A great example of forced celebration and socializing is The Circle by Dave Eggers. There's a moment early in the book between two characters. A man is very upset with a woman whom he has never met, and who was just hired by his company, because she failed to RSVP to his invitation for a company social event.
The ridiculousness-yet-very-serious nature of the scenario reads almost like satire, but it's what I've always imagined Silicon Valley's forced social events to be like.
The Circle can only really be enjoyed if read as an over-the-top satire in the vein of "if things go on this way." And the film was a great missed opportunity to do some sort of Strangelovian dark comedy rather than playing things straight.
> But that doesn’t mean that colleagues stopped connecting altogether, says Lopushinsky. They just started doing it in ways they actually found enjoyable. “On the flip side, the pandemic also led to the rise of more employee-led initiatives,” he says. Team-building events and ‘fun’ ceased to be top-down. “Employees would lead a Zoom yoga class, or a cooking class for their colleagues. It’s an interesting shift, away from ‘you have to do this,’ and toward, ‘what do you guys really want to do?’”
I am almost sure that the "mandatory fun" that the article described initially started as employees lead initiative that turned "mandatory", when he employees championing them started reaching position of power within the company. That's when people started feeling like they had to participate to impress their boss.
I can't wait for Janine "fun yoga zoom class" to become "mandatory" when said Janine becomes manager of her team and people notice that she has a privileged relationship with people who participate because they have something in common. And the cycle will repeat. There is no reason to believe the pattern has fundamentally changed.
> I am almost sure that the "mandatory fun" that the article described initially started as employees lead initiative that turned "mandatory", when he employees championing them started reaching position of power within the company.
It doesn't even have to get that far. I have low-level manager friend who's being pressured into leading "mandatory fun" events by his team. He hates that kind of thing, but if he doesn't do it his team will complain (not specifically about mandatory fun, but vaguer morale things) and it will look bad.
I don't understand...the team will complain? But it's his job to lead and take care of the team. He's not being pressured, it's part of the job. It's like when employee #2 is having a big fight with #3 because he never cleans the common kitchen after preparing his coffee. You might not care about the feelings of #2 but you have to do something, you are not pressured into it because the team can't stand the situation.
But the comment I was responding to was about these things becoming more "employee led" by people who actually want to participate. In this case it's a kind of weird up-down pressure by a couple people who who may want these events, but would rather complain than take the initiative themselves.
Why does he need to lead it? A manager should delegate, especially for things like this that can easily be organised/lead by someone that actuallys wants to lead them.
> I can't wait for Janine "fun yoga zoom class" to become "mandatory" when said Janine becomes manager of her team and people notice that she has a privileged relationship with people who participate because they have something in common.
This sounds like it could qualify as harassment in some jurisdictions if my last harassment training is anything to go by.
> I can't wait for Janine "fun yoga zoom class" to become "mandatory" when said Janine becomes manager of her team and people notice that she has a privileged relationship with people who participate
Not exactly the same, but at a previous job at a fairly small company (~25 people in total) the CTO smoked, and there would be "smoke breaks" where all the smokers would spend 15 minutes, smoke a cigarette and talk. I didn't (and don't) smoke, but it was a little frustrating to see the people who smoked seemed to consistently get promotions and special privileges, I think largely due to more personal time with the CTO.
I'm pretty convinced that at least two of my coworkers noticed this and started smoking specifically because they thought it might help their careers, and in their mind the smoke breaks weren't "optional" if they wanted to progress.
That company went belly up about a year after I got there, so I'm glad I never partook, but it was certainly tempting sometimes.
I've seen this happen with other activities, too. Drinking in a bar where you know the VP will be present. Wednesday Strip club lunch. I once worked at a place with "Bring Your Gun To Work day" where we'd go to a firing range with the boss over lunchtime. Even things as innocent as Sportsball chat. I once did some basic learning about the Warriors because a boss's boss was a basketball fan. I didn't even know the rules of basketball and had to Google who the local team was. Optional activities that get you face-time with the boss are not really optional.
Heh, you just made me realize my favorite kind of mandatory fun is the sort that forces a bunch of my co-workers to play some team sport (any team sport, really) with me that I don't get to play often as an adult, because it's usually difficult to get enough people together for it. I dislike most of the rest, but that kind's awesome. For me, anyway—probably some of the others hate it.
Haha ye. I hate "mandatory fun" unless it is soccer or longball or whatever I never have chance to do otherwise. Strangely, those events are usually actually not "mandatory" but just enthusiasts wanting to play team sports.
The good part of that is probably that it's still work (a fun kind of work.) You're not trying to come up with things to talk about or to be witty. The subject is the game. I wonder if boardgaming could work the same way.
The remote aspect makes a lot of these engagements more pathetic, not that I really enjoyed them in person.
We had Zoom 'happy hours' where people drank alcohol and rambled about inane stuff. It was certainly an hour, but happy? No, more like depressing hours.
