Ask HN: Any good collaboratively built documentation on good parenting?

I’d like to add: Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves — reduce your effort by working with nature and not against it. Teach respect, self-respect by modeling them. Let your child learn who they are by giving them age appropriate meaningful choices. Create conditions for them to learn self discipline by following their interests and projects.

All great suggestions.

I'd also like to add Janet Lansbury [1] as a great resource

[1] http://www.janetlansbury.com/

> my sister wants her kids to be doctors

Thats such an Indian stereotype :D. Source: me.

And remember to recalibrate for your sense of “normal” which was formed by your parents, and by their parents.

I don't think it's a bad thing to want to see other people's ideas and thoughts on it.

As long as you bear in mind what they are - just individuals' ideas - not advice, the right answer, gospel, etc.

There is lots of room for variation, but there are also things that are well established scientifically to have a known effect.

Talking to babies more helps them learn language faster.

Reading to children helps them become stronger readers.

spanking children makes them more likely to have problems with aggression. Later in life it's a risk factor for criminality and problems with mental health.

I'd say ignore most advice from people you do know too. Especially anyone who doesn't have kids, or only has one kid. There are definitely good tips to take from parents or books -- the stuff from happiest baby on the block (swaddling, shushing, etc), which baby carrier doesn't hurt your friend's back, etc. But kids are so different, what works for one won't work for another. So anyone who listens to your tale of why your particular baby is difficult and then tells you why you're doing something wrong is just full of shit. They can tell you things to try, and who knows if they'll work, it's always worth a shot. But please don't let yourself feel bad because some random friend of yours had an easy baby and you're having a hard time. Kids are different and it's incredibly unfair how big a delta there is between easy babies and hard babies.

[EDIT: I went back and realized the original ask wasn't just about newborns, but about parenting all different age levels. I'm not sure that changes much of my opinion, but I do think it makes a collaborative project more interesting/useful]

Loads of love and take the time to listen to them when they speak to you even if you don't understand just nod and continue engaging they get used to you paying them attention in this way and eventually you'll understand them.

I think you have it more or less right.

Speak to them. Listen to them. Read to them. Play with them. Don't try to over manage things. Don't over protect them. Let them fail. Let them fall. Don't be too pushy with things you want them to like.

They are not mini you, they are them :)

I'm choosing to ignore your advice on the basis that it's subjective and faddish.

agreed, you should only allow editing by people you know. not random internet strangers

I created it a few days ago, with another name. But I really liked your proposal. Find it here: https://github.com/davidpelayo/awesome-parenting

Feel free to add stuff. Really, I'm just asking this to get different opinions from people worldwide.

+1, this article spells out what I think is a major miss in parenting. I wrote some small thoughts on it here: https://whoami.sh/thought/taking-children-seriously

I don't know if it works for your or not. But, to me, it makes lot of sense to gather as much info as possible so that when I have doubts on doing something, I can query first what info says and maybe the decision-making process is better.

Thanks! I understand the potential conflicts on different approaches at so many different discussions.

However, as you've mentioned, it would be awesome to have a resource putting different opinions together.

As per in one of the comments below suggested, I've created this repo: https://github.com/davidpelayo/awesome-parenting so I'll be tracking all the info posted here and others findings.

Thanks for reading.

I was going to mention this as well. I don't know about "good" but it's definitely collaboratively built.

Of course we can. But maybe it's not bad to have extra resources, books, opinions, techniques and methodologies you might want to look at to reflect on whether your common sense makes actual sense or not? I think it's healthy to be open to listen other opinions and evaluate your owns.

Thanks for the info!

> as long as you meet a pretty low bar for decent parenting ... the impact of your parenting on your kids' lives is minimal at best

That's assuming an upbringing in regular society, though, yes? I'm curious whether there'd be much larger effect-sizes on these interventions for children who are brought up in isolation, knowing only their families (e.g. this girl: https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/invisible-girl/).

If that's true—if there is a larger effect-size—then it suggests that "the real problem" isn't so much that nothing works, as that your society has a much larger effect in shaping you (toward the mean, usually) than your parents could ever have; and that, perhaps, part of the plan for raising children well should be to immigrate to a country with the sort of culture that you would want to rub off on them. Or, at least, emigrate away from your own country—to anywhere else—if you severely disagree with your culture's beliefs, because your kids are likely to pick up some of those beliefs no matter what you do.

And if a larger effect-size isn't there, then it would suggest everything about people is a lot more genetically determined than we think, and that you should translate any impulse you have to raise kids to be a certain way, into an impulse to select mates with good genes (and maybe to adopt if your own genes won't produce the kids you want.)

There's a difference between trying to influence how your kids turn out (for some value of “turn out”), and approaching your parenting in a way that facilitates the ease of your ongoing personal relationship with them. Your choices and actions as a parent may not be able to make them smarter than they are naturally inclined, but you can make your own relationship with them better or worse based on your choices.

But yeah, not worrying overmuch about the outcomes does allow parents to enjoy the ride and help their kids feel the love, attention, and structure that facilitates them growing into themselves.

Wouldn’t tiger moms be a counterpoint to that thesis though? They obviously have a huge impact on their children’s lives.

I would strongly suggest you don't read a parenting book by an economist. Read one by a developmental psychologist or a pediatrician, who is an actual academic expert in this area.

Also, you probably don't need books. Be an attentive parent and get to know your child. They are a person. Invest a lot of time in finding a good pediatrician, and listen to them, too.

Counterexamples: Polgár Sisters. And basically all professional athletes, which typically start at a very young age, presumably with a parent's support (or pressure).

Treating interactions with your child like it's they're a problem to solve means you're treating them like a pet, and I have real issues with that.

"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. And Listen So Kids Will Talk" is a fantastic book. It's clearly (and compassionately) written and has cartoons which depict exchanges between parent and child.

i used to listen to my parents otherwise there would have been hell to pay. :D

This is the comment I came to write.

I’m a father of a newborn. And I agree with people who say that universal advice doesn’t work. You find what works for you, and as long as it’s safe you roll with it.

I also agree that generalized non studied consensus is not useful if you want at the truth. It’s a fallacy: just because many people believe it, doesn’t make it true.

Besides, advice from non parents/people without skin in the game is “taken under advisement”. Unless you’re there all night dealing with baby, your sleep advice can suck it.

Totally agree, a fantastic book.

Its like gardening - the best thing for a garden is the gardener's shadow. Same thing with kids. Spend time with them, and be deliberate in what you talk about.

> into the sort of people you'd like your kids to be would be the best way to go

If only things were that simple. All children are different, what works well with one is a complete disaster with another.

Ultimately, I think you just have to wing it and do the best you can. You'll get it wrong most of the time and get it right not enough. But there you go. Best advice I have read is the poem:

This Be The Verse

By Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself.

You know, before I had a child, I would upvoted this and likely written a comment about how much your opinion matches mine. But, now I have a two year old and, let me tell you, these little people develop strong personalities at a young age.

My Mom and Dad were great parents, but I have to raise Lauren differently. It isn't that my Mom and Dad raised my sister and I wrong, it's just that my sister and I were our own little people with our own personalities.

If you ever want a wonderful guide to this (in real time), you should come experience bath time at the Hluska household. It's something else...