I understand that they are proposing it more as a general exercise, but I'm pretty sure that failing to have a conversation with every person who asks me for money on the street isn't actually making my life boring. Also, I can't imagine anyone actually saying the words, “I am determined to make new friends tonight and I bet you are just the kind of people who make good friends.”
And then it goes on "so ignore your fear and do it anyway", which is terrible advice. Really really terrible.
It's like telling you that when you are driving and a warning light appears on the dashboard trying to tell you something, ignore it and push on forwards anyway - wouldn't want to be a weak, boring driver, would you?
What do you mean 'just' a subjective state of mind? Fear indicates a fact - you have learned a reason to be afraid in situation X.
"Situation X makes me afraid" is a repeatable, testable statement. It's not coming from my consciousness so it is plenty objective enough. You don't feel it, but what difference does that make?
If ignoring it worked, if "just do it" was good advice it would be so obvious, such common advice that such a blog post would not be necessary. If just ignoring fear worked, fear wouldn't have any power over any of us in the first place.
Jesus, it's not like the article suggests jumping off a bridge.It just says that in certain cases, we have irrational fears that can safely be ignored.
This works really well at networking events. Most people at networking events 1) feel like the reason they went there is to meet new people and 2) are still too shy to actually meet new people. Walking up to them and saying this provides a solution to both problems.
I've done it. When you walk up and say something -- anything -- to someone, they are generally focused less on the words than the the body language of the approacher.
But it's up to you. You can say whatever you want as long as it's non-threatening.
The fear is there for a reason: humans naturally avoid social interaction where there's a heightened risk of creating a bad impression (or a reduced likelihood of a positive outcome). Respect for others' personal space counts too - the complete stranger whose conversation you're considering politely butting into has "micro-fears" of their own too and the last thing you want is to be the person that _created_ awkwardness. I'm much more likely to strike up conversation with the person I catch glancing at me and shyly looking away than the person staring at me.
There's a fine line between always trying to engage people and being the loud, irritating guy with no social graces. Going to a networking event and failing to network is too far one side of the line; going to a networking event and trying to start conversation with a nails-down-the-blackboard-awful opening line is too far the other.
> Look the homeless guy in the eye, tell him you can’t give him money (or maybe you can – your choice), but ask him his name
I tried something like this, and it just seemed to piss homeless people off most of the time. It's like, if you build a personal connection, then they really expect you to give them something.
I believe in giving money to responsible charities rather than to individuals, but I thought it'd be cool to treat homeless people with some respect and humanity. Unfortunately, trying to do that without giving change/food/whatever seemed to produce an undesirable reaction for all parties involved.
I don't care what they are looking for. I treat them courteously as long as they treat me courteously. I've given 20's to people who sang a funny song, however, my usual M.O. is this:
"Spare some change?"
"No"
"<insert whatever way they want to ask for change again>"
"No, Fuck Off!"
In life you have one chance to make your pitch, make it count.
I don't say sorry that I don't have money for them because I'm not sorry about it. I also listen when they have their long story, I also listen well enough and remember faces well enough that often I can recite the rest of their scam story that always stays the same and never changes because they are not participating in the improvement of their condition. Apparently, someone has been needing change to go to an interview with IntraWest for over 12 months (incidentally, the first time he asked me was less than a block from IntraWest's head office).
For example the guy I gave a 20 to for singing a funny song, I saw him a few months ago and he let me know that he had found a place and was starting to record, he was still begging for change, and I said 'i think i did my part when i gave you a 20', i gave him a smoke, he agreed and moved on, but it was nice to see that in some way he had taken it upon himself to improve.
Tap the line cutter on the shoulder and smile while you say “sorry, you may not have noticed, but the line starts over there.”
I do this sometimes with kids who play music on the tram and it is very unpleasant. My monkeybrain kicks in and I get a rush of fight hormones, my face gets red and most likely the guy/gals opposite too. The situation never escalates but I feel uncomfortable after that.
I've had this situation escalate to threats of violence. It was exhilarating. I caught some kid tagging the subway.
Turns out he didn't really want to escalate it and ran out the other door. I was pumped the whole day. Vagrants, bums, and the vast majority of people who commit property crime are experts on reading people, and displaying aggressive stances, if you fear them they will smell it. If you stand tall, look them directly in the eyes and adopt an aggressive stance they will be startled to the response and flee. If you're looking down at the ground you are unaware of your tactical situation and are inviting trouble.
