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Ask HN: What's in a name?... or in a tag line?...

2 points by ayusaf ↗ HN
Hi, I'm about to embark on a new startup (which is a pivoted idea from a previous startup) called Smug Owl and I want to get the messaging and tone right of the couple of lines of copy that we put on the 'register your interest' page. This copy intentionally doesn't go into too much detail but it should give people coming to the site enough of an idea to register their interest.

Rather than tell you what the startup is I thought I would put the 2 options I have come up with for the mentioned copy.

I would love it if you could help me out by telling me: 1. What do you think my startup is, based on this copy? 2. Would you sign up? (why or why not?)

Any thoughts welcome. You can be constructively cruel if you like. Thanks in advance :) BTW, this is in the style of a dictionary definition.

Option 1: Smug Owl [smuhg oul] - Great, recommended audio for the urban commuter

- noun 1 . Busy commuter who conveniently enjoys audio recommendations hand picked by well informed guides.

Option 2: Smug Owl [smuhg oul] - Great, recommended audio for the urban commuter

- noun 1 . Busy commuter who conveniently enjoys periodical audio recommendations selected by knowledgable curators.

7 comments

[ 1.8 ms ] story [ 28.8 ms ] thread
user24
"periodical" is a word used by people trying to get you to sign up to their spammy newsletter.

Other than that, both options are about the same aren't they? You're doing curated music recommendation.

This is a minute detail, why are you worrying about it?

ayusaf
Hi, thanks for the feedback. I like the simpler re-structured sentence you've suggested.

I'm not offended about the non-native comment - I presume you are trying to say that some of the copy sounds like it's been written by someone who speaks english as a second language? This is interesting because it has been worked on by 3 native english speakers (one of them is also an english lit. graduate!). Maybe the problem is actually the fact that three people are working on this copy and another problem being that we are all very close to the product.

We would like to say more about the type of content - it's not music, so the fact that you think it is, is not good. It's all spoken word programmes (audio documentaries, interviews, discussions, stories etc.). Does 'spoken word programmes' sound like a good way to explain this type of content?

I also agree about the periodical comment. The fact that we will be pushing you content on a periodical basis is more of a detail for later explanation. Maybe the word 'regular' sounds better than 'periodical'.

ayusaf
Oops, I forgot to ask where are you based? We are in the UK and I though it may be relevant to your non-native comment. We definitely want something which is universally appealing and understood.
ayusaf
The dictionary definition format combined with a tag line is confusing indeed. I've dropped the tag line and it looks clearer on the page.
DanielStraight
I'm from the US. It's not that I found the definition incomprehensible. It just didn't sound like something anyone would actually say.

The problem with using the term "spoken word" to describe what you are offering is that it already has a separate meaning. Spoken word is a particular type of performance art. See Wikipedia. Honestly, the best thing may be to just list the type of content you are offering: "... who enjoy hand-picked audio documentaries, interviews, discussions, stories and more." I'm not sure there is a good term for the collection of those things.

DanielStraight
Briefly. I like the name. The format of the copy is confusing. The text sounds slightly off.

In a little more detail. On format, why is there a tagline in the middle of a dictionary definition? I can see using a dictionary definition format and I can see using a name and tagline format, but I can't see mixing the two. At first, I started reading it as a name and tagline and wondered why there was a pronunciation guide in the name. Then I realize it was a definition and was confused as to what "great, recommended audio for the urban commuter" had to do with the definition. I would drop the tagline altogether unless the design of the page somehow makes it obvious that the tagline and definition are completely separate entities.

On the text, please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds somewhat non-native. I don't think I have ever heard anyone describe something as "great, recommended." In fact, if you Google "great recommended" in quotes, most of the results are clearly poorly written (like "what some great recommended psp games"). I feel the same way about "conveniently enjoys", which only has 247 results on Google when quoted, including this page.

A little restructuring of the text might make it read a little more smoothly as well. Perhaps, "Busy commuter who enjoys hand-picked audio recommendations from well-informed guides."

Finally, "audio recommendations" is vague. What kind of audio do you mean? Music? Poetry? Speeches? Anything and everything? If this is supposed to be clear, I would make it clear in the copy. If it's supposed to be vague, I guess that's OK too, as long as it's deliberate.