I didn't mind mandatory fun that's just stuff you might do anyway like going down the pub with your colleagues and maybe your boss to get some pints it, but I'm really not a fan of structured mandatory fun that involves a sense of obligation.
If you were working with somebody you respect would you ask them to lunch or dinner? Sure, perfectly normal in every society on earth. However would you invite them to a sack race?
It will hurt you...unless it doesn't. The things we worry about rarely end up being the things that smack you in the back of the head in the middle of the night.
The enforced fun stuff at the hellscape company that laid me off were a non-issue. The layoff got me in a position to go work for a much less poisonous place.
Tangentially related: I was deeply relieved to be able to take a required training course on one of the standard corporate "don't be a bad person" topics virtually, thinking I would be spared the inevitable small group discussions. I of course completely overlooked Zoom's breakout room functionality and had to deal with two hours of periodic awkwardness as three of us started at a countdown timer and tried to stretch 30 seconds of bullet point discussion into 7 minutes.
It's never healthy or normal to get anxiety attacks from a situation that is not genuinely dangerous. For example an anxiety attack from being chased by a crazy dude would be normal. In any normal social situation, no.
That isn’t an anxiety attack situation. Even a job interview should not be. There are other means of making a living if you lose your job. Not if you get killed by a crazy dude. It is never healthy or normal to have an anxiety attack due to a work event
I don't think it's healthy, and I suffer from that too. But I'll turn away if I see a tourist point a camera at me (well, not at me, obviously, at whatever interesting thing I'm standing near), I'm obsessively private about things like that, especially with colleagues. Sharing photos would be painful.
For one recent thing at a new company, we had to play "two truths and a lie" in a breakout room with 4 people I'd never met. Normally I can think on my feet but I ended up telling three truths by accident, and was then forced to lie about one of them being a lie to these complete strangers, which made me feel like a fraud incapable of even playing a basic icebreaker without being weird. And I'm not weird! Basic as you get. Ugh.
And I've got another one of those godawful 300 person-with-breakouts ra-ra sessions coming up in 15 minutes.
Should go on the attack with HR that this discriminates against neurodivergent people who aren't comfortable with social situations and who don't document their lives on their phones. Maybe throw in that its possibly ageist against older employees who didn't grow up with facebook in their teens.
I fondly recall the mandatory volleyball games at my first employer. The guy with no arms got hired; played one game, and kicked ass. Suddenly the games weren't mandatory anymore and the bosses' kids took up baseball instead of volleyball.
Or just cover small group lunches. Lots of bonding can happen over food. NOT at the office. Particularly important when there are older employees around. Like, you know, thirty four.
Happy hours are the fastest way to bond, because libations lead to openness, and openness leads to friendships. Do that while you can. Then switch to lunches. Or even dinners!
It still astonishes me to this day how Director+ level at a company doesn't understand the power dynamic of being asked to 'optionally attend' these types of events.
Saying no is instantly a negative thing by the literal definition of "no". So however you ask your staff it won't matter, they will be uncomfortable at the event or uncomfortable saying no.
> Saying no is instantly a negative thing by the literal definition of "no". So however you ask your staff it won't matter, they will be uncomfortable at the event or uncomfortable saying no.
I'm a new SWE Manager and I've been thinking alot about power dynamics since I got promoted. You would think that you can just tell you reports "hey you can be honest with me and speak your mind", but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that.
I'm still working it out but one thing I've found that helps is to crack some jokes with my reports. Like the other day I was having a one on one with a report where they were saying that they didn't like how ClientX was doing ThingY on ProjectZ. I could tell by his tone that he was trying to gauge my reaction before continuing, I interjected with a light joke about said client, basically telling him that I completely agreed with his sentiment. From there I noticed that things got much lighter and he was able to speak his mind more about the issue.
>but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that
The majority of us understand we're not fully rational and treading ground as if that's the case, is exactly how one ruins their chances. There's a far lower risk in faking things than there is trying to be honest and hoping the opposite party is not affected by negativity, both consciously and subconsciously.
The number of superiors who say similar and do get affected subconsciously far outnumber those who aren't affected. Most of us are playing a game of Poker, not a game of DnD.
> You would think that you can just tell you reports "hey you can be honest with me and speak your mind", but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that.
Of course not, because of the SNAFU Principle: "True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are more consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."
If I'm working for you, you are not my equal. You might be my superior in the organizational sense, because you have the power to demand I be fired if I push you hard enough. You are also my inferior in that you can't meet your KPIs without my cooperation. Under no circumstances will I tell you the plain, unvarnished truth. It isn't what you want to hear, especially if you've got senior managers or clients breathing down your neck. Shit doesn't just roll downhill in the Army.
You don't want to hear that it is flat-out impossible to come to me on Friday afternoon with a feature request that must be in production by the following Monday. Instead, I'd tell you that it can be done, but I'll expect time and a half for all of the overtime I'll be working that weekend, and it will probably be buggy because the requirements were scribbled on a fucking bar napkin and I probably won't have time to test it properly. You won't like that either, but at least you'll have the basis for a rough cost-benefit analysis you can present to your bosses to ask them, "How badly do you want this done in the current timeframe?"
