Ask HN: I'm 40 this year, and have depression. Any words of wisdom?
I'm 40 this year and as a milestone birthday it has me ruminating on how to steer my life in the coming few years. At 20, I was a technical support manager with 20+ staff. At 25, I was travelling the world as a technical trainer and event speaker. At 30, I was self-employed with a good income from podcasting. At 35, I was divorced and had to start from scratch. For nearly 5 years, things in my life have been a lot harder to do achieve than they should be. At 40, I'm at a crossroads with a metaphorical blank canvas. I want to be more content with life at 45, 50 and 60.
My job (technical consultant, proactive and reactive) keeps the roof over my head, but I'm not jumping out of bed in the morning to do it. My motivation is at an ebb. I don't exercise enough, but I'm starting over with that. I've started intermittent fasting for mental clarity and that seems to be helping -- and this Ask HN post wouldn't have happened without it.
I have anhedonia, but I've accepted that when I find something fun that'll go away. It's a symptom of the low-level depression that comes and goes, and the best medicine I've found for me is fresh air and exercise. This should not be considered a cry for help, it's something I have a rational control of, most of the time.
And so, I Ask HN: I'm 40 this year, and mentally damaged -- any words of wisdom?
Thanks very much for reading.
106 comments
[ 5.0 ms ] story [ 169 ms ] threadCould you replicate similar in a 5 and 10 year plan?
Id really suggest finding someone. Dont go for fancy titles, just look around your area and start coming up with some criteria. Would you feel more comfortable with a male or female? Phd and brainey or soul searching? Meet with 5 people. They should all offer free 30min sessions for you to at least see if you’ll click
Go with your instincts and trust them.
And please, keep up with the exercise.
I've had better luck with finding people where you work on your own thing, but at the same time/location, and sometimes bounce some ideas their direction to get their thoughts on things.
OP is probably old enough now to accept that everyone eventually dies and becomes forgotten, and it's best to do things for yourself in the present, instead of fueling some invented myth of your own future importance. "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair."
Your brain is just dumping different quantities of different chemicals all over itself, and it's making you think you've gone crazy, just because it's different from what you remember from when you were younger. Well, you haven't gone crazy. The same thing happens to a lot of people. You get to a certain age, and your kids become more independent, your parents die, your pets die, your career hits a plateau, and maybe your spouse has some of the same stresses and blames you in some way for them, and that becomes yet another stress. Exercise and diet help balance your brain chemicals, but then again so do prescription drugs, herbal remedies, and recreational drugs. Some people resort to religion or psychedelics or both. Some people start a second batch of kids or adopt or get several cats. Some start to write books or music, or create visual art. Some splurge on luxury goods. There are a lot of ways to try to get back to feeling "normal" again; some actually work, and some are just placebo.
Ultimately, the common factor is that all these people realize that they are mortal, and their time is running out at the rate of one day of life per day on the calendar. They're afraid they're wasting it. But no matter what you do, you're going to die, and then everyone who cared about you or hated you will also die, and it may well be that your greatest accomplishment will be to spend your entire lifetime just propping up a trade economy with tasks that have little meaning when considered individually. But maybe you and the 7 billion other people also doing existentially meaningless grunt work manage to support themselves for species survival, and also collectively put together a colonization mission somewhere other than Earth, and you contributed more than a 7-billionth share of that accomplishment. Hooray for humanity; hooray for you!
If you can't find meaning in your life, just make one up. If it's a bad one, it will be forgotten; if it's a good one, it too will be forgotten. Your memory might last 2 years, or 2000 years, but it won't be you--you will be dead and gone. The important thing is that your chosen meaning motivates you to continue living your life, even when you have become genetically useless to the species and so many of your former peers seem to have gained more social status than you in the same amount of time. You don't need to be great and influential. Just being is enough, and you can be whatever you want to be, instead of someone else's child, or someone else's parent, or someone else's spouse, or someone else's employee.
You're in the prime of your life. You're at a stage where you have skills and experience to do lots of things and make decent money. Your job may be boring as hell, but view your job as a tool. It something that gives you the means to do what you want.
That is the hard part, figuring out what you want. Ultimately contentment comes from within but it's easier to have with the correct external forces supporting you. Things at this point in your life should be easier to achieve, not because they are in fact easier because often time they are more difficult tasks, but because you have years of experience knowing that you can overcome any obstacle placed in your path.
I'm 45 and can relate to much of what you've said. I wish I had time to write more, but you really are in your prime. Do want you need to do so you can do what you want to do. Those two things should be very balanced at this point in your life, whereas when you're younger you're always doing the needs and you never have time to think about your wants.
I think it's unhelpful to assert things like that when we don't have enough information for making definitive statements. Perhaps they do have some genuine and serious issues? We can't know just from the description given. If they do then acting like they don't isn't very helpful.
Everyone has issues, literally everyone and understanding that it's normal and not what defines you is what's important. This allows you to acknowledge, embrace, and seek help if needed.
