Ask HN: Anyone else in constant anxiety and how do you cope?

I swim in cold water, every day if possible and ideally before work in the morning. This has been a game changer in terms of reducing anxiety, being much better able to cope with difficulties and frankly, making me into a much happier and healthier version of myself. So much so that if I don't get in the cold water for a day or two then I just feel like .. bleurgh. If you've read "Flowers for Algernon" and recall towards the end where (spoiler alert) the main character has come off the drug that makes him much more intelligent and crucially - he can't remember what it was that had happened to him, just that he had a sense of loss from no longer having some <very very good> - that's what this is like. Can't recommend enough. I also use running for the same purpose, but cold water swimming in just a couple of minutes provides a tremendous dose of <good things.> Also it seems to stop me catching colds.

> Edit: so incompetent I don’t know how to create a bullet list here

HN has nothing for that. Use multiple newlines like so:

- bla

- foo

I still get anxious sometimes, and the thing that helped most, back when I had to stop going to university because of anxiety, was therapy.

And what I got out of therapy was techniques to kind of step back when I feel anxious, and to realize that the problems I have cannot be solved now, when I am lying in bed at 3am. That every step towards a goal is progress, and that I wont die and lose everything because of one day where things don't go how I hoped. Anxiety makes all problems immediate and life destroying. Most problems aren't.

But, that recognition isn't always there for me. What made it mostly there for me was therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or other treatment modalities) and, maybe, medication! This sounds like the desperation of anxiety and depression. But there is hope! Untreated, it can be a killer, so remember 1-800-273-TALK for moments of crisis.

I feel exactly the same. Exercise helps. Psychologist helps a bit. Medication helps too. Talk to people. You might find that more people than you think feel similar.

1) Religiously exercise every single day ideally in the morning as it will set the tone for the rest of the day.

2) Make your diet clean and light. No soft drinks. No heavy carbs. Plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables etc.

3) Stop worrying about accomplishing anything. The point of life is to be happy and enjoy the journey not be in some race with others.

4) If you give up after a few days then just pick smaller things you can compete faster. And iterate between lots of different things to help reduce the chance of boredom.

5) If after all of that you still feel anxious then see a professional. Not just about medication but also how to program yourself to fall into less anxious patterns.

I read a lot of self damage in your message. I have similar issues. I don’t have advice, but try to not say such damaging things about yourself. Also maybe smoke some weed.

First off, its probably a toxic work environment, and second, you're at a stage where the walls are closing in so it feels worse than it is. Programming is inherently a creative art with a core of logic and reason. For example, you can solve your business case by writing shell scripts instead of Java. By toxic environment, I mean that there are things at work that contribute, such as the way your coworkers talk to you. One such example is that there is one guy who is the go-to guy for all problems relating to X, and he solves this while telling everyone all about it, all the time. This makes it seem like he is the only one who can do it properly, which is of course never true.

Your financial security is just a product of the times. It used to be you could have a house, a lawn, a car and leftover savings just from working in a factory. Now, you are saddled with an unpayable house-loan even with higher education unless you somehow manage to find a remote job, or you win the startup lottery.

Last, anxiety can form bad feedback loops, where the lack of sleep means you are simply not able to do anything during the day. It can also cause other surprising problems, even wrist pains and RSI, simply because the anxiety causes your body to tense up.

I think you, first of all, need to find a way to let go of the feeling that your job performance has any bearing on your worth as a human being. It really doesn't.

You're not alone

For me, daily meditation has helped reduce my anxiety and has made me generally a more happier person. A book i recommend is The Mind Illuminated. It’s a step by step guide into meditation.

I've struggled with a similar situation - anxiety stemming from childhood trauma - for a long time. The things that help me the most are:

1. Basic self care: get enough sleep (~8 hours a night), eat plenty of healthy food and cut out as much junk food as possible, and make time for doing something you enjoy each day, even if it's only for 20-30 minutes.

2. Therapy: Either straightforward counseling or something more involved like EMDR or neurofeedback brain training. I can recommend the latter. It has truly changed my life.

3. Spend time with people you love and who love you. Self care and healing would have never been remotely possible or effective for me if I didn't have solid friendships with a few people who truly cared for my best interest and a good relationship with my kids and spouse.

