Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?
Hello HN, I just learned that we are going to have a baby, but I'm just so burnt out at my job. I can barely afford my health insurance, and now we are looking at adding a dependent, there's just no way. I've been here since 2012, and I've never felt like I wasn't just about to be fired.
And this baby is going to be here, like, imminently. It's always been my dream to be a dad, and now I realize how laughably unprepared I am to be bringing somebody into this world. I can barely do my job, and now, it's so, so serious. I can't quit my job, I can't take time to look for another job, I can't _do_ my job.
When it was just "me" in the world, I could afford to be cavalier and take chances, but now I feel completely dependent on a group of people that demonstrably DNGASFF about me.
I'm not a fast talker, my resume looks like shit, the only thing I know how to do is program, and we're about to have a baby. What do I do?
109 comments
[ 2.8 ms ] story [ 163 ms ] threadHope is not a strategy and “it’ll work out” is naivety and survivorship bias’ love child. 12 million kids live in poverty in the US, for example.
Even if the situation requires actions, calming down and taking the time necessary to realise you actually have space to work on solutions is always a good first step.
I agree panicking doesn’t help; it’s a call to action. When not at their day job, their job is to find a new job outside of business hours.
(I would propose different advice for someone not in the US, who might have parental leave available and a more robust social safety system)
I don’t think that’s a good advice. Life is not a crash scene where minutes count.
Realistically we are talking about weeks here. The situation is not that different today than yesterday and will be mostly the same tomorrow.
OP has time to take a breath, remember that they have a partner having the kid with them and who they can talk to, take a calm look at the situation as a whole which is highly unlikely to be as bad as he paints it (realistically how unemployable can be someone who currently holds a steady job) and then plans actions for the next few months.
The original comment was spot on in a lot of way. Having a kid is indeed a life changing event but it’s good remembering plenty of people went through it and survived.
Things turned out slightly differently for me and could see the OP taking some useful cues from it. When I burned out I eventually quit my job(the sooner the better or an extended vacation with the possibility of returning just for safety). I then took a complete break from anything technology related, in all honesty I was forced to, my focus was all over the place. I walked a lot during those days and tried not to linger in static helplessness but do something minimal but with a purpose. I figured that I wanted to walked our friends dog, as stupid as it sounds it helped. My mind started clearing of negative thoughts after about a month and some hope started creeping in but was still not able to simply jump into another job, that required about 3-4 months. That's when I found out I was going to be a dad and though a bit stressed out some new determination kicked in. And some luck too, someone, an old manager I had moved to a new company and looked for me for a job. I explained I was going to be a dad and in addition to congratulations there was some promise of work-life balance. And it actually worked out, i'm still here now 5 years later.
The takeaway is that time is needed to recover and that this process can be extremely scary but could be eventually overcome by most of us. The reason I did burn out was because I did not have the intuition to quit that job earlier but at the time I did not know what that messy stressful job was about to do to me, now I know.
I wish it to be super hard and not cool tbh. If you want to get that kind of coolness then go 996 and stop complaining, please. Somebody might be disgusted about overpopulation of the Earth, btw.
In any case perhaps do try to get another job. You've got more time now than you'll have for the coming two years. Pay it now or suffer later.
Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and finances.
Thinking about caring for your new infant and partner's perinatal health are enough work already, and are far more important right now than your job anxieties.
The only solution for you right now is to understand your priorities. At the moment, the only thing that really and truly matters is your wife/partner's health and your baby. Focus on those for the first month.
After that, focus on the job.
Maybe it’s just the phrasing of this and it’s intended differently, but it seems like terrible advice. You should never put your own mental health last. If you’re in a hole you’re not going to be able to help anyone else. If OP has just found out they’re having a baby they likely have some time. If they use that time to focus on themselves and get themselves in a better position they can be in a much better mental state to help when the baby actually arrives. The statement I quoted reads like the OP doesn’t matter and he should accept that. But maybe I’m not understanding your intention fully.
His post expresses a great deal of anxiety over his financial circumstances and job performance -- which are valid, and, importantly, are problems that can be solved later. My intention was to convey that fretting about finding a new job or improving current job performance are NOT where OP's energy should be going right now, even if it seems on the surface like a new job will solve all of his problems.