Power dynamics are definitely there, and they can sneak up on you. Injecting jokes can definitely break the tension, but I have also had it backfire on me a bit.
In my first time leading a team, a few months in one of the people on my team who I had known personally from before pulled me aside and basically said "listen, I know you, and I know that you are a sarcastic person and can understand it. But everyone else kind of thinks you're an asshole". Still very thankful that they pointed that one out to me.
> I'm a new SWE Manager and I've been thinking alot about power dynamics since I got promoted. You would think that you can just tell you reports "hey you can be honest with me and speak your mind", but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that.
I've also become a manager in recent months, and have had to think a lot about this. The approach I've mostly gone with is to try to be vulnerable and open about my own issues of the sort that I would want my reports to share. In the hope that they will reciprocate. It's hard to tell for sure, but that seems to have worked reasonably well.
This is anecdotal; but being genuine is a great pathway to open dialogue. Cut out the formalities and speak openly about your goals as their manager to create an environment where everyone works cohesively. A previous manager was successful in creating this environment and I was never more motivated in my life than working under him.
> "hey you can be honest with me and speak your mind", but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that.
I'd just caution you that... If you wanna bark up that tree you better be prepared to hear what they have to say. It might not be something you actually want to hear. And you're both going to have to deal with the fallout.
I think this is the real difficulty. Most people don't handle negative feedback all that well, and that's pretty much all people are going to come to you with.
Would you say more? Article headline and subtitle say “mandatory”, “required”, and “forced”. Certainly some weak leaders try to have their cake and eat it, by having “fake optional” events, but that seems like a different issue from mandatory fun that’s disclosed as mandatory.
> It still astonishes me to this day how Director+ level at a company doesn't understand the power dynamic of being asked to 'optionally attend' these types of events.
It depends on the company, on the country and the manager.
I sometimes organize dinners for my team (it's France after all). People can freely come or not and there is always someone who does not come. This someone changes all the time and nobody is keeping count.
I know my team inside out and, believe me, they will say when something pisses them off. Clearly. The dinners are not one of these things.
True work life balances acknowledges that we have lives outside of business, that coworkers are not family, and that higher bonuses and flexible time off policies are more appreciated than anything else. If we wanted to be here and suffer the tedious bedlam of your office politics, you wouldn't need to pay us.
I asked this question on Reddit a while back and this seems like a good place to ask the question now:
I'm a brand new manager, managing several reports and we are all remote. I've been tossing thoughts in the back of my head around on various ways we could bond as a team. My managers suggest that we do Zoom happy hour but I honestly cringe at the idea. With that said does anyone have any suggestions for things I can do with the team that wouldn't be "mandatory fun"?
My thought on it thus far is if we are all remote, the best thing you can do is to just support your team and not get in the way with various activities and such. But I would love to be proven wrong.
> I've been tossing thoughts in the back of my head around on various ways we could bond as a team.
What is the problem that lead to you thinking about this in the first place? Maybe somebody will be able to give you better advice if you can be more specific about what needs to be corrected.
Proactively investing in team health, is the closest thing to a free lunch as far as improving team outcomes. Try different things and see what works, but definitely do something if you want to find out what the highest version of your team could be.
Any activity that involves potentially bonding with your boss will always suck. The potential for power dynamic interactions gets in the way of relaxing.
If you think your team needs to be better meshed with each other, then suggest to one of them (who, after discussion, seems to think the same) that they propose an out-of-work bonding thing to their coworkers. And that they invite the rest of their team, but—crucially—not you.
Much more likely to be seen as a pleasant activity, rather than “mandatory fun.”
Now, if you as a manager want to bond better with your team yourself… I have no honest idea.
Probably you can at least build empathy, by taking on some of the worst “somebody’s gotta do it” work they’d otherwise be doing, to shield them from said work and instead keep them on work that’s their comparative advantage. They may never notice this / may take it for granted, though.
(But the real trick is to rise through the ranks from a non-managerial role, and ensure everyone already vibes with you before the promotion to management.)
I don't know what the remote version of this is, but instead of having an "after work" event, we found that having a lunch or event during work hours was far more valuable. While it's only been done a few times it seems that people really just want to go home after work, so the current thinking (subject to change) is that any "fun" thing needs to be during paid time and not disrupt family and personal time.
After all, employee happiness from a company perspective, is really primarily for the benefit of the company so paying for it, in time and resources, should be an acceptable expense.
I struggle with this as well. My team grew during COVID, and many of them are in different locations. In many ways, they haven't been able to gel as a team. There are other managers who had teams before COVID hit and their virtual hangouts just amplify the bond they had before.
People will complain about these events, but I just don't know any other way to help teams learn about each other.
>People will complain about these events, but I just don't know any other way to help teams learn about each other.
