Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
It hasn't really sunk in yet, that in 2 months, we'll be having a tiny human in our hands. While I'm obviously excited, I feel like I've done precious little to really prep myself on what's to come.
Looking back...what do you wish you had done different?
What are some actionable suggestions you'd have for a new father? Habits to modify/cultivate, items to purchase, anything goes...
EDIT: What an incredible thread. Going through each of the replies here...thanks for the responses and advice, everyone!
342 comments
[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 299 ms ] threadIt varies but doesn't be surprised if you don't really feel much about the new arrival until after a few months when it becomes clear there is actually a person in there. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
In fact, we ended up with me being in charge of "input" and him being in charge of "output". As in, I make the overall nutrition decisions, and when he became really worried about the chemical smell of disposable diapers, I did a little shopping to find ones we both could live with (he rejected the idea of cloth diapers), since I agreed the chemical smell probably indicated the presence of stuff our kid was better off not having in contact with his body 24/7, but wasn't as wound up about it as he was. He's also taking the lead on potty training, while I'm the one who's handling most of the execution of that because I'm the one on a part-time work schedule.
In that vein, when one parent cares about something VERY much, and the other kind of cares but not deeply, we've found it best to let the one who cares more have their way... as long as they're willing to do the extra work.
It also really, really helped that he was able to take a month off after our baby was born, and then the first month I was back at work after a year of maternity leave and our kid was starting daycare. This is available to all regular employees in Germany - 14 months of parental leave per child, to be split with at least 2 months to each parent, overlap allowed.
If you can at all swing it, time off that first month is critical if there's not a close relative or friend who will be living with you.
I make 120k and I could only afford my wife not being at work for 2 months. I don't live in a HCOL area. Nearly everyone I know that makes a household income of around 100k right now struggles, and that is with mortgage payments closer to the 1000k mark than my closer to 2000k mark. I'm in my 30's and just bought a home recently, like many my age.
We had to budget hard, food cost in general is high. Add a baby to that, it really hit home. Wife pumped, and it helped offset cost in the first few months. But luckily Wife was able to get back to work in only two months time. I would have loved 6-12 months for her to be at home. But America sucks, and I would need to pretty much make 180k to justify it.
To be fair, Germany got an awful lot of income tax out of me the ten years previous that I might have otherwise saved and invested, but I’m ok with this - this system means that long maternity leaves are expected and more easily accommodated, and two months of paternal leave is considered doing your minimal fatherly duty.
I will add that our kid is in 500 EUR/mo daycare, even with parents pulling down 1.5 engineering/IT salaries.
The 0.5 is the 20 hour work week my employer was obliged to let me choose during the first 3 years of my kid’s life. After that, I can convert my contract permanently to part-time, or go back to full-time. They can choose to be more flexible, but that’s their minimum obligation. None of my female friends back home in the States has managed to stay in a technically/professionally-demanding job only part-time after kids: they either drop out of paid employment entirely, do something they’re overqualified for part-time, or deal with 40+ hour workweeks to keep doing what they’re good at.
I want Americans to know what’s possible.
If you plan to do the baby sling thing and keep your child with you as much as you can; start practicing wearing the sling (with weights) now, and work out the issues and accommodations when its not as critical if you drop things.
If you don't have a dog yet, adopt one. Raising puppies is a good lower impact introduction to the general field of "small mammal infant care"; and dogs and babies go quite well together in so many other synergistic ways.
This shit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medroxyprogesterone_acetate
She's one of those lucky people for whom no drug seems to work as advertised, all she gets are the side effects and usually much worse than the text of the drug warnings describes.
My partner and I did this by accident. We were having infertility struggles and our old dog died, so we adopted a 5 month old puppy. A year later we finally got pregnant. Now we have a 2 and half year old dog and a 1 year old baby and things are just settling down to a manageable level of stress. We just about lost our minds trying to manage both and the puppy definitely didn't get the attention he needed. I think we'll all be okay in the long run, and the baby adores the dog. But if we were to do it again we would not have both puppy and baby at the same time.
The life and death matters (sorry):
- Never shake your kid, ever
- Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating
The luxury matters:
- Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it
- Don't worry. Whatever happens at any point, it's going to be very different soon. Your kid cries a lot / doesn't talk yet / is not dry yet? It will change soon and you'll forget that you even worried about it.
