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Ask HN: Does it make you feel down that you are not successful like others?

28 points by xorica ↗ HN
I don't like to admit it but lately I have been struggling with depression, mainly due to seeing how successful my peers have been. Friends and acquaintances who have started out around the same stage 10 years ago, many of them went on to work for winners (Coinbase, Stripe, etc) or invest in the right things (Bitcoin, Ethereum). While I am happy for their hard work paying off, I can't help but examine my own choices. I also have taken many risks in working for several startups and invested in risky venture. None of them have panned out for me. Internally I keep blaming myself for choosing losers, thinking that it's my fault. It's unhealthy. I have tried meditating, focusing on areas that I have success in, such as building my own family, having a good paying job, a house, etc. There are days that I am okay with it. But nowaday I have more days when I feel like a perpetual loser more than anything. I know luck has a lot to do it with. But my inner demon tells me it's own fault that I am not wildly successful or as financially independent as my friends. Wonder if anyone have experienced something like this and how do you process it. Thank you!

35 comments

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billylindeman
I think the best way to handle this is to try to compare yourself to your previous self and make sure that yields a positive direction.

Comparing yourself to more successful people will always feel bad, no matter how successful you are. You could be a billionaire but if you're comparing yourself to Elon or Bezos you'd still feel like you hadn't made it yet.

It's not always easy to do, but being able to measure your own progress will feel good.

TheTester
JP has a quite good advice that adresses this and I think will give you an answer, the name of the video is Elon Musk's roomate and I think it will help you put things into perspective, but yes this is very common specially in our field

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkzZd_tbkFw

Statistically you will h do it keep going on

busymom0
> Perfect illustration of why "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with"

100%.

beforeolives
That's a very extreme example of someone at the top comparing themselves to someone even higher. What if you are neither of those people though? The key there is that Elon's roommate is still incredibly successful at what he does. What if you aren't successful at what you do at all?

If we put aside startups and business success and take a look at software engineers - there is a distribution of success. What if you're at the low end of the distribution and can't move from there? It's cool to hear about working at the big tech companies or the most successful startups, getting multiple competing offers for hundreds of thousands of dollars in compensation, contributing to big and well-known projects etc. But what if that isn't you? What if you aren't even close to being average? What if you went to a bad college, didn't do well, got a job at one of the worst companies on the market (someone did) and now you're stuck doing boring work for a bad manager, you're getting a salary in the bottom 5% of software salaries and you're getting rejected every time you apply for anything better?

Hopefully, there's a better answer to this than just finding someone who is doing even worse than you in another field or somewhere else in the world and comparing yourself to them.

rossdavidh
I try to think of myself as a probability density function. I am, of course, observing myself and my life, causing said PDF to collapse to one outcome, but with equally wise (or unwise) choices, could have turned out in a very different situation. If my choices were clearly bad at the time, of course I need to stop that, but often those who are successful also had a great deal of good luck as well.

https://xkcd.com/1827/

aprdm
Depends in your definition of success. If it's purely monetary and that's what you're looking for then you're likely looking for a disappointment in life. Even if/when rich.

I suggest trying to find a different notion of success and living live without giving so much weight for money. Not that it isn't important and that you shouldn't try to strive for more of course.

I'm particularly in a field that doesn't pay as well as big tech but I'm in my dream job, have very flexible hours, a product I love, a great team, get paid good enough, can enjoy the outdoors and my relationship with others (lover & family & friends).

I wouldn't want to, today, change what I have for more money or a different company. Find what truly moves you, it's usually not money or job hopping every 2 years, or doing leetcode 24x7... at least for me it isn't.

jventura
> Depends in your definition of success.

Yes!

Similarly to the poster (and, I believe, most people out there), I also have to deal with the pressure to try to be "successful", without being able to pass a certain threshold. I guess it's ambition and ambition knows no limits. Or maybe it's fear! Fear sucks as well.

Here's my personal definition of success, for several different areas of life. I use these to make peace with myself:

  - personal level: being alive, having goals, energy and curiosity

  - health: being relatively healthy, not having any disease and not much pain in the body

  - finances: having own house, enough money for down-payments, being able to save more than you spend, having enough for buying spare tools for your job (like a 2nd computer when your main one fails)

  - roots: having good relation with parents, direct family, and carving your own path

  - family: being able to provide for your children, and spend some time with them

  - hobbies and interests: having time for learning, playing, etc.