*EDIT: I forgot to add, look into taking medication. I take a small dose of Lexapro daily and it has made a huge difference.

In order to heal and improve your situation, you MUST make time for these things. Don't try to add them on to whatever your day to day already looks like. Cut out other stuff as much as possible and increase the amount of time you spend on 1-3. Be forgiving and kind to yourself with this part, but do be as ruthless as possible with making time for 1-3.

In my experience, taking care of self and being involved in healthy friendships and family relationships creates a situation where the confidence and will to make changes to things like your job becomes possible.

I worked in gambling for the start of my career too. It’s a toxic atmosphere at absolutely every level. They generally run on a principle of assuming IT is worthless to the company and just a money dumpster fire. The way they treat you has no reflection on your ability. At times, just the weather alone dictates the mood of management. Others, management is actively alcoholic, on the job!

I’d do everything and anything that could make your life more stable. The biggest, positive place to start is, and this can take a lot of work, sleep. Make proper sleep your first priority every day. There’s a whole lot that can make sleep better or worse, so there’s no way for me to be complete. But maybe consider going for a walk, writing in a journal, and consistent, exactly on the same time every day melatonin slow release - and low dose.

Read Mark Fisher

Most of us have anxiety and/or depressed mood nowadays. Have you read Capitalist Realism? It provides a coherent explanation of what is going on.

There are no good recipes for getting out of this state of mind (because you can't escape from reality). You may heal the symptoms by exercising, meditating and taking medications.

To cure the cause though would require significantly changing your attitude and reconciling your goals in life.

E.g.:

- work is just work; it's neither a way of expressing yourself, nor should it be used to measure your success in life

- maintain and nurture close relationships with your family and friends; establish relationships based on shared interests and fun, rather than on economical utility

- be political, engage in local and global communities; politics underlies everything and gives people a higher purpose in life, but somehow we all have been deprived of it in XX century; seek leaders and inspirations and try to become one yourself (e.g. in a local community)

not constant, but I do suffer from some anxiety. First, it might be useful for you to look for professional help.

Then, some things that were helpful for me, and may be helpful for you, ymmv:

- check your health: maybe you suffer from physical issues, such as high blood pressure, and you can help it with pills, which will help with anxiety.

- drop coffee and sigarettes, reduce alcool, eat more vegetables and fruit; it's weird, but it helps.

- physical activity; I spend 1-2 hours every morning a day walking (or running), it's good for both body and mind.

- daily meditation; get a test account on headspace, try it for a week.

- face anxiety-inducing things ASAP; E.g. if you are stressed cause you wrote shitty code, just tell your boss/colleagues immediately; if you fucked up something with your partner, tell them etc. Once bad things happened, you will stop worrying about what might happen.

- "hedge" your anxiety-inducing problems; if you are worried about your family surviving without you, set up life insurance. If you feel incompetente and unable to find another job, spend some time studying something new, and try applying for another position, even if you don't want to take it, you may be able to find something else, or learn what's missing.

Good luck, anxiety sucks.

I would start meditating, it will help you on being able to identify and intervene on repetitive, negative thought patterns (rumination).

Give yourself 10 minutes everyday to train your mind. I use the app Waking up.

Release anxiety through some physical exercise several days per week, ideally something you enjoy.

Every day, build some grit by doing something difficult - the fact that you’ve done it, and continue to do it, will become a foundation for overcoming resistance. I like to take a cold shower every morning, which seems silly until you step up to the faucet and have to pony up and actually do it.

Read books, so few people read anymore, those who do are able to absorb the distilled wisdom of many lifetimes.

Lastly, you are not alone, I don’t know how to create a bullet list here either. You are also not alone in your struggles, we are all human and suffer in our ways. Good luck.

I feel your pain. My advice would be to consult a professional. There is nothing wrong in medication and therapy. It helps many people. And then, like others mentioned, go for exercise and meditation. CBT/REBT also help. Idea is the to address immediate panic and anxiety by Medication and treating long term with meditation and therapy. More than curing the condition, you would need to manage it.

