Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
I am turning 35 years soon and I feel like I haven't achieved much, both personally and professionally. I have held jobs in small and big companies for mostly for 1-2 years each, traveled and lived in different countries, had 2 failed startups, and have about $500k in savings. I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.
As time went on, I started feeling less excited about everything, personal or work related. I used to be excited about new technologies, but not these days. I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same. I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.
This has been a recent change for me. When I was ~30 I still considered myself young and able to do anything I could do when I was in my 20s. But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?
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[ 3.9 ms ] story [ 460 ms ] threadFor example one common defence mechanism among younger intellectual types is rationalisation [2]. A person might get asked why they don't have children and respond with something like "I don't have the money, today children are so expensive", or "I enjoy my free time too much to be bothered with children", or "there are already too many humans on the planet, I don't want to make the problem worse", etc. But in their subconscious the fact everyone around them starts having children while they don't might silently be causing anxiety. When a person gets older such rationalisations can break down, i.e. "I enjoy my free time too much" might not work when you are 35 and start to feel lonely, so the stress that was once suppressed by a defence mechanism rises up.
That's just my layman's understanding of it.
[1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism
[2]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_(psychology)
Concepts like "achievement" are not fixed in stone, and are yours to define. Perhaps it is time that you take that challenge on, and define for yourself what success means to you. It doesn't have to be academic, career, or family oriented. It can be anything that you want it to be. But, it does have to come from yourself if you want it to be meaningful.
I read on the net that it might be because of a vitamin D deficiency. I took a medical test and it showed me that I was vitamin D and vitamin B deficient. I have started taking supplements for these two and I can already feel the difference after almost two months of taking the vitamins.
Get your vitamin levels checked.
Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing.
Now I can barely play for more than an hour without feeling some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or need to get to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can I fix this!?
I'm already taking vitamin supplements :)
Personally, I just took that as a signal to stop playing games. I still play (and really enjoy) multiplayer games with friends when they're around, but if you have an anxiety saying "you should be doing something else" then I think you should probably try doing something else.
Pick an indie game or two with a well-defined end point, one that plays in under 20 or even 10 hours. See the sense of finishing and never going back to it makes you feel any differently.
If it doesn't work, you can still leave games by the wayside. I took several years of a break because I just wasn't feeling it, and ended up coming back to video games with a different perspective. It's all good either way, you don't have to force it.
Listen to that feeling, because it's the truth. Video games should be at the absolute bottom of your priorities. Every minute you're playing video games is a minute you could be improving yourself, meeting new people, travelling or whatever.
35 is not old but time is nonetheless limited, you need to make the most of it. Once you have a family and feel some kind of fulfilment, then you can play video games if you want. I bet that right now it's just a temporary escape from your feeling of emptiness, but as soon as you stop playing the feelings come back, stronger than before, because you just wasted another hour without getting any closer to your goal. It's very analogous to trying to numb your ennui with alcohol, it's not a good idea.
> the fact that I don't have the option to do them is depressing to me.
> I definitely am less able to enjoy pleasure as I was many years ago
> Once I get back in front of the screen, it's back to the usual self.
I think there might be something here and I think I might have a video quite relevant for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvNCvCKJRBg
I felt this way about Diablo 3 for a bit, at some point I thought "I could've learned 3 languages by now instead of this". Turns out I still like gaming, but yeah, I really do also want to do other things with my time. So no more grindy stuff, I'll game, but more the stuff I can play for 30 minutes and stop, or alternatively some RPG/single player game that I can play for 40 hours over a few weeks to get my fill, and then move on.
Most of that debt is a house (that needs a lot of restoration). I have two awesome kids and a wife though. I'm happy with that part of me.
I feel like the concept of net worth is crucial to communicate things like these effectively. Reading your comment, I can't even figure out if you are in the red or in the green.
When I don't feel excited about the world, similar to what you describe, you meditate or spend time in nature. Reading about geology or trees has opened my eyes about how little we grasp about the nature of the universe and how focused on our own short lives we are while we are actually not much important. It's a shift in perspective. Usually, it helps me remember the small things that I still can influence rather than those beyond my control.
I don't know to be honest. Perhaps what's nagging at me is the lack of optionality. There are certain things I am now too old to do, like go to a school as typical student, go crazy at festival or clubs, go backpacking and easily meet new people, and have casual relationships. It's not that I want to do these things. I don't feel any desire for them. But the fact that I don't have the option to do them is depressing to me.