OP should focus that mental energy on:
a) getting parental leave so that he can b) improve his mental health and c) support his partner and his new baby.
Good luck, OP! Just remember that you are not the only person who has ever become a new Dad, and you are going to get through this! I'm wishing you all the best for your family!
The partner who didn't give birth is there to take care of two mostly helpless human beings, one who just came into to the world and one who needs rest and TLC so they can rejoin the world quickly.
We're talking about human beings. Efficiency is not part of the equation. The perinatal period is the most physically (and very often mentally as well) dangerous period in a woman's life. Women to this day die from complications in childbirth.
The first six months after birth are incredibly difficult on a woman's body and mind. Women NEED their partners' help at this time, efficiency be damned.
Send me your resume, my email is in my profile. Happy to take a look.
Being a dad is a lot of work, but caring is the most important part. For the first few months finding sleep is very difficult, and supporting your spouse will be important, but other than that it's pretty simple.
It's good that you are freaking out now, it means you need to freak out less later.
I left a job with a few weeks to go until birth, which allowed me to prep in a different way, by fixing things around the house, preparing food, getting baby stuff etc. I accepted an offer back at BigCo the week baby arrived with a start date that was about two months out.
I definitely leaned into my savings, but I kind of valued not having my first kids birth being held over my head at a job that I wasn’t thrilled with.
Of course this was possible because my wife and I were both working and had solid savings cushions.
Happy to talk if you want, our kiddo is 3months this week and it’s been an amazing ride. Plenty of people have done it with fewer resources, you can do it OP!
Wouldn't even consider taking a more stressful job until the kids are older, as the trade-off isn't worth it.
All that being said, you need to factor in your partners job, and cost of living wherever you are.
For me, being a dad has been awesome, even through COVID, I hope you can find a way to enjoy it.
* if your baby is healthy, the first 2-3 years are not the most expensive years. You’ll predominately need to be present and support. This will give you time to change jobs and your lifestyle if necessary to increase your finances
* pre-school and primary school is expensive
* parenting is not terribly difficult however, if you are attentive and willing to have regular conversations with you partner (setting goals together, etc), you’ll be fine
I’m a dad with adult kids. Treat everything above as advice. Use what you want, throw out what’s not useful for you. All the best of luck mate!
I suspect you're better at your job than you think. I certainly wouldn't suffer having someone on the team I wanted to fire for 10 years. It does sound like you're tired of your job though.
Take whatever paternity leave you can. If you can afford one, look into getting a night nurse, which can help relieve the stress for you and the mother.
Since you've been at the job for 10 years, my guess is that if you can find another one, you'll likely be paid more. Interviewing is intimidating, but not everyone has a nightmare parade of leetcode questions. You're absolutely going to strike out at interviews. You just have to accept that, there are likely companies that you'd be a perfect fit for.
I don't know anything about your work now, but if you're looking for a place that gives you a little more breathing room, why not look into City/State/University jobs? Former classmates who took jobs working on city systems may not be making the most, but they got great benefits, good wlb, and a pension coming to them.
The good news is that the baby sleeps... a lot. You can only fill up so much time doing laundry, cleaning bottles, and doing dishes. You will have some free time, especially at the start. Use some of this time dusting off your resume and learning some things that interest you that you haven't had the chance to dig into previously. You should be free from the typical day-to-day work stresses so, if you're like me, this might actually be enjoyable. If you're already confident you dislike your job, maybe even try to get an interview or two scheduled during this time.
Once you're back to work you can evaluate with a clear head just how much you (dis)like your current job, and you should have a clearer idea of how close to the chopping block you truly are. Some employers have a knack for making you feel worthless even if you're incredibly valuable.
Make sure you're prioritizing your family; it's a lot easier to find another job. This is an very exciting time- enjoy it!
Saving this wisdom. I have worked for a few of them.
I guess your child is very different to mine or you are very different to me, but for at least the first two weeks there's really not enough time for everything, certainly not to get enough sleep. Doing some side work as well seems incomprehensible to me.
Some sleep like... er... babies, and some wake up every 1.5-2 hours and drive you crazy. :-)
You have a job, take a deep breath - but clearly you will want a new job sometime soon.