In gaming, there are entire genres which expect people to cooperate to get better results. Initially, they don't know anything about each other, but in functional groups there's at least a silent agreement to work together and not cause a fuss. Let's say in professional environments, it's fair to expect most employed people would do the same (ergo, the hiring process properly filtered the problem people out).
Eventually people end up working together on things more and more. From there, depending on their personalities, they will either learn more about each other, or come to an agreement they are only there to do the work. Both outcomes are fair, though individuals might feel left out when their expectations aren't met (team culture mismatch).
By introducing these events, it feels like managers are trying to fastforward a process which would happen naturally, through events which have little to do with the work at hand. If your projects need collaboration, surely these people will eventually communicate with one another and go through the flow illustrated above. I only expect managers to step in when there's a clear mismatch or sign of dysfunction within the team.
And honestly, I'm skeptical whether functional adults as a whole enjoy the attempts at fastforwarding the process. These events have a tendency to feel forced and infantilizing.
> And honestly, I'm skeptical whether functional adults as a whole enjoy the attempts at fastforwarding the process.
I certainly don't. I'm there to make money, not friends.
I've tried making friends at work before, and it was never worth it. They expect you to be there for them, they're never there for you, and once you've left the company you might as well have never existed to them.
Ironically the money part is a very good reason for people not to misbehave to begin with. If they don't misbehave, that alone should provide ample opportunity for the group to figure out if they want to just work or do more.
Just remember, you can be someone's boss or their friend. Pick one.
I'm not saying you can't be friendly. But you need to lose any illusion that you can be friends with your direct reports. And the way to be a great boss is respecting people's time. So instead of piling more stuff onto their calendars, try to identify some time wasting meetings/ceremonies and replace them with something fun and engaging.
"With that said does anyone have any suggestions for things I can do with the team that wouldn't be "mandatory fun"?"
Anything work related is "mandatory".
And bonding happens also naturally, when people work together on something with success.
Mandatory remote team bonding sounds bound to fail in most cases.
Depending on the size if the team and their interests, maybe some computer games could be fun and useful. I probably wouldn't say no to play battlefield or Left4Dead on company time with coworkers. But not everyone enjoys that.
FWIW I'd personally be quite annoyed if my employer were encouraging at-home alcohol consumption in the form of "zoom happy hour", prioritizing corporate team building over my home environment's quality at my/my household's expense. I don't even keep alcohol around, it would be akin to encouraging me to have cake around just so I can eat it on a virtual meeting scheduled specifically for cake consumption, another junk food I don't keep around and never really consume.
"drink up, happy hour is now enforced by law" - Dead Kennedys [0]
I don't drink, so I tend to drink water at such events. If you feel pressure, people can't tell what you're drinking. Iced tea, or whiskey? Gin, or water? Bloody Mary, or V8 with a salt rim? Moscow mule, or who cares, it's an opaque cup?
What about a recovered/recovering alcoholic employee liable to slip into this enabler trap?
I'm not personally plagued with this problem, but have no difficulty empathizing with the situation and think it's completely asinine for employers to encourage drinking among employees.
> What about a recovered/recovering alcoholic employee liable to slip into this enabler trap?
I absolutely hate that, and yes, that strikes very close to home. Over the years, I've had countless coworkers, peers and even a couple of managers, pressure me hard to drink. The pressure they're willing to apply skyrockets as they get more drunk. All I'm saying is, it's easier to deflect over zoom.
And that is the very hard line for a happy hour: No one should be "getting drunk" or otherwise visibly intoxicated on company time.
That's something I'd bring up with HR / upper management or my direct. "I had enough pressure to drink to excess in my college fraternity. I don't want it in my workplace."
A sibling comment mentioned how awkward the power dynamic can be when doing any social activity with your direct reports. That's definitely true, but I don't think that means you shouldn't try something.
There are plenty of online games, from card games, to pictionary/drawing, to word games. I'd start with short list of options, let the team select one, and play during an existing team meeting. Limit it to 30 minutes during normal work hours. That way there's no pressure to stay late or give up a lunch break.
If the team is brand new (to each other and to you), there are get-to-know-you activities. One that's kinda fun is "3 things" where each employee gives three things about themselves, but only one is true (or one is a lie), and the team has to guess which is true/lie. Sometimes unconvers interesting/unique things about employees - I had an employee who was a pro golfer at one point, stuff like that. Same as above - during an existing meeting, not after work or during lunch.
IMO, I think the best way to bond with your team really depends on who the people in your team are, and how easy / difficult it is to physically travel to be together.
For a year I worked hybrid (mostly remote) with a guy who was a single gamer. We'd try to play a game once a week; it was never mandatory. We met face-to-face every other month or so in the office and had lunch together.
In another remote position, we occasionally flew to the main office to meet each other face-to-face. We made a point of having team lunches.
For example: If everyone is within a 90-minute drive, coordinate a monthly (or quarterly) day together. Provide lunch, and focus on a task that works best face-to-face, like whiteboarding.