- Adding to before: Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future
- A lot of things are outside your control. Don't try to control them all, it only grinds you up
- Almost all your challenges are going to be emotional, not rational. Try to invest in empathy, care for all three of your family
- Music is magic. Sing for your kid. Don't worry, it doesn't know or care what good/bad singing is
- Body contact is magic. Hold your kid close to your skin as much as possible
- Some people think kids are inherently evil and need to be broken. Some people think kids are inherently good and need to be left to their own devices completely. Both are wrong: Kids need guidance but want respect.
- Take your kid seriously, always. Even as a toddler.
Obligatory medical stuff:
- The most frequent injuries are toddler fractures (careful with trampolines) and elbow subluxations. When you hold your kid's hand and they fall, try not to pull and twist the arm or the joint will pop out. If it does, don't worry, it doesn't hurt, but go see a doctor within a few hours to pop it back in. The longer you wait the harder it gets.
- If there's a fever and it's really tough, you can alternate ibuprofen and tylenol up to every 3 hours. Take care to use fractional doses by weight. Always have some sort of NSAID in your house.
That's a small selection. Maybe you won't encounter them, but maybe you will, and maybe they'll help.
Having a kid is a challenge, but it makes life much more.
But I just thought I’d point out that the evidence that unconditionally finishing an entire course of antibiotics actually is necessary turns out to be very poor: https://www.bmj.com/content/358/bmj.j3418
If you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense. Prolonging an antibiotic course will increase, not decrease, the chance of organisms becoming resistant, and finishing a course of an antibiotic will by definition not kill resistant organisms anyway.
The paper you linked reads more like an opinion piece to me (not my field, cannot judge), but it points to this meta-analysis [1] which supports your argument. Surprising that so few studies seem to exist on this link (~20 in the meta analysis).
[1] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20483949/
- Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low.
- (Related) Each kid is very different. It's kind of wild how different they are and mine are still very little.
- By default you're likely to raise your kids as the average of how you and your spouse were raised. If either of you didn't like your upbringing you probably want to consider some kind of outside help to change your course sooner rather than later.
- OP said "It hasn't really sunk in yet" -- I just wanted to say this was the same for me. For all three kids! I was aware my wife was pregnant but it never really clicked until the baby was there.
- Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.
- You'll be fine!
100% concur and well said!
^ Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.
Can't remember if it was 3, 6, 9 or 12 months but yeah. I've always told soon-to-be parents not to be surprised that it doesn't feel like a real person on day 1. And that the first 6-12 months are largely janitorial.
The difference it makes is measurable, but there are lots of other factors. On a macro scale, it absolutely makes sense to encourage breastfeeding, but mothers who can't or don't want to nurse can feel a lot of pressure and shame about it. Nursing feels like a big decision, but on an individual scale the only thing that's important is: is the baby getting their nutritional needs met. And formula does that just fine.
Formula does not seed and nourish their gut microbiome. Look it up.
When you become a parent, you suddenly join an invisible world-wide club. Parents empathize and help each other instinctively in many cases. People will come to your aid when you would never expect it. Accept the help. And pass it on when you see others struggling.
Nope.
We all have constraints: familial support, financial support, etc.
We're all really doing the best we can.
For me, this is key. The early years were hard on me. I’m a hobby-driven introvert, and having kids felt like a major sacrifice of the personal time I was used to. I learned a lot about myself and my needs in the process.
I loved my kids more than anything, but I also teetered on regret for some time. I’d see other dads seem to revel in parenthood and be unequivocally joyful in their decision, and I’d feel ashamed. I feared I wasn’t cut out to be a parent.
Now my kids are 5 and 8, and it’s completely different. Parenting has become much more fun and fulfilling. I look forward to weekends with my kids, chatting with them, encouraging their interests, taking family vacations, family movie nights, and so on. They still drive us nuts on a regular basis, but it's a joyful life, and it’s night and day from the toddler years.
Hopefully you’ll have a smile on your face all the way through! But to the extent you don’t, remember that it’s always changing. Some stages change in weeks or months, others take years. Hang in there, do the best you can, and take it a day at a time.
Also: Be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs. I always was reluctant to ask for alone time because my wife is an extrovert. But I needed it to be a decent human. My wife and I both learned this the hard way. ;)
Congratulations! This is the biggest and most important adventure you can take. <3
> I loved my kids more than anything, but I also teetered on regret for some time.