My advice is to focus on people - don't be shy or embarrassed about reaching out to everyone you've ever worked with or been friends with in the industry about how you're interested in new opportunities.
I found a job while my wife was preggers through the husband of an employee of a freelance client from years back. Most people like to help people when they can!
Apply the same belief in your dad abilities to your job abilities and I trust you'll land on your feet.
I just had my first kid earlier this year and I won't lie - the first three months were rough - but it's true what everyone says: sleep gets better, you and the mom support each other and learn together, and it starts to get fun and rewarding.
Hopefully your work provides some parental leave for fathers but even if they do, it sounds like you should at least update your resume and look into what other jobs are available.
No one is prepared to be a parent, really, unless you've had 2 kids already. People forget the tough stuff when they tell you their war stories from 20+ years ago. Truth is, everyone makes it up as they go along. Being a passable parent is somehow baked into our DNA, so with a little effort you'll make a good one, and with dedication a great one.
See if you can somehow coast at work. I don't mean, take advantage of anything, but the first 12-18 months of a child's life is not ideal for pushing hard on career. For the same reason, if you'd be thinking about changing jobs, I'd take it into account.
Stay at your job. Milk them for whatever paternity leave they will give you. And if you announce you are going on a long paternity leave, they are not going to fire you right before you leave. DO NOT SWITCH JOBS NOW.
When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. They did stupid stuff to us like bill both my wife and the child for all the same delivery line items ("guys, it was the same procedure!"). Get it to a reasonable number and put it on a payment plan.
Use the paternity leave to start looking for jobs. You'll have time and a clear head. And a much bigger perspective on life. You may even find that with the change, you were missed at work and that the burnout seems far and distant.
After that, having a kid is cheap. (At least at first). Get yourself a Costco membership. The first year we spent maybe $35 a month on diapers and $45 a month on formula. Clothes and furniture and toys other people will be stoked to provide for you. At tax season, enjoy getting a few thousand extra dollars back.
Welcome to the next phase of your life. I wish you and your growing family much happiness.
Even if direct nursing is going well, I highly recommend doing some pumping along the way from early on so that if/when she needs to be away from the baby for a few hours, it's not as big a deal.
Not everyone has an easy time of it though. They either can't produce any or not enough and the combination of this pressure and post-partum depression can be life-threatening. There's a lot more that goes into the decision to formula feed than cost.
It does get expensive if you have to pay for care. Not sure where you live OP, or what your support system is like from family, so that may or may not be an issue.
As someone who comes from a country with single-payer healthcare, this sentence made me feel really sad. I knew some people around the world have to pay for hospital trips, but for some reason I never even considered that having a baby could cost the parents money.
It will be hard. Find some way to reward yourself or you'll go insane.
You'll be happy down the line.
Let it come to you, be extra strong for the kid, and realize you will get tired from late night wakings, but let your bosses know. Ppl are more compassionate than you think if you are up front.
It sounds like you need a break and need a bit of a mental adjustment: you've likely spent a decade being undervalued (new hires almost always make more than long-serving employees).
Take what pat leave you can, max out vacation time, and sick days if you need to, decompress, and adjust to being a dad.
As soon as you feel ready, talk to management / owners and express these feelings. You'll get good feedback either way. Your goal is either to take a sabbatical and come back refreshed, with a raise, or take your notice period to find a new job.
Maybe it's time to move into management or shift into something slower, like government. Maybe it's time to move nearer to family -- grandpa and grandma might enjoy helping with childcare.
Calm down, face your fears, and change what you need to change in order to take care of your responsibilities.
Best of luck!
2) (Assuming you are in the US) If you can choose health insurance plans (annual enrollment this year and baby next year), check how your health insurance handles birth. There can be a massive difference in how much you pay out of pocket.
3) Plan to take parental leave. If your company offers it, take it... all of it. If it doesn't, budget to take three months off (but seriously, not less than half that). You and the mother won't be getting much sleep, there will be more to do, and last but not least, this is the only time your child will be a baby. This period is not something you can redo later.
4) Get your mental health in check. Your constant fear of losing your job and a low view of your worth suggests you may have some things to work through. Talk to mental health professionals, not just a friend or family member. You owe it to your child and family to be present and a positive influence.
Good luck.