If many people need to fly, consider a yearly meetup at a hotel with a conference room.
Regarding a traditional "happy hour," I think if your team can't spend 30-60 minutes chit-chatting over some snacks, you have bigger problems. Feel out your team about alcohol, the presence of alcohol can make some people uncomfortable; but on other teams is perfectly welcome.
I was fortunate that my last team was a group of engineers that all liked video games. So we downloaded 0AD and beat the crap out of each other for a few hours one Friday.
Crucially, they'd been nagging ME for months to do some sort of team bonding thing but nobody wanted to do the usual Zoom HH; everyone was well past the novelty of that by late summer 2020.
I'd inherited the team during the pandemic, we were spread out over 4,000 miles and six time zones, and we'd grown the team by hiring remotely too. So it was important, but the initiative came from them and I just facilitated it.
I just got onto a new project, and one of the first things the lead said was that they do a Zoom happy hour every Friday at 4pm. I told her, "That's fine. Keep on doing that, but don't expect me to show up. If I want to socialize over Zoom I can do that on my own time."
No, I'm not fun at parties. I'm the designated driver.
The second statement shouldn't follow from the first. I'm plenty fun at parties, but work "friends" is a negative concept to me, and manager enforced "team bonding" is stupid.
I bond with my teammates by working with them, by overcoming struggles, confusion, stupid corporate policy, and deadlines with them. We learn to trust each other, to reach out to each other, and help each other. They are not my friends, they are my coworkers.
Managers, stop trying to force coworkers into my personal life. I have multiple groups of amazing, personal, and dedicated friends. None of them come from work.
Hang out with the people you're already buddies with. Make it reciprocal, don't always be the one inviting the other, they should invite you half the time. If you foster an environment where you already have a collegiate environment at work, your subordinates will naturally like to move that fun out of the office from time to time.
In short, make it optional, don't make it regular ("we have a happy hour every Friday :^D"), and make sure it's reciprocal.
We used to have a happy hour at the office when we were in person. Snacks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverages, etc.
When the company went remote due to COVID, we kept the time as an open chat. Most people joined in, some with beverages, some from their backyards, and some just kept their cameras off and mic on mute. I think it worked well. The understanding (carried over from when it was in person) was that it was completely optional and that definitely helped.
As far as non-mandatory fun goes, it has to be on "company time." And you really need to emphasize that it is optional (this means not doing anything that requires you to know the number of attendees ahead of time) and that there are no repercussions for not going.
I remember two outings at the same company, same department but under different managers: with manager A we went to lunch and a movie but anyone who wanted to could just take the afternoon off instead. Under manager B we went to a movie (with paid snacks - company budget was less then) but it was either go to the movie or stay at work. There was a definite difference in vibe at the two events.
The worst is companies that mandate their "fun" on your time. Scheduling these events later in the day or after office hours, or - for some truly evil companies - on weekends.
The cadaverous reek of mandatory fun was best captured by the impressively pathetic David Brent in the original UK Office series (portrayed by Ricky Gervais).
The moment when he points to a stuffed monkey on top of the coat-rack to demonstrate how much fun it is to work there... that moment is with me forever.
A friend of mine is working in a somewhat larger, remotely working team and they have a retreat once or twice a year. It's usually a holiday destination, a few days (like the work week) and it looks quite fun. It's one of the few times where everyone can see each other and it's seems to do it's job well as a team-building exercise, and I think it's largely because it's bottom up. It's up to the engineers what they want to do.
It's a holiday together, somewhat boozy with different social activities where not everyone is forced to participate (some might need something physical in between and others are not really in shape to participate).
Which might be the secret to 'mandatory fun' in the office. Maybe just ask what they would like, listen a bit and gather feedback what worked and what not, instead of just booking some random team-building offering. Top-down, mandatory fun (with a focus on mandatory) is just not going to work.
The article casts office forced-fun birthday parties as toxic, and yet the only alternative mentioned is co-workers voluntarily gathering together to drink alcohol and complain over zoom...as if that isn't also toxic. Hello everyone, we can do better!
A better alternative is employee-led, voluntary gatherings. For example, my company will pay up to $1000 for any such gathering. Somebody organizes a gathering they want to do, and it's announced to the whole company. Anybody who wants to join can come too.
We used to have these things at our old company, and they were happy to pitch in with e.g. dinner; that way we've had board game, MTG or video game nights (for the last one they employed a company that supplied gaming PCs), sports events, hackathons, airsoft, you name it.
My current employer did a lowkey after work beer here and there, and during the pandemic, awkward "forced fun" zoom meetups which started off with the guy pulling things to remark on everyone's camera image. I mean I get it, someone has to do it because in this company nobody else will because they all just want to get paid and get on with their life, but still.
Or maybe it's just the sign of a meh place to work if there is mandatory fun?