A) Life is like an evolving game with many rounds. Some doors close in your 20s, other doors open in 30s and so on. See what interests you outside and off the screen, once you find this, connect with other people who like to do it. For eg. in my city a lot of tech workers are into bouldering and hiking. You will see as you make friends in your age group, there is a whole bunch of new doors opening now that you are in your 30s.
B) Actually most of the things you list are totally still doable even _if_ you did want to do them. School as a typical student maybe not, but why be typical? I've met backpackers in their 60s, age truly is just a number.
I went back to school in the evenings when I was your age after being unfulfilled in my career. Turns out part-time education is full of people ranging from 20-somethings who chose the wrong career when they weren't working, to 50-somethings who just want to do something else.
I'm 40, most of my friends are mid 30s. When festival season comes around in the Netherlands, you can be damn sure people my age are going out there. Heck, we're the generation that started that when we were teens. Sure, I can't stay up until 6 in the morning anymore, but that doesn't stop us from going out until 3 am and hopping from bar to bar. I'll take the weekend recovering over not being able to go out anymore :)
You're not that old. The option isn't the problem, it sounds like your lack of desire is it. My best advice is take some time off, maybe a year since you've got the reserves, read some philosophy, slow down, figure out what matters to you.
Remember that anything that happens to you has happened to thousands and thousands of men in the past so don't put so much pressure on living.
Also, try to see yourself more as an artist painting a picture rather than someone that is struggling through life. Hope that helps.
I can't remember what book it was, maybe something by Douglas Coupland (?) He talks about how there was probably some guy just like him in 200 AD, in the Roman Empire, going through exactly what he's going through now. Forgotten to history, all his thoughts. And he's just that guy all over again.
Compared to beating the shit out of yourself for not being Mohammed or Ghengis Khan, Bars are just fine.
Seriously though, I take special pleasure in helping people directly. Giving to charity helps but getting to know people and giving a hand directly is even more rewarding I've found.
This may be a symptom of depression. It's called anhedonia, where people feel reduced motivation or an inability to feel pleasure. Many people feel depressed without feeling the typical symptoms of depression, like sadness.
Bored and or depressed because of few to no socially engaging connections in life.
Probably amplified by being stuck inside due to the pandemic.
Did some cool stuff in their 20s but realizing they’ve done “nothing” for the past five.
Sounds like it’s time to get on a plane and enjoy an adventure. Meet some fun people, have fun, and enjoy the life you’ve built.
Then when you land home try to transfer some of that energy towards expanding your social circle, maybe go dating, etc.
I'm 43 and doing something similar for last few years, not exactly the same because I had a different starting point than you.
Also try to excercise a bit because this mortal shell is crap.
It might not be for everybody. But once you accept meaninglessness of it all there are huge benefits of having a 100% of your life just to yourself.
I know mentioning crypto will not sit well with many people here but I see it as a retirement plan at the expense of greedy people of this world.
Oh.. and one of my best job changes was becoming a high school teacher. Think about it.
I think there is a natural change that happens around this age as the energy of youth starts to be tempered by the wisdom of age (not meaning to sound lofty, it’s just how it came to my mind). There is an opportunity to start seeking things of more meaning and purpose in life, whether it is through study, career change, creativity/hobbies, mindfulness or spirituality, time in nature, settling down, finding new friends or rekindling old ones, moving on, a different kind of travel, etc - it will be different for everyone. You may also be depressed or burned out, which is a whole other thing (that I could also heavily relate to). But I think it’s not correct for people to offer armchair diagnoses over the internet and you should find out what’s true for you.
People also seem to be recommending travel above all else, but this isn’t always a panacea and is not right for everybody. There can also be real value in staying put and changing on the inside, if that’s what’s true for you.
Good luck out there
Nothin's a panacea, you said that right.
https://festivalsandretreats.com/rainbow-gatherings-in-europ...
Ic.org
Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these. They might help you. I mostly just put my head down and kept coding for work and did nothing after work but lay down. I just had no interest in reading or watching TV or anything. If I hadn't had kids to support, I would not have been able to force myself to go to work either.
Eventually time would pass and it would go away and I would remember how much I liked coding and how much I liked all of my hobbies.
It's very hard to imagine ever returning to normal when you're in some sort of depressive episode. But statistically speaking, you almost certainly will. That knowledge always helped me to get through them. These is a good chance that in 6-12 months, you might again be quite excited by new technologies and the thought of going to festivals/bars/clubs.