If you don't fear them they will run because underneath it all they are generally very weak individuals who thrive off of intimidating the easiest looking target. As Sun Tzu said, "When your hand is weak, make it appear strong" and "When your hand is strong, make it appear weak". Perhaps he was talking about poker, I don't know.
Initially that day I looked like a target in a suit, but as soon as I was willing to see his threat of escalation he reevaluated the situation and left.
The secret reason why your life is boring is you waste time doing useless self-help nonsense misrepresented as a 'game' and posted by the self-promoting SEO consultant who created it.
I think I was somewhat irked when I realized that these were likely to show up on HN every single day, and when I noticed that you're promoting your own site. (every... single... day.)
29 comments
[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 76.8 ms ] threadWe are controlled by fear a lot more than we realise (or at least, that's what i got out of the article).
It's like telling you that when you are driving and a warning light appears on the dashboard trying to tell you something, ignore it and push on forwards anyway - wouldn't want to be a weak, boring driver, would you?
In a social context, the vast majority of "waring lights" are not objective reality. They are just a subjective state of mind.
And BTW I generally ignore my check engine light. ;)
"Situation X makes me afraid" is a repeatable, testable statement. It's not coming from my consciousness so it is plenty objective enough. You don't feel it, but what difference does that make?
If ignoring it worked, if "just do it" was good advice it would be so obvious, such common advice that such a blog post would not be necessary. If just ignoring fear worked, fear wouldn't have any power over any of us in the first place.
But it's up to you. You can say whatever you want as long as it's non-threatening.
There's a fine line between always trying to engage people and being the loud, irritating guy with no social graces. Going to a networking event and failing to network is too far one side of the line; going to a networking event and trying to start conversation with a nails-down-the-blackboard-awful opening line is too far the other.
I tried something like this, and it just seemed to piss homeless people off most of the time. It's like, if you build a personal connection, then they really expect you to give them something.
I believe in giving money to responsible charities rather than to individuals, but I thought it'd be cool to treat homeless people with some respect and humanity. Unfortunately, trying to do that without giving change/food/whatever seemed to produce an undesirable reaction for all parties involved.
"Spare some change?"
"No"
"<insert whatever way they want to ask for change again>"
"No, Fuck Off!"
In life you have one chance to make your pitch, make it count.
I don't say sorry that I don't have money for them because I'm not sorry about it. I also listen when they have their long story, I also listen well enough and remember faces well enough that often I can recite the rest of their scam story that always stays the same and never changes because they are not participating in the improvement of their condition. Apparently, someone has been needing change to go to an interview with IntraWest for over 12 months (incidentally, the first time he asked me was less than a block from IntraWest's head office).
For example the guy I gave a 20 to for singing a funny song, I saw him a few months ago and he let me know that he had found a place and was starting to record, he was still begging for change, and I said 'i think i did my part when i gave you a 20', i gave him a smoke, he agreed and moved on, but it was nice to see that in some way he had taken it upon himself to improve.
I do this sometimes with kids who play music on the tram and it is very unpleasant. My monkeybrain kicks in and I get a rush of fight hormones, my face gets red and most likely the guy/gals opposite too. The situation never escalates but I feel uncomfortable after that.
Turns out he didn't really want to escalate it and ran out the other door. I was pumped the whole day. Vagrants, bums, and the vast majority of people who commit property crime are experts on reading people, and displaying aggressive stances, if you fear them they will smell it. If you stand tall, look them directly in the eyes and adopt an aggressive stance they will be startled to the response and flee. If you're looking down at the ground you are unaware of your tactical situation and are inviting trouble.
If you don't fear them they will run because underneath it all they are generally very weak individuals who thrive off of intimidating the easiest looking target. As Sun Tzu said, "When your hand is weak, make it appear strong" and "When your hand is strong, make it appear weak". Perhaps he was talking about poker, I don't know.
Initially that day I looked like a target in a suit, but as soon as I was willing to see his threat of escalation he reevaluated the situation and left.
What's the value behind this that it's actually on HN? (not being a prick, but I honestly didn't see it).
It defines the quality of our life I'd say.
Thanks for your comment. I'll pull the reigns back on the self promotion for awhile.
I think I was somewhat irked when I realized that these were likely to show up on HN every single day, and when I noticed that you're promoting your own site. (every... single... day.)