I've worked at several (small I have to admit) companies where the people were usually honestly disappointed if they couldn't join the yearly weekend outings, the parties were fun and if someone didn't want to join, they didn't join. OK, I only started at my current one during the pandemic so I haven't actually met most of the people and it's also a bigger one, with actually separate departments, so no high hopes here, but I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be this bad.
My boss recently had a birthday party where he invited us to come and pay for our own pizza at a place of his choosing. He invited his wife and baby but no one else was allowed to bring partners. It was made out like it was optional but when I didn't respond to the invite he singled me out and I was the only one not going. Didn't feel like I had a choice really.
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[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 244 ms ] threadThe ridiculousness-yet-very-serious nature of the scenario reads almost like satire, but it's what I've always imagined Silicon Valley's forced social events to be like.
I am almost sure that the "mandatory fun" that the article described initially started as employees lead initiative that turned "mandatory", when he employees championing them started reaching position of power within the company. That's when people started feeling like they had to participate to impress their boss.
I can't wait for Janine "fun yoga zoom class" to become "mandatory" when said Janine becomes manager of her team and people notice that she has a privileged relationship with people who participate because they have something in common. And the cycle will repeat. There is no reason to believe the pattern has fundamentally changed.
It doesn't even have to get that far. I have low-level manager friend who's being pressured into leading "mandatory fun" events by his team. He hates that kind of thing, but if he doesn't do it his team will complain (not specifically about mandatory fun, but vaguer morale things) and it will look bad.
This sounds like it could qualify as harassment in some jurisdictions if my last harassment training is anything to go by.
If you don't "voluntarily" join and put up a smile all the time people will notice.
There is no way to prove that your performance reviews will suffer from this.
Not exactly the same, but at a previous job at a fairly small company (~25 people in total) the CTO smoked, and there would be "smoke breaks" where all the smokers would spend 15 minutes, smoke a cigarette and talk. I didn't (and don't) smoke, but it was a little frustrating to see the people who smoked seemed to consistently get promotions and special privileges, I think largely due to more personal time with the CTO.
I'm pretty convinced that at least two of my coworkers noticed this and started smoking specifically because they thought it might help their careers, and in their mind the smoke breaks weren't "optional" if they wanted to progress.
That company went belly up about a year after I got there, so I'm glad I never partook, but it was certainly tempting sometimes.
I joined the first half of the first call back in 2020, nothing after that.
It will hurt me in the long run, but I can’t stomach mandatory fun.
Company holds a mandatory Diplomacy tournament.
Company folds right after because of an extensive and unstoppable spree of employee-on-employee murders.
We had Zoom 'happy hours' where people drank alcohol and rambled about inane stuff. It was certainly an hour, but happy? No, more like depressing hours.
The enforced fun stuff at the hellscape company that laid me off were a non-issue. The layoff got me in a position to go work for a much less poisonous place.
For one recent thing at a new company, we had to play "two truths and a lie" in a breakout room with 4 people I'd never met. Normally I can think on my feet but I ended up telling three truths by accident, and was then forced to lie about one of them being a lie to these complete strangers, which made me feel like a fraud incapable of even playing a basic icebreaker without being weird. And I'm not weird! Basic as you get. Ugh.
And I've got another one of those godawful 300 person-with-breakouts ra-ra sessions coming up in 15 minutes.
(and, no, anxiety isn't "healthy" but an employer disregarding your mental health is the real problem)
Sent from my mandatory conference with mandatory fun events.
Happy hours are the fastest way to bond, because libations lead to openness, and openness leads to friendships. Do that while you can. Then switch to lunches. Or even dinners!
Saying no is instantly a negative thing by the literal definition of "no". So however you ask your staff it won't matter, they will be uncomfortable at the event or uncomfortable saying no.
I'm a new SWE Manager and I've been thinking alot about power dynamics since I got promoted. You would think that you can just tell you reports "hey you can be honest with me and speak your mind", but the difficult part about that is no one will take you at your word when you say that.
I'm still working it out but one thing I've found that helps is to crack some jokes with my reports. Like the other day I was having a one on one with a report where they were saying that they didn't like how ClientX was doing ThingY on ProjectZ. I could tell by his tone that he was trying to gauge my reaction before continuing, I interjected with a light joke about said client, basically telling him that I completely agreed with his sentiment. From there I noticed that things got much lighter and he was able to speak his mind more about the issue.
Was that the right approach? Who the fuck knows.
The majority of us understand we're not fully rational and treading ground as if that's the case, is exactly how one ruins their chances. There's a far lower risk in faking things than there is trying to be honest and hoping the opposite party is not affected by negativity, both consciously and subconsciously.
The number of superiors who say similar and do get affected subconsciously far outnumber those who aren't affected. Most of us are playing a game of Poker, not a game of DnD.
Of course not, because of the SNAFU Principle: "True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are more consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."
