Thank you HN
I was in a very dark place personally and professionally. I had turned to my family and friends without success, and posted here looking for a moral boost.
I would like to thank all the people that have responded with kindness.
I just wanted to say that your words helped, that I think about this thread often, and that your effort did actually help someone from a tough spot.
Update on my situation:
By the time that I got an offer I could live with, I had sent over 250 applications and done around 20 interviews.
I started with 33k€ a year (translates to a little less than 2000€ per month), now I'm at 38k€.
I rented a place downtown, and started working out (lost 18kg and counting), I'm going to run a marathon in 3 months!!!
Overall, I'm not exactly where I want to be, but -for once- I can see myself getting there.
I'm hopeful for the future, and I would like to thank the many people that helped me to get here.
Just to sum up, be kind when you can, it can change someone's life.
144 comments
[ 3.0 ms ] story [ 253 ms ] threadOP: Nice to hear you're doing better! Well done :-)
I assume you have a top 10% GPA?
I always hear in the bay area you get $150,000 straight out of uni, at least when you're from Stanford etc. Is this not the case anymore?
Edit: Ok, I see you're in France. Then 33k€ is rather reasonable.
There don't really exist exciting software companies in France or Germany, except maybe blockchain companies.
Why would you assume something that is, by definition, not true for 90% of the population?
But unless the job is in Paris (which is extremely expensive) I havent found anything starting close to 40k€
Yes, that's what happens in London however that's not what happens in France. Expect zero increase for the next many years, even if changing company.
It seems people here in other European countries do not work hard due to welfare state.
It used to be so difficult working with my unmotivated European collegues and the quality of average employee is wayy worse, no wonder the salaries are depressed as companies can't seem to get ROI.
But in London there are people much more talented and prepared do anything. The talent quality is wayy better than what i found in other European countries.
That's pretty pedantic and narrow-minded. People are excited by wildly different things (and a for a lot of them, not particularly by blockchain), and France/Germany have a lot of things going on tech-wise,
33k is fairly decent in Paris, with no degree and no experience.
Outside of Paris, it's really good. It's above the average for a top degree in a top school.
One thing to note, education is free in France and the norm is to get a master. You won't get an interview anywhere without a master.
According to you what is a good salaries grid ?
I'm in no position to be giving life advice, but for what it's worth:
Hang in there, do what needs to be done and be pragmatic. One day you'll look back and it will all make sense.
Actually I think the 110% is apropos because, especially early on, you find out you can do so much more than you think is possible.
I likely understand exactly how you feel. If it's anything like how I felt, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I'm really sorry. Just putting myself in your shoes gave me a pit in my stomach - the same pit I walked around with for months. My email is in my profile. Feel free to reach out...
I wish I had something amazing to say that would just turn things around. The best pragmatic advice I have is that newborns are really cheap, and you're pretty lucky to have the opportunity to be with your wife throughout the pregnancy.
And finally, for the love of all that is holy, enjoy sleep while you can get it. Having a baby is kind of like being hungover for a whole year...
Be safe, best of luck and seriously bud, Happy Father's Day!!
If money is way too tight, reach out. I'd kiss you on the lips if you'd take all my baby stuff. :)
Please accept my upvote. You restored my faith in humanity somewhat.
The baby actually helped, because I was so tired from getting up in the night, my brain didn't have as much energy to be depressed or worry about my problems.
I just kept chugging along sending out applications, and it took way longer than I expected but a good job came through.
This is so great, thank you for the lovely sentiment.
Belief in humanity's eternal capacity for self improvement, collectively, individually, and in ones own self lies at the heart of living a good, rewarding, and just life. It's becoming increasingly rare. Good luck to you!
I want to add to this conversation, I found my own personal experience with depression was intertwined with anger and rage. Once I started addressing the anger and rage, my depression was significantly reduced.
People have different ideas of what abuse is; the human mind does not. There are very clear boundaries, which, if crossed, are abuse, and do damage to the recipient that will last their entire life. Whether or not the very same recipient actually views these events as abuse is another matter entirely.
Maybe you weren't abused, maybe you were -- I don't know. I do know that uncovering the why of one's anger gives them a firm, steadfast grip on the how of treating it.
Later some anger management came in. When I felt anger, I would pause, take a breath and assess why I felt wronged in a situation. If the reality check was the other person was crossing one of my boundaries, I would express that boundary and uphold it in as gentle a way as I was able. Which sometimes was pretty brutal, but my intent was always to de-escalate and ask for what I needed without expectation. If the reality check was I had expectations, particularly unreasonable ones, I would just own it, laugh at myself and move on. Maybe share it with some people in my support network.
Later, as naikrovek alluded to in his reply, I started working through childhood trauma issues with a therapist. That's when I got the most relief, though I'm not sure I could have skipped straight to therapy without doing all that other stuff first. Discovering my primary trauma as feelings of being unseen and unheard put things into perspective that made it very manageable. I just make sure I'm being seen and heard, and those skills evolve over time.