Basically my issue right now but it's getting better with time. That said, it's hard to imagine ever taking the plunge with a second one (even if we weren't too old for that anyway).
This is fantastic.
Nobody cares that the neighbor kid started walking at 8 months while yours hasn't yet. It doesn't mean anything. You'll barely remember yourself in a year or two.
Choreography
I set up a nappy-change table that folds out on our bathroom wall. That was a bit of a coincidence but I am really happy that I put it there. It's the perfect spot with access to the sink, the washing machine and the nappy bin. It's worth thinking a bit about because you will be using it during the middle of the night, holding the baby with one hand and needing to throw out the diaper with the other, followed by cleaning up nasty stuff all over. And you will be doing this in a sleep deprived state, with a baby screaming into your ear, making it feel like a military stress test of sorts. The same applies to bottle routine -- if you are going to sterilize them, are they easy to get from there to drying to usage etc.
Stress
One thing that is at the same time super frustrating and a huge relief is that the stress keeps changing character. Every time you think you've found a routine, suddenly the trick that used to work for calming down now seems to do the opposite. But conversely, the thing that was the cause for tantrums is suddenly not a problem at all, and might even trigger smiles. I try to keep this in mind every time I do something for the 14th time that is really annoying.
Don't give in to that kind of societal inequality - change it.
Also, if your country of residence is not so strict regarding this, go change diapers in the womens room if needed.
Honestly, changing nappies isn't that bad, particularly for your own child, and even if it was, this is a pretty selfish attitude to take.
Other than that, don't overthink/worry too much about it, and you'll be fine!
Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.
I should have simply listened to my intuition and asked for c-section upfront.
Be careful, there is some evidence that NSAIDs may also contribute to infertility.
As far as I’m aware, that seems to be epiphenomenal. The inflammation is correlated to infertility, and also with NSAID consumption.
Take your time, especially if you're easily angered, like the parent comment mentions. If your baby just won't stop crying no matter what you try or do and you feel like you might be losing it, just put it back in the crib, leave the room for 5 minutes and come back when you calmed down.
Honestly babies are all very different so lots of advice wont work.
Try to be hands on. I see lots of Moms doing all the work. It looks like they're coping but its super hard. As a test try looking after the baby by yourself a few hours, its exhausting.
This is down the road but related, try to normalize grandparents or other parents doing babysitting. Its easy to do all the work yourself but its brutal.
Be social. Hopefully the mother will have friends with babies, if not get some. You should be the same, it really helps to have other parents in the same position you can swap notes with.
Take lots of videos. Its hard to believe but soon you wont remember how they looked or sounded at that age.
But for the time being:
* Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived.
* Every kid is different, and half of the advice you get will not work for your kid. Even with the same genetics, they're still different people.
* You will probably get very used to puke, pee and poo.
This needs to be the top comment. You cannot imagine what constant or regular (e.g. every 2nd night) sleep deprivation will do to your brain and/or body.
Also, if possible, take as much time of from work as you can. Those early days will never come back and you can't make some memories again.
Relax... most things will take care of themselves and worrying isn't going to make a huge difference, in fact it may become a problem in its own right. Kids are far more resilient than adults usually believe.
And congratulations and I hope everything will go as smooth as possible.
Kids are prone to learning languages and fast, so try to keep them surrounded with content of a foreign language that you deem interesting for their future.
If you happen to draw a colicky baby, my suggestion is to quickly introduce shifts. Don't stay awake together, but try to get that 5.5 hours of sleep. Everything will be so much better if you get some rest.
That being said, I do try to encourage my partner to get as much sleep as possible, so that he can be more rested during the day. I'm fortunate in that I'm fairly functional on not much sleep, a trait that's highly compatible with breastfeeding.
Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state.
Same for your regular friendships. Maintain them. The other day someone asked me to name my 3 best friends and all I could come up with was people I knew years ago that I barely speak to anymore.
For me that was the main problem. The kids slept relatively well, ate ok, didn't get sick very often. But they still take up so much time that it's easy to forget about everything else.
1: Preferably with lots of intimacy. A good part of our luggage for getaways is sex toys.
Seat belt extenders for larger fliers are invaluable for getting the car seat buckled in too!