Can I ask what medication/drugs were you given (or gave to yourself) when you went through these periods?
SSRIs in particular did not work well for me because they really interfered with my natural sleep cycle and this did not go away after 6 weeks as the doctors hoped. I would just bolt awake sweating after like 3 hours of sleep which made things much, much worse.
I never tried any illegal drugs. I've read good reports about psychadelics in some cases. But I've never tried anything like that.
I did try benzodiazapines during my last bout like 3 years ago. They were wonderful at first. Klonopin made me feel so relaxed somehow that it fixed everything else. I slept great and was interested in everything again. I thought I'd found the fix. But then it stopped working. They recommended increasing my dose. But I read horror stories about what happens there (see Jordan Peterson saga). So I tapered off. It was awful. I would wake up after 2 hours having a panic attack and not be able to get back to sleep. It took like an extra 3 months after tapering off until I was back to just regular depressed :). Would not recommend these! Read the benzo recovery reddit.
And so I live trying to being aware of each passing moment, and thinking about how I might better use the next moment. I have a personal web site on which I wrote down every major event in my life, and when I feel low I read that. I've achieved and done a lot. And I want to do a lot more. Mostly much more loving. In the both carnal and (obviously seperately) paternal senses.
I have hobbies I love - I did not pick one randomly because one should have a hobby, but because I truly love building those things. Creating something I recognise as beautiful is rewarding as f•••.
I also keep fit and healthy and take some pride in having lasted so many years without gaining weight other than muscle mass. I've done a variety of drugs, I've broken the law, and I'm ok with all of that because I think I've loved more people than I've hurt.
All these things... there's no meaning or other weird existential shit that comes of it. Other than being at peace with myself, my place in this fleeting existence, and enjoying as much of it as I can, while I can.
In parting, try sitting in a meeting and if there are women in the meeting, watch how men just talk right over them. And then interrupt those men, turn to the marginalised woman, and tell her you found her perspective interesting, and would she mind terribly repeating her thoughts. This is a probably hugely incoherent ramble about how I have learnt to actively try to get past what you describe. Some days are rough, most days amazing.
> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.
LOL.
No, you aren't old. You are just tired and forgot how to have fun.
What to do with that is up to you, but you are in a desperate need for a new experiences and feelings.
And with 500k in savings you have a pretty decent opportunity to just drop everything and be whatever you want to be for a day/week/month.
Just make a list of things you did and didn't do for some reason - and if the thing is reasonable try to do it now.
> turning 35 years soon
> Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.
/me writing this with a light hangover. I befriended a new person yesterday in a bar.
35 is definitely not 'too old'.
I think you’re describing depression, anyway, and that’s the real reason why you feel this way.
Invest in therapy, to help you cope with the fact that life isn’t about having a purpose. You seem to be let down by this idea of “accomplishment” that is engrained into our brains since childhood by our capitalistic society. I’m sure that you can look back and find out many accomplishments, plus you could try and do things for the sake of it. That helped me ;)
Technology bores me mostly, even though it's what I'm good at. I feel like time is running out to do something, I just don't know what that something is. It's really tough to figure out what you want to do, and how you go about doing it.
BUT you're not alone! Speaking to friends, and possibly to a therapist, will help you to process the feelings that you're having, and may help to take steps forward. I'm trying to find enjoyment in tech again, but if I don't then I'm going to go find enjoyment in something else - likely something drastic, knowing my history! Ride a bike, go on holiday, join a club, read a book. There's so much out there, it's about being brave enough to go and do something different.
At least that's what it is for me.
Perhaps you have an offline community that could benefit from some kind of automation, like generating tax receipts from a PDF template or organizing their resources and processes in a way (website?) that's useful for members.
Perhaps you're passionate about user freedoms, you explore an open source desktop environment and related apps but you find that it's still lacking in usability, stability or features. You dive in to make it better and in addition to doing good things for society as a whole, you also form bonds with other members of that developer community, first online, later at in-person meetups.
Perhaps you have an interest in mentoring and learning from each other, so you find like-minded people in your town. It could be coding meetups, pair programming sessions, conferences and presentations, helping tech noobs find their way into the industry. You might learn a bit and also pass on some of your own knowledge and experiences.
Either way, people-focused tech provides a different kind of fulfillment than tech for tech's sake. Worth a shot if you hadn't already tried to make it a focus!
But my reality is like yours.., those feelings that the time is running are closing me in. I try to enjoy the moment and don’t get overrun by the burden if time