When I feel anger and it isn't about any of the above, I take it as a call to action to try to invoke some change. Mostly with myself, though at times I will put ideas out there for other people to contemplate. Acceptance is the key, however I should not accept the unacceptable. If it has to do with others, I invoke a cost benefit analysis to see if I want to fight, and if so, then I do. If I don't feel the fight is worth it, then I use what I call the short version of The Serenity Prayer, which is "Fuck it". I can't say I let it go, but I leave it alone. If it comes up in a recurring resentment kind of pattern, I just remind myself I'm leaving it alone. That gets a lot easier with time.
Perhaps I'm oversharing for a forum such as this. I hope it is helpful in some way; we all have our own journeys. Maybe none of this applies to you. I feel the key things are, be honest with yourself about how well your choices and strategies are working for you, and make sure you have some support. Some real people who really care enough to listen to you and help you without judgment. And most importantly, people who will tell you the truth no matter how painful it may be to you.
For me, it is not easy. How do you manage to pause at first place?
The gap widened over time. This is really a process of the heart/spirit/inner goodness, there isn’t any way to think your way through it. It’s about making the commitment to address the behavior, practice and self honesty.
All that said, and all my years of practice, I can still be quick to anger especially in the case of those I have judged to be morons (there's "my" rules coming into play again). But it is nowhere near the same level as what was making me depressed some time ago. And that’s the key point I’m trying to make through my comments here. Look to addressing your inner anger if you’re depressed. Especially when angry with yourself. I want to be really clear I have anger in my life. I do my best to channel it constructively, but I’m no floating in the clouds guru spreading love and unicorn farts across the galaxy. I’ve just found some ways to deal with it and experience some benefit as a result.
Something that has been somewhat helpful to me is a meditation method called mental noting. Please note no method will work for everyone but in case it's useful to you, here goes.
Basically, my version, please do search for more qualified people's version of mental noting on the internet:
1) Rest attention on my breathing
2) Notice (I don't always notice, I don't often notice, but sometimes I do) that I'm distracted
3) Note and label the distraction (mentally say "I'm thinking" or "I'm itching" or "I'm worrying" or "I'm replaying conversation" etc)
4) Thank the distraction for allowing me to flex the mental "noticing muscle"
4.5) Remind myself not to beat myself up about how long I was distracted, haha
5) GOTO 1
This practice has helped me in slowly building up a mental observer that can pause from time to time. But, as I said, I still struggle with the pause.
Congratulations, and I wish you all the best, and that you may serve as an inspiration to others.
What a fucked up assumption. Pay for skilled jobs is way higher in the US than almost anywhere else apart from maybe Switzerland or Norway, but quality of life is way more complicated than that.
Not least because of the decent healthcare, paid time off, and social protections in France.
Having worked in the us for a bit over 6 years full time, I am ready to retire in my home country. I just don't want to, i will probably die in the states - that's where home is now.
But that's not even what I mean. Life in United States is really good - especially if you are healthy. Plenty of outdoors activities. People love their outdoors - they invented even more exciting sports to take advantage of it. A really good food scene (due to its diverse culture - you can find great indian, chinese, japanese, italian etc food).
As you said, healthcare and social net is lacking, but you make good money to make up for it.
Congratulations, I was gonna run one at the end of October. But because of exams I really cannot work out 3x a week so I cannot keep my pace up. I had also broken my toe so I was out for a long while. Can still do 10ks though. Good luck with the marathon!
I personally find the HN community both inspiring and incredibly generous at times. I am glad to consider myself an unimportant part of it.
> Overall, I'm not exactly where I want to be
Imagine having lost a family member and hearing from someone, "well, everyone loses things". There's orders of magnitude difference.
I just know from experience that when I've been depressed, the level of futility I have felt about any dissatisfaction in my life was so much worse than when I've been mentally healthy. I'm really thankful for more than a decade free of that level depression.
As an alternative, I suggest simply sticking to statements that are affirming of how they have described themselves feeling.
I can't emphasize enough how much this helps. If anyone is suffering from depressions, anxiety and overthinking -- consider starting working out. It will make wonders to your mood. I'm not saying that it will fix your suffering entirely, because it typically requires a mental effort as well. But it will make your life noticeably more enjoyable.
If I find some time in a day to practice, it changes my mood a lot!
"Work out."
Richard Branson's Secret to Being More Productive, in Just 2 Words:
https://www.inc.com/julian-hayes-ii/richard-bransons-secret-...
Agreed, but recently I've started mindfulness and this also helps with these symptoms.
I don't think they'll fix whatever underlying cause may be there, but they may help to put you in a position where you can.
We know that exercise has minimal benefits as a treatment for depression.
We should be pushing people towards evidence based treatments, not suggesting they spend considerabe effort doing something that probably won't work, and will increase their negative feelings when they fail.