It's hard but possible. You can be in a very different state of the mind within 6 months. So do not lose hope. DM me if you need further info. Good luck!

Good tips here already. I personally found value in reading stoic philosophy, but that's not for everyone.

>feeling of incompetence at work

Read up on impostor syndrome. Being aware of this helps counter it.

I also think it (mental issues) is more common than people realise. A shocking number of my friends are on psych meds of some sort. Almost like it's a wider society issue. So I think a strong case can be made for "don't beat yourself up about it" - plus that wouldn't help anyway.

If you want a real change - search for something called Inner Engineering. For 2 years since I've done it, I never had a single bad day. Apart from it bliss and extasy became real experiences I now get once in a while.

I'm sorry to read this.

I hope you have at this point enough insight to recognize that logically you are more capable that how you feel about yourself. Therefore, it is a matter of making sense of that feeling of anxiety that you should be addressing.

If you speak to the right physician you'll probably be diagnosed with ADHD, and it is driving a large part of your anxiety.

You should be careful about strengthening your ability to become more anxious. After all, any neural pathways exercised become stronger with time. Give yourself some quiet time each day where you get to ignore any anxious thoughts that arise. They are junk thoughts at this stage, you can safely ignore them.

If you need any more motivation, please recognize your family suffers when you cultivate thoughts like this. Find counter examples and keep reminding yourself of them.

Some advice coming from someone who dealt – and is still often dealing – with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

The very first thing you have to understand is that your perception is biased by your mental issues, is your feeling of incompetence backed by any facts? Is your boss continually complaining about your performance? And even if your performances are as bad as you think they are, I wouldn't be surprised since you seem to hate every moment of your life.

From how you described yourself, I don't see a loser, I see a 43 years old man who's going through a lot of sacrifices to provide for his family, I'd call that courage. I don't see a loser, I see someone with a serious case of depression, everything you described ticks all the boxes.

There is no magic pill to get you out of that, and coping mechanisms only goes so far. You need therapy, plain and simple, and, if possible, time off your job.

Start doing things you enjoy, don't code because you have too, maybe you're at a time in your life where code isn't what you want to do anymore, and that's fine, no shame in that, or maybe you just need a little time off. Many men completely turn their lives around in their 40s, it's not too late, but you have to take risks, you have to try new things, physical activity such as weightlifting is usually great because it'll raise your testosterone levels, but you can also start things you never thought you'd want to try: music, dance, writing, astrophotography, bird watching, anything.

Just remember this: your thoughts are not logical, it's not your analytic brain that's telling you you're worthless, it's depression, and pardon my French by depression is a bitch, it's that asshole of a friend, always in your head telling you just how much of a failure you are even when it's untrue.

Don't isolate yourself from people who care, there are more than you think and they need to know what you're going through. Seek medical help, and take it easy, friend.

"It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day —that’s the hard part. But it does get easier."

There is a menu of coping mechanisms. The ones that build the soul are optimal.

Connectedness with a spiritual community is a source of energy.

Striving not to get too "believe after me" here, but how you answer the "Why am I here?" question is crucial.

Please consider making time for therapy. See a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavior therapy. Finding a doctor takes work and then dedicating time to see one takes even more so. However, this is the kind of effort that really pays off! Don't do nothing about how you feel. No one on HN can replace the sessions you'll have with a licensed therapist.

Therapy, regular workouts (5/week), regular meditation

Sleep, friends, meditation (this requires serious practice, not dabling) , nutriment supplementation (a LOT of it), cut down on sugar, weight lifting, intermitent fasting, psychotropic microdosing.

That's a ton, so I wouldn't start with more than one, preferably the easiest, then increment. They support each otber because constant anxiety for me is just the symptom that everything is going to crap.

Meditation has the strongest reward, but also the highest cost. Psycheselic have the best cost/reward ratio but may hide other problems: once you feel great, you may stop working on it.

Food, friends and sleep are hard, because they affect your life so much and requires motivation.

Supplements require no motivation, little effort to take and have a huge impact... But require a lot of reading, trials and errors et money.

Neverthless, I wish I knew all that 15 years ago. It would have saved me so much trouble, and actually work on the root problem, as anxiety is just one of the many small tip of a huge and deep iceberg.