If I'm working for you, you are not my equal. You might be my superior in the organizational sense, because you have the power to demand I be fired if I push you hard enough. You are also my inferior in that you can't meet your KPIs without my cooperation. Under no circumstances will I tell you the plain, unvarnished truth. It isn't what you want to hear, especially if you've got senior managers or clients breathing down your neck. Shit doesn't just roll downhill in the Army.
You don't want to hear that it is flat-out impossible to come to me on Friday afternoon with a feature request that must be in production by the following Monday. Instead, I'd tell you that it can be done, but I'll expect time and a half for all of the overtime I'll be working that weekend, and it will probably be buggy because the requirements were scribbled on a fucking bar napkin and I probably won't have time to test it properly. You won't like that either, but at least you'll have the basis for a rough cost-benefit analysis you can present to your bosses to ask them, "How badly do you want this done in the current timeframe?"
In my first time leading a team, a few months in one of the people on my team who I had known personally from before pulled me aside and basically said "listen, I know you, and I know that you are a sarcastic person and can understand it. But everyone else kind of thinks you're an asshole". Still very thankful that they pointed that one out to me.
"You're being disrespectful."
"The team's productivity and morale is more important than you."
I've also become a manager in recent months, and have had to think a lot about this. The approach I've mostly gone with is to try to be vulnerable and open about my own issues of the sort that I would want my reports to share. In the hope that they will reciprocate. It's hard to tell for sure, but that seems to have worked reasonably well.
I'd just caution you that... If you wanna bark up that tree you better be prepared to hear what they have to say. It might not be something you actually want to hear. And you're both going to have to deal with the fallout.
Or maybe they understand completely?
I sometimes organize dinners for my team (it's France after all). People can freely come or not and there is always someone who does not come. This someone changes all the time and nobody is keeping count.
I know my team inside out and, believe me, they will say when something pisses them off. Clearly. The dinners are not one of these things.
I'm a brand new manager, managing several reports and we are all remote. I've been tossing thoughts in the back of my head around on various ways we could bond as a team. My managers suggest that we do Zoom happy hour but I honestly cringe at the idea. With that said does anyone have any suggestions for things I can do with the team that wouldn't be "mandatory fun"?
My thought on it thus far is if we are all remote, the best thing you can do is to just support your team and not get in the way with various activities and such. But I would love to be proven wrong.
What is the problem that lead to you thinking about this in the first place? Maybe somebody will be able to give you better advice if you can be more specific about what needs to be corrected.
If you think your team needs to be better meshed with each other, then suggest to one of them (who, after discussion, seems to think the same) that they propose an out-of-work bonding thing to their coworkers. And that they invite the rest of their team, but—crucially—not you.
Much more likely to be seen as a pleasant activity, rather than “mandatory fun.”
Now, if you as a manager want to bond better with your team yourself… I have no honest idea.
Probably you can at least build empathy, by taking on some of the worst “somebody’s gotta do it” work they’d otherwise be doing, to shield them from said work and instead keep them on work that’s their comparative advantage. They may never notice this / may take it for granted, though.
(But the real trick is to rise through the ranks from a non-managerial role, and ensure everyone already vibes with you before the promotion to management.)
After all, employee happiness from a company perspective, is really primarily for the benefit of the company so paying for it, in time and resources, should be an acceptable expense.
People will complain about these events, but I just don't know any other way to help teams learn about each other.
In gaming, there are entire genres which expect people to cooperate to get better results. Initially, they don't know anything about each other, but in functional groups there's at least a silent agreement to work together and not cause a fuss. Let's say in professional environments, it's fair to expect most employed people would do the same (ergo, the hiring process properly filtered the problem people out).
Eventually people end up working together on things more and more. From there, depending on their personalities, they will either learn more about each other, or come to an agreement they are only there to do the work. Both outcomes are fair, though individuals might feel left out when their expectations aren't met (team culture mismatch).
By introducing these events, it feels like managers are trying to fastforward a process which would happen naturally, through events which have little to do with the work at hand. If your projects need collaboration, surely these people will eventually communicate with one another and go through the flow illustrated above. I only expect managers to step in when there's a clear mismatch or sign of dysfunction within the team.
And honestly, I'm skeptical whether functional adults as a whole enjoy the attempts at fastforwarding the process. These events have a tendency to feel forced and infantilizing.
I certainly don't. I'm there to make money, not friends.
I've tried making friends at work before, and it was never worth it. They expect you to be there for them, they're never there for you, and once you've left the company you might as well have never existed to them.
I'm not saying you can't be friendly. But you need to lose any illusion that you can be friends with your direct reports. And the way to be a great boss is respecting people's time. So instead of piling more stuff onto their calendars, try to identify some time wasting meetings/ceremonies and replace them with something fun and engaging.
Anything work related is "mandatory". And bonding happens also naturally, when people work together on something with success.
Mandatory remote team bonding sounds bound to fail in most cases.
Depending on the size if the team and their interests, maybe some computer games could be fun and useful. I probably wouldn't say no to play battlefield or Left4Dead on company time with coworkers. But not everyone enjoys that.