  - relations: not being too stubborn, and having a pleasant relation with your spouse

  - spirituality/morality: have a framework, a lens for which you see the world (even if you have to adapt it from time to time)

  - career/social position: have a guide-line (a career), such that you can be socially useful, and that you feel you can progress, do what you're capable of, and not aim for more recognition than you deserve, tame ambition

  - friends and allies: help and support other people when possible, be helped by them as well.
When I'm (more) down, I refer to this list. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.. :)
giantg2
I'm more upset about the various things that we were basically lied to about, or things that are contradictory.

Stuff like "you have to go to college to get a good job", when there are many high paying trades that don't require college. Or your employer saying they don't outsource or lay off and then they turn around and do both. Or we believe we have rights under the justice system, but if you are subjected to the system you soon realize that all these people (cop, DA, judge) work together and will cover up for each other's mistakes and misconduct (ie the very people we think protect our rights will violate them as soon as they think you are the 'other side'). The list goes on and on.

There are limits and trade-offs that constrain our lives. The reality of many situations is not what we were socially conditioned to believe. Many of us built dreams on these beliefs only to realize that it they are not possible or highly unlikely. So I guess it's not directly about the money, but money does help immensely with what I so want - freedoms.

endisneigh
Comparison is the thief of joy indeed.
tolbish
Flip it around. How would you feel if someone you know came to you and wanted to know how you became so successful and that they feel inferior in comparison? What tips would you give that person about perspective and what success means to you?

Listen to that advice.

beforeolives
Is the solution really to look for people that are doing worse than so you can feel better?
naveen99
well understanding how things could be worse, but aren’t is a good way to be content. also prepares you to take more risks, what’s the worst that could happen, be prepared and you are ready to take the leap.
newusertoday
if you consider the idea(may be its a lie) that everything is predestined than things are just happening its neither your fault nor anyone else's fault it is what it is, you don't have any control over your past nor do you have any control over your future, you can make effort but results are not upto you. Think about this for sometime see if it makes sense and see if it gets you relief.
Normille
Welcome to my world!

I'm a pretty intelligent and talented at what I do guy. But I've never been able to make a success at anything I've tried. I'm in my mid fifties now and still just scraping by on the poverty line. Meantime I see people earning obscene amounts of money for things like opening boxes on YouTube or selling appallingly shit pixel art on the Blockchain.

I don't [often] get depressed about it. I've come to accept the fact that luck is one virus to which I am completely immune and, if "all the world's a stage" then I've been assigned the part of 'third donkey from the left' rather than one of the starring roles my agent promised me.

Who cares. We'll all be dead in 100 years time anyway. Even Jess Bezos, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerburg et al's billions won't buy their way out of that one!

Or, to put it another way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

sunstone
They will be not only be dead but also forgotten. It amazes me that Howard Hughes, the Elon Musk of his day in the 50's and 60's, is almost never referenced any more.
recov
To be fair while Howard did a lot of really cool things, he didn't have a lasting legacy with anything. Elon on the other hand has multiple, something like spacex isn't just going to be forgotten. His seclusion didn't help.
cpach
You do have a point. Still, we can’t know for sure whom will be remembered by the people living in the future. Only they will know.
burntoutfire
> Elon on the other hand has multiple, something like spacex isn't just going to be forgotten

So far they haven't done anything that deserves that. If they do a manned mission to Mars and back that will be another story, but so far that hasn't happened.

blackcats
For every olympic winner there are many losers, it’s how the game goes. Overthinking or quitting doesn’t get you anywhere.
aliswe
Compare with your past self and make small achievements (level IRL as I put it). I would like to have a successful company but TBH startup grinding isnt really what I enjoy. So I quit that thought and think of other stuff to do.
hackflip
I think it's important to have goals outside of career/financial goals. Your self esteem should not come from any individual metric in a vacuum.
david-gpu
I'm baffled that nobody has suggested you to visit a therapist.

If your leg hurted, you would not listen to our uninformed opinion. Your mind hurts, so try a mind doctor instead of listening to us?

tanseydavid
Sometimes it makes me feel down but I really try to be mindful of that and then shift what I am thinking about at the moment.