I always wonder if such people who write these comments would themselves commit to a verifiable improvement of their own behaviour in public according to to the norms of others. I'd love to see it :)
Except: do not fly. Go somewhere that requires no flying. This planet thanks you.
Sometimes people become resentful of their kids ("If only I didn't have kids, I'd...")
Your kids will not appreciate such "sacrifices". It's unfair to them. Take care of yourself too.
Go to one of those newborn classes and learn how to change a diaper and swaddle at the minimum.
(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep.
Listen to your gut. You're ultimately responsible for your baby. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up and set boundaries with the other people in your life. Do it from the start, preferably. But if you get talked into something you later change your mind on, then say so and enforce those boundaries.
(If applicable) when you get back from the hospital, the mother will need a prescription filled. Bring her and the baby home, and then figure out all the prescription stuff that day for her. Read all of the doctor's orders and then later when she gets some rest, summarize them for her. (E.g. if she nurses, she may need to stop some prescriptions.)
My wife still tells people about how grateful she was for me proposing this. We each had a guaranteed 6 straight hours of sleep: I slept 9pm to 3am, and she slept 4am to 10am. We used the hour between to update me on any concerns there might've been, but usually to watch TV together on the couch.
For my advice, I swear by the Mayo Clinic Guide to Your Baby's First Year (https://www.amazon.com/Mayo-Clinic-Guide-Babys-First/dp/1561...).
Also, I tried to enforce a rule of no visitors staying longer than a few minutes, except our parents. People were free to drop off food or whatever, peek in for a look, but then they needed to leave. We couldn't entertain, and no matter what visitors claim, they did impose. Once he was 2 months old, one of us would occasionally take him to family's houses while the other stayed home to sleep.
My last advice is don't hesitate to contact the pediatrician with a question soon after getting home. Ideally, the first contact should be for an insignificant thing. Use the experience to learn the proper phone numbers or message systems, and get a sense of how long it takes for them to respond. Pediatricians are used to panicky parents with dumb questions, so don't worry about pissing them off.
this is probably very different for everyone, and is also culturally dependent.
i never felt that visitors were imposing, and i have even been couchsurfing with people who had infants. (they would not have offered to host, if that was a problem). it mostly comes down to the understanding that as a guest, you are not a priority. when we had guests, they would march right into the kitchen and make themselves useful, and otherwise hang around and chat without disturbing what else was going on.
What we tried: I would pump some milk before heading to bed @ ~10am, and he would stay with the baby and give her the expressed milk. At around 1-2am, we'd switch.
Why it didn't work: * I am really bad at getting to sleep, especially if I know I have to get to sleep. So I wouldn't get to bed til 11/12, and then I'd have to wake up soon after. (Relatedly, I'm incapable of napping). * The baby wasn't particularly happy with the bottle feeding and my partner was pretty stressed out by trying to keep her from crying and interrupting my sleep.
What we do now: I co-sleep with the baby in a floor mattress all night, so it's easier for me to drift in and out of sleep. My partner sleeps in a bed in a different room so that he can maximize his sleep hours and be functional during the day to help out with chores and cooking. So yeah, it's pretty much all me at night, but that's the reality of breastfeeding. My partner would breastfeed if he could, but alas, biology. (And yes, co-sleeping isn't approved by AAP, so you'll need to decide for yourself if you think its safe).
Anyway, everything depends on each mother/baby/father. Experiment, see what works/doesn't work for you!
co-sleeping isn't approved by AAP
it looks like that is changing, ever so slightly:
https://www.savvyparentingsupport.com/new-aap-sleep-guidelin...
You might like to ask family to visit and help. It might bring you closer.
Take as much time off as you can. It's a really sweet time to bond.
Be kind, to the extent you can.
We all of us are human. You will lose your temper, you will embarass yourself in the grocery store. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.
If your kid drops something and it breaks then being angry will make them more nervous and more likely to break it next time. Try to just acknowledge the error, say it is very little, and urge them to be a tad more careful next time. Of course, sometimes you will be angry. See the prior paragraph.
Remember Mr Rogers. Kids need to know they are loved and cherished. That doesn't mean giving them an award every time they clean their room -- they need to be responsible just like any other person -- but it does mean to try to be kind. If you are wondering whether you should say that you are glad you were able find the time together to play catch, then you should say that.