Skipping the long story as to where I am in my life right now, I am looking for advice on where to go from here.

Long story short, I majored at a well known very good engineering school, but in a major that taught me nothing. Basically a "cybsersecurity" degree that was an inch deep and a mile wide. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and due to many factors became too depressed and distracted (in part by an itty bitty pandemic) to get myself out of my situation back then.

I managed to get a job, though. I have been working for a year now at a large tech company (non target, shitty tech, but you've heard of it). But my job is barely technical - I basically take helm charts that the software engineers make, modify them, and use them to deploy their products in various environments. And I run "yum update" sometimes on different instances when a secops team tells me they've found vulnerable packages. Don't ask why they can't do that, I don't know. Sometimes I debug production issues, which boils down to having a real engineer on the phone telling me where to click. I try to learn from these sessions, but have been moved between about 10 different products in my short time at the company, limiting my ability to actually get that depth of knowledge I so sorely crave.

I am lacking in many CS fundamentals. I, for example, understand Big O at a high level but struggle to know the time and space complexity of any function I write or read. I understand vaguely the ideas underpinning object oriented programming but have produced nothing beyond trivial "instantiate a class with some attributes and methods" type of toy examples. I can manipulate strings and arrays. I could probably do fizz buzz in an interview. My ops/linux/IT knowledge is somewhat strong, but I see the writing on the wall for folks who don't code day to day -- Lambda/IaC etc will make us obsolete. I do not particularly enjoy programming, or I haven't yet, at least. But I need to put food on the table with a career that will last another 40-50 years, and I don't want to have to clamor for crumbs in my later years. I might be getting paid way more than I should be at the moment, but that won't last if I can't keep up with real programmers.

I do not know whether I could thrive in a junior software position because the more I think about it, the more I realize that I know basically nothing about software engineering.

I have tried over the last few months to educate myself on leetcode, DS&A, etc. I don't seem to have the discipline, motivation, or focus to do this on my own. I keep vacillating between different topics and don't know what the right order to (re)learn things is.

What do I do? Do I go back to school for another 4 years and major in a real cs degree? Are there any bootcamps that aren't scams that could bring me up to speed? I learn quickly, but my current job has almost no opportunities for training and close to zero access to real engineers to learn from.

I want to reiterate: I learn very well when it's from other people teaching me, I just don't have that opportunity outside of school or at work.

I am trying to balance the opportunity cost of any of these options -- I still get paid a lot in my current role. And giving that up for even a bootcamp possibly wouldn't be a good move. But on the other hand, I don't want to continue coasting here, learning nothing, as one day this company will crash and burn and then I will be left with nothing.

I feel as though I don't have imposter syndrome so much as I am an actual imposter.

So, HN, does anyone have any clever suggestions as to how I can become the real deal?