A very helpful aphorism that I picked up is this: "Don't judge my inside based on other's outside."

sunstone
Some people compare and compete with their fellow humans. There are other people who consider existence itself to be their true competitor.
deanmoriarty
I am victim of this myself. By all metrics, I am successful (great software engineer career, overcame obstacles to immigrate to US and move to Silicon Valley, at 34 I have a $3M liquid net worth thanks so savings and frugal living, ...).

Yet, a substantial amount of my peers are doing so much better than me. They all won the IPO lottery from multiple companies and are sitting on $20M+ in their mid-late 20s. Others have incredible executive careers at FAANG, with compensations of $3M+ a year.

I understand survivorship bias, lottery luck, ... but when 80% of your network is in that position and you clearly feel left behind, it’s hard to say that it was luck, luck shouldn’t be that common by definition.

For me, the solution will likely be to move out of this area and relocate to a more middle class place. When I meet all my friends for dinner and they all drive Teslas while I am on my Honda, it doesn’t feel right.

xkeysc0re
I'm pretty sure you could easily buy a Tesla if you wanted to with 3 million in the bank. It's like somebody with a Virginia ham under their arm crying the blues because they don't have any bread.

In all honesty, sounds like you are in dire need of perspective. You should take some inspiration from your username and hit the road.

deanmoriarty
I agree with everything you said, that’s why I think moving away from Silicon Valley and building a network of “normal” people will be my best cure here.

I fully understand the controversy of my earlier message, I grew up poor in a modest European country after all.

But when you live your daily life and nearly all your friends of similar age or younger live in beautiful houses that cost $3M+ and you cannot even host a house gathering because you live in a rented small condo, that slowly affects your perspective.

I fully understand I could buy a Tesla. The difference is that a Tesla would be 5% of my net worth, so a very significant expense that I’m not going to entertain for a luxury and useless purchase.

For most of my peers, it’s 0.5%, so insignificant and more akin to what I would spend for a very nice vacation. Same analogy for an expensive house.

askafriend
A Tesla would be less than 3% of your net worth (a fully optioned out model 3, no less). Just go buy it if you're really that bothered by not having one.

You don't have to host parties at your place, just go party at your friend's place.

You'll likely cross double digit millions by the time you're in your mid or late 40s - I don't get what you're moping about. Go put $100k into ETH and thank me later if you're looking to take a risk and ride the wave.

cpach
Sounds to me like you’re doing quite good! In Europe, $3M would be nothing to scoff at. Driving a Honda sounds like good character to me.
throw_this_one
Dude your post is so silly I don't know where to start.

Confirms what I'm sure of, that there are plenty of people who have a ton of money and yet don't even know how to live life.

Go run, meditate, camp, eat shrooms, read some classic worldly books like from Hesse. You'll realize how silly you are trying to compare yourself to others when you already have enough to live a great life for the rest of your time here.

burntoutfire
That's probably a bad thing about living in the US. In contrast, here in Poland (and in most other places in the world I suspect), no one in tech is particularly successful, so there's no one to envy.
avenger123
Perhaps spend as much time as you need in reflection. Either with yourself or with the help of a therapist. It seems you're on shore and looking out to sea to a ship that is out of reach to you but you feel you should be on but it's not possible for you to see how to get there. Once you are on that ship, you feel your life issues will be solved or you'll be in a much better place happiness wise.

Unfortunately, lots of money doesn't solve life problems most of the time. Especially the inner life problems.

Reflect on your life. What's missing? What's the gap? Focus on those things.

I assure you a bigger house, a nicer car or lots of money in your bank account doesn't make your inner life better. I'm making the assumption that you're financially doing OK already.

The hardest thing to do is for us to reflect on ourselves and ask the why questions. It's easy to focus on something else and make that the target.

Borrible
You are one of the latest links in a 3.5 billion year unbroken chain of beings whose web weaves through the world for miles and miles above and below the earth.

Billions of you and your ancestors suffered and let suffer to bring you forth.

Then, for thousands of years for most of them there was just serfdom to their own kind, stupidity and the stale happiness the priests offererd.

So, you are one of the lucky ones.

Or not.

...

Heavy is the burden of the wise ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ueZo5i6GPg