"drink up, happy hour is now enforced by law" - Dead Kennedys [0]
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDWHIRkFL-8
I'm not personally plagued with this problem, but have no difficulty empathizing with the situation and think it's completely asinine for employers to encourage drinking among employees.
I absolutely hate that, and yes, that strikes very close to home. Over the years, I've had countless coworkers, peers and even a couple of managers, pressure me hard to drink. The pressure they're willing to apply skyrockets as they get more drunk. All I'm saying is, it's easier to deflect over zoom.
And that is the very hard line for a happy hour: No one should be "getting drunk" or otherwise visibly intoxicated on company time.
That's something I'd bring up with HR / upper management or my direct. "I had enough pressure to drink to excess in my college fraternity. I don't want it in my workplace."
There are plenty of online games, from card games, to pictionary/drawing, to word games. I'd start with short list of options, let the team select one, and play during an existing team meeting. Limit it to 30 minutes during normal work hours. That way there's no pressure to stay late or give up a lunch break.
If the team is brand new (to each other and to you), there are get-to-know-you activities. One that's kinda fun is "3 things" where each employee gives three things about themselves, but only one is true (or one is a lie), and the team has to guess which is true/lie. Sometimes unconvers interesting/unique things about employees - I had an employee who was a pro golfer at one point, stuff like that. Same as above - during an existing meeting, not after work or during lunch.
For a year I worked hybrid (mostly remote) with a guy who was a single gamer. We'd try to play a game once a week; it was never mandatory. We met face-to-face every other month or so in the office and had lunch together.
In another remote position, we occasionally flew to the main office to meet each other face-to-face. We made a point of having team lunches.
For example: If everyone is within a 90-minute drive, coordinate a monthly (or quarterly) day together. Provide lunch, and focus on a task that works best face-to-face, like whiteboarding.
If many people need to fly, consider a yearly meetup at a hotel with a conference room.
Regarding a traditional "happy hour," I think if your team can't spend 30-60 minutes chit-chatting over some snacks, you have bigger problems. Feel out your team about alcohol, the presence of alcohol can make some people uncomfortable; but on other teams is perfectly welcome.
Crucially, they'd been nagging ME for months to do some sort of team bonding thing but nobody wanted to do the usual Zoom HH; everyone was well past the novelty of that by late summer 2020.
I'd inherited the team during the pandemic, we were spread out over 4,000 miles and six time zones, and we'd grown the team by hiring remotely too. So it was important, but the initiative came from them and I just facilitated it.
No, I'm not fun at parties. I'm the designated driver.
I bond with my teammates by working with them, by overcoming struggles, confusion, stupid corporate policy, and deadlines with them. We learn to trust each other, to reach out to each other, and help each other. They are not my friends, they are my coworkers.
Managers, stop trying to force coworkers into my personal life. I have multiple groups of amazing, personal, and dedicated friends. None of them come from work.
In short, make it optional, don't make it regular ("we have a happy hour every Friday :^D"), and make sure it's reciprocal.
We used to have a happy hour at the office when we were in person. Snacks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverages, etc.
When the company went remote due to COVID, we kept the time as an open chat. Most people joined in, some with beverages, some from their backyards, and some just kept their cameras off and mic on mute. I think it worked well. The understanding (carried over from when it was in person) was that it was completely optional and that definitely helped.
As far as non-mandatory fun goes, it has to be on "company time." And you really need to emphasize that it is optional (this means not doing anything that requires you to know the number of attendees ahead of time) and that there are no repercussions for not going.
I remember two outings at the same company, same department but under different managers: with manager A we went to lunch and a movie but anyone who wanted to could just take the afternoon off instead. Under manager B we went to a movie (with paid snacks - company budget was less then) but it was either go to the movie or stay at work. There was a definite difference in vibe at the two events.
The moment when he points to a stuffed monkey on top of the coat-rack to demonstrate how much fun it is to work there... that moment is with me forever.
It's a holiday together, somewhat boozy with different social activities where not everyone is forced to participate (some might need something physical in between and others are not really in shape to participate).
Which might be the secret to 'mandatory fun' in the office. Maybe just ask what they would like, listen a bit and gather feedback what worked and what not, instead of just booking some random team-building offering. Top-down, mandatory fun (with a focus on mandatory) is just not going to work.
My current employer did a lowkey after work beer here and there, and during the pandemic, awkward "forced fun" zoom meetups which started off with the guy pulling things to remark on everyone's camera image. I mean I get it, someone has to do it because in this company nobody else will because they all just want to get paid and get on with their life, but still.
I've worked at several (small I have to admit) companies where the people were usually honestly disappointed if they couldn't join the yearly weekend outings, the parties were fun and if someone didn't want to join, they didn't join. OK, I only started at my current one during the pandemic so I haven't actually met most of the people and it's also a bigger one, with actually separate departments, so no high hopes here, but I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be this bad.
Of course they also have that mindset in a dozen other ways, so I shouldn’t really be surprised.