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Ask HN: How can I stop pulling my hair?

5 points by sw104 ↗ HN
On and off for the last decade or so, I've had a somewhat destructive habit of pulling at my hair. I am a man with naturally curly hair, and as a result I usually have a bunch of hair on the top of my head that stands up like a crazy scientist. Sometimes it stands up in a way that only wetting it and drying it downwards with a towel gets it to go down.

I spend a lot of time pulling my hair sideways and downwards, in what my mind thinks is an attempt to flatten it down in a neater way. But sometimes I keep pulling even when it's all looking okay, so clearly there is something else to it..

I'm conscious whenever I pull at my hair, as one or two do come out each time I do so. Thankfully I have quite good genetics and the hair outgrows my pulling, so no patches, but I realise that won't last forever.

I've struggled for years to work out what the underlying cause of this is. I'm not particularly stressed, although it seems to be triggered whenever I do something that gets my brain working, or in times of stress (which is quite obvious). I've always been pointed to "trichotillomania", but it can't be this, as I don't pull hairs out on purpose. It's not on that level of severity.

Anybody else had something like this? And overcome it?

In the past I've overcome it, but it always comes back. It's like it's an inherent way of me dealing with something, but I can't work out what that is.

Lately I've also taken to biting my lips a lot, which could cause issues with my teeth and lips long term.

Could it just be a unique way of fidgeting? Am I in a constant state of boredom even if I don't feel I am?

7 comments

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daniel71l
A different take... Pylling the air might be a symptom if compulsive thoughts, makes with action. These thoughts are deep and come to you in situations of being not busy. Maybe the inner thoughts are related to not being connected to your emotions? There is hope, but i suppose we need to talk some more
tcppump
I want to give another vote to Atomic Habits by James Clear. An excellent book for understanding this sort of thing.

Also my ultra pragmatic suggestion would be: If you are uber serious about quitting, why not shave it off? That would certainly give you enough time to break the habit.

rolenthedeep
As an autistic person, this reads as "stimming". Sometimes your brain wants a little more sensory input, or a specific set of known and comforting inputs. There's a lot of situations that trigger stimming behaviors, notably stress or intense focus. I like to think about it as having something to ignore. Sort of like having the right music when you're in the flow, it feeds the part of your brain that filters out unnecessary sensory information. Otherwise it gets bored and starts messing with what you're trying to actively do.

Let me be clear: these behaviors are only bad insofar as they cause you distress. If you simply stop all of these behaviors, you'll probably not like the result.

What you should focus on is replacing destructive behaviors with less destructive ones. It's not terribly difficult, just reshaping an old habit.

First, find something that feels similar, maybe rubbing your knuckles down your arm, or pinching your leg. Doesn't really matter much what it is so long as you're comfortable with it. Every time you catch yourself pulling your hair, immediately move to the other stim. Don't stop to repremand yourself or think too hard about it, just build the link between behavior A and B. After a few weeks, focus on the feeling you get right before you pull your hair. Identify that, and try to link that to your second stim instead of pulling your hair. This will be difficult at first, but once you train yourself to associate the trigger with the new stim, it gets easy. After that, you just have to monitor yourself and keep reinforcing the new habit until it sticks.

In the long term, I suggest you focus on the sensation you get right before you pull your hair or bite your lips. This psychological trigger is associated with some physical or emotional state. Identify the trigger, then you can start to figure out what state it's representing. From there you can explore what in your environment is causing this state, maybe it's an external stressor that you can manage. Maybe it's associated with boredom or internal stress. You might find interesting answers down that rabbit hole.

sw104
Thank you so much for this.

I'd never heard of stimming before, but your first paragraph was exactly what I feel that I have. I just couldn't write it as clearly.

It seems to be caused by all sorts, as you suggest:- stress, focus, boredom. Because of that it just makes it seem like a habit that I'm always practicing as somewhat opposing moods (focus and boredom) trigger it.

I've never been diagnosed, but I've always shown signs of autism in general and I believe other people view me that way even if unspoken. Regardless, I read a bit more after reading what you've written, and found it's common to a lesser degree even without autism, so whether I am autistic or not, it doesn't matter.

I'll try to replace the stim with something else less destructive, like squeezing my wrist/bicep as that's something to do "on the way" to my hands reaching my hair. I think when I started biting/chewing my inner lip, this was something like that (ie. getting the same feeling as the hair pulling stim without as much time to move my hands about).

Thank you again. I had no idea about this and it's given me a great starting point to find out more and try to work around it.