You're also assuming that if someone says they are mentally broken they are taking a victim mindset. If someone says they have 20 broken bones and cannot walk is that taking a victim mindset, or might it just be an objectively description independent of their mindset?
Just because everyone has issues does not mean that everyone has the same magnitude of issues. Some people really do have it far worse than others.
I find it amazing the double standards when it comes to physical vs mental problems. No one asserts to a quadriplegic that their physical circumstances are "normal". No one treats a quadriplegic who says they're quadriplegic as, because of saying this, having an attitude problem.
I don't understand what you're saying -- what does the "this" refer to?
I'm also a bit unclear on where your coming from, because my comment about calling someone normal is referring to someone else's statement, not yours.
I can't tell if you're intentionally misunderstanding or if you really don't get the difference. To compare a literal medical condition (20 broken bones) with a non-medical label (mentally damaged) seems as it could be either.
Any perceived double standards on mental vs physical care is only in your head. Proper labeling of any condition for both the doctor and the patient is critical. If you suffer massive trama (such as your broken bones) and allow the label of cripple to define you, that's what you'll be.
It is normal for everyone in life to encounter challenges. Be they physical or mental. To have a view that your physical or mental condition is special or somehow makes you not normal does a great disservice to yourself.
You seem very talented at reading words that do not exist and telling people they assume things when most everything you've written is an assumption. It may be time to look up "objective" vs "subjective".
It's not helpful to the discussion to put words in people's mouth.
You don't seem to understand that someone can actually be in a severely bad mental state (as if a label being "non-medical" somehow means such a state cannot exist). You are assuming that no claims of such can be objectively accurate -- that they can only be allowing oneself to be defined in a certain way, and can only be expressions of mindset or attitude.
For clarity, and for my own benefit of writing it down -- I don't have a victim mentality, at least there's no perception of one. I'm certainly not out to blame anyone or create drama.
The background anhedonia/depression has normalised it, certainly -- my circle of friends is small and carefully selected, so I don't have many yardsticks to measure against -- but I like to think I'm glass half-full, most of the time.
My assertion of mental damage is was perhaps badly phrased. Yes, it's a sliding scale, and the more people I meet, the more I understand most people have their demons…some will admit to them, others won't. Not wanting to backpedal, but my choice of words wasn't ideal
Also, I noticed someone (not me) had changed the title to "[…] and have anhedonia.", and currently it's "[…] and have depression." I'm fine with either, both or all three, but clearly I've tripped a filter and someone's had to step in.
Semantics aside, I really appreciate your reply - thank you very much.
Peace and love on your journey. JTR
It's only a milestone if you make it a milestone. You don't have to participate in these made up events if you don't want to.
I'd recommend the book "a guide to the good life" by William Irvine. It may help you transform your "anhedonia" from something negative to something positive.
If you want, could you elaborate on the 'mental damage' you mention?
I think answers to questions like these would help people provide advice.
Also, you need to start exercising - it is the only thing for me personally that will keep "the darkness" at bay. The research and neurobiology behind exercise being an effective modulator of mood is all solid.
Further, I recommend you listen to Jocko Podcast [1] - by Jocko Willink, a retired Navy SEAL commander, he does some great interviews with guys like Col. Bill Reeder, who spent several years in a POW camp.
Think about guys like John Mccain, who spent 6 years being tortured, neglected and beaten day in and day out -- and it really starts to put things in perspective, because he put ALL of that trauma aside and went on to lead a fairly remarkable career, and raise a family etc.
1 - http://jockopodcast.com/2017/02/22/63-through-the-valley-my-...
http://www.unz.com/runz/american-pravda-when-tokyo-rose-ran-...
Check out their stories on the podcast:
Charlie plumb: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XgwpDnalZE
Bill reeder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHIxtd-oYTs
“Work to live, not live to work”
For me, seeing my children grown in love provides me with the most contentment I've ever had.
Write a list of what you are thankful for.
Repeat often - at least weekly, best daily.
Compare this with a friend who (late 30s) complains about being lonely but won't ask a woman out that he likes. It hits a point where you need to just dive in and face everything. But, by the way you wrote your post here, it seems like you are doing that. Keep going, you won't feel better until you make a breakthrough, but you won't make a breakthrough if you give up.
Just trust that steady forward progress makes results. I hope you do well. I think many of us techies had rousing younger years and some have a harder time adjusting to slowing down or changing our perspective when life slows down around us.
When I think 'mentally damaged' im picturing someone who sticks their hand in a running engine to 'feel if the belts are moving ok.' You're doing pretty good from what I can tell, but ever since I started checking out HN ive seen quite a few people in tech that feel the same way you do.
Is it offices that do this? nobody I know in my office ever seems really happy in the morning. seems like sitting around all day staring at a computer might start to eat away at a mans soul.
If money isnt an issue, I'd suggest spending time learning a trade as a hobby or maybe more. maybe pick up a shift changing oil at a local shop, and see how that grabs you. Im not saying its the easiest thing in the world, but the job is pretty social and even though your shoulders and arms ache after the first day, you never feel like you arent doing something useful.