dozen times. For some reason, your comment is the one that just pushed me over the edge to buy it :)

I'm posting this just because it's been recommended so often to me there must be something to it.

javcasas
Yeah, the book is impressive. It will teach you how to become likeable by most people, and that is something you definitely need if you want to become a manager or any kind of leader, or just if you have to deal with people on your job, even if it's just your boss and coworkers.
shash7
Its a really nice book. In fact, I am gonna read it again after seeing your comment!
t-3-k
For me that tipping point was when I came across this:

>The one book we encourage startup founders to read is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's critically important for anyone in business.

http://www.paulgraham.com/startupfaq.html

vldx
It's a valuable book, despite it's name. My tipping point was a Warren Buffett interview, where he mentioned how it influenced his early life.
protomyth
Do some volunteer work, it looks good on your resume, it does some good in the world, and it improves your soft skills because it takes you out of your grove and sticks you in a new, non-threatening situation (hopefully). Plus, most volunteer events have mentors that will teach you how to deal with people. Do something simple, do not go overboard, and listen to how the professionals there deal with people.
thadd
I've found the best is a combination of being social and spending a good amount of time reading. If you're looking for books, take a look at The Great Books of the Western World.
soham
Best way, is to actually put yourself in a situation where you have to live the skills you're trying to get better at. i.e. I'd suggest you work a short (part-time) side stint in Sales or Customer support or Recruiting, especially under a seasoned manager and sincerely carry a quota. The pressure of actually closing that deal will improve you at a rate nothing else will.

Books and everything else will definitely help, but I'd treat them as supplemental resources. You don't get good at soccer by reading about it. You got to play it. You don't get good at coding by reading about coding; you have to actually write code.

Not saying you meant that you only want to read in order to get better and nothing else, but just trying to draw attention that getting better at soft skills is also about actual practice, like anything else.

[Me: http://InterviewKickstart.com. We practice for tech interviews, and we get better at those too]

at-fates-hands
Came here to say the same thing. It's one thing to read a book, it's quite another to handle objections on the fly with an argumentative customer standing in front of you.

I had a buddy who was terrified to do presentations and was very socially awkward. He finally decided in order to overcome these issues, he started a side company and created a small app that he wanted to sell. He literally forced himself to cold call people in order to get more comfortable interacting with clients. Then he would try and set up meetings where he would have to present his idea to the clients.

It was a very elaborate way for him to overcome his fears and get comfortable being in front of people and selling people on his product. It wasn't easy, but the one thing he had going for him was determination to do it in order to learn some very valuable skills.

firepoet
I have many many recommendations. Here are a few of what I've experienced and practiced:

https://www.neuroleadership.com/education/bbc/brain-based-co... Training -- Brain-Based Conversation Skills

http://www.quietleadership.com/index Book -- Quiet Leadership

http://www.centerforappreciativeinquiry.net/ Training -- Appreciative Inquiry

http://www.amazon.com/Appreciative-Inquiry-Positive-Revoluti... Book -- Appreciative Inquiry: A Positive Revolution in Change

http://aliainstitute.org/ Authentic Leadership in Action Institute (Buddhist foundation)

http://shambhala.org/ The path of meditation focused on creating "enlightened society." Starts with where most of the issue is: your own mind.

wpietri
Let me second the appreciative inquiry stuff. As a programmer, I'm used to looking for problems so I can fix them. But I wasn't nearly as good at consciously appreciating what was working well. It has been a big help in improving how I work with people.
pjmorris
Pretty much the entire Jerry Weinberg canon, but 'Becoming A Technical Leader', and 'Secrets of Consulting' are two excellent places to start.
samstokes
Just want to vigorously agree with the recommendation of "Becoming a Technical Leader".

That's even if you don't think a leader is what you want to become. One of the earliest points he makes is that leadership is something you do, not something you are - and if you're trying to persuade people, that's a leadership behaviour.

zhte415
Harvard's Program on Negotiation.

'Any meeting, discussion, or human contact, is basically a negotiation.' is their stance, with a real emphasis on role play. Position vs. Interest, Group vs. 1-1, etc.

The role play exercises can be downloaded from http://www.pon.harvard.edu/store/ * Free for checking / testing with detailed notes for the trainer / post-exercise * Low price for use (around $3 dollars/copy licensed use - super low for what they bring)

What do they bring? Really accelerated understanding of behavior (yours and theirs) in any interaction you have. This is be done via role-play and reflection, not a reading and 'know it' resource, so download a few and play them with colleagues.