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Ask HN: How did yall meet your SO?

58 points by yfh ↗ HN
First of all, sorry if this is off-topic.

I am pushing 30 and have been unable to find a partner. I just wanted to hear your stories (maybe some advices, too).

125 comments

[ 3.2 ms ] story [ 196 ms ] thread
airhangerf15
I haven't and I'm 40 (you insensitive clod!)
[deleted]
(comment deleted)
thfuran
Sometimes it feels like I've always known stack overflow.
ColinWright
I was at a ballroom dancing competition. I wasn't competing, I was there to support some friends, so during the free practice sessions between rounds I asked various women if they would care for a dance.

So my first words to the women who would become my wife were:

"Would you care for a quickstep?"

If you want to find a SO then you need to meet people. If you want to meet people you need to go where they are. So you need to have hobbies or activities that allow you to meet a wide range of people. You will already have at least one thing in common, so that's a start.

Go to a juggling club, or a walking club, or a dancing club. Play ultimate frisbee, join a maker space. Go and be where people are talking to each other.

Or use an on-line dating site and rely on the algorithms.

EDIT: We met when I was 32, we married when I was 39 ... there are storied to tell about the time in between, but this is not the place.

yfh
Thanks so much for the story

I want to, but I have no idea what hobbies to pickup or where to search for places where people hang. I walk for hours to fill the void, but I end up feeling even sadder.

ColinWright
If you walk on your own, or stay in on your own, then you won't meet people. To find someone you need to interact with people.

If you walk and walk and walk on your own, that's not going to help you meet people. I don't know where you are or what is around you, but is there a walking club? Is there a bridge club? is there a tennis club? Football?

It's almost axiomatic that if you want to met a SO then you need to meet people, so you need to find local clubs or societies that you can join.

Does your local library have a bulletin board with listings of clubs in the area?

Clearly it won't be easy because you haven't done it yet, but if you don't make the effort to find some way to interact with people, then you won't meet people, so you won't meet a (potential) SO.

anarticle
The hobby doesn't matter, pick one and go with it.
D-Coder
Meetup.com is free and has all kinds of interest groups. In my area, it has several dating / relationship groups.

NB, if you go to a "how to date / build a relationship" workshop or seminar, pretty much everyone there is single and looking.

rowborg
Met my wife of now 13 years at age 30 via a group dinner put together by a mutual friend. A good friend of mine just met the love of her life at age 39 via online dating. Don't stress about getting older; when you find the right person it will just click.

> I have no idea what hobbies to pickup or where to search for places where people hang.

I suggest that instead of finding a hobby that you think will help you meet people, you focus on what you love to do. If it's a solo activity (e.g. gaming, coding), go figure out how to do it socially (meetups, game nights, hackathons etc). Follow the stuff you love and use it to connect to people. It will allow you to be authentic and meet people who have the same interests as you and share your values.

Hang in there!

nrjames
Not sure where you live and whether there's an opportunity nearby, but curling is a ton of fun and a very social sport. Check to see if there's a local curling club and, if so, whether they have an instructional league. I really enjoy the sport but it's the people that I've met while doing it that have been the best part. There's a tradition called "broomstacking" that follows games, where the winning and losing teams all sit around a table and socialize (maybe have a beer, etc.). Being heavily Canadian influenced, the #1 rule is not to disparage anybody else. The rude and mean folks kind of self-select out.
KptMarchewa
Rock climbing/bouldering
jurassicfoxy
Second this. Bouldering is the MOST social sport on earth. Literally 80 % of the night is sitting around chatting. Plus it's full of young, fit, healthy people, and a good quantity of women. It's honestly perfect.
KptMarchewa
It's also insanely fun. It's literally the first sport I've not done because I've done whole lot of justifying in my head: that I need to do this for my health, to lose weight, it's good for me, or that while you do it it's kind of fun. I do it because I want it, and pretty much every session I leave wishing I was fresh right now and could climb some more.
jurassicfoxy
If you like long long walks, you could check out trail running / ultramarathon groups. Lots of people to meet at free running nights, which is twice a week at every running store. You don't even have to run! Just walk!

Do you have a dog? You could do dog training. Do you do art? You could take art classes. Do you like to code? (Obviously) Go to coding meetups. Do you like writing/poetry? Go to poetry / open mic night. Do you like games? Check out gaming stores for social events.

Do NOT expect to get dates at these places: that's a bad strategy. But try to meet friends at these places. You meet partners by proxy, and by having fun with your friends.

As a straight male: it's a lot easier to meet guys than to meet girls. Use that strategy.

twunde
One place to search is the local Parks and Rec website (for your town/city and potentially nearby ones). your town and/or library may also have their own separate events pages, which can be useful as well. Depending on your interests, it may also make sense to search for climbing gyms, dance classes, art classes and try them out. You can also find some things on Facebook and Instagram, but I find it hard to start out.
KyleJune
Do you have any hobbies currently? If so look around for places where you can do that hobby with others. I think the Meetup app is good for that. Another option would be finding or creating posts on your city subreddit or nextdoor app.

Don't have a hobby that is good to do with others? Find one. Don't be afraid to be bad at it at first, you'll get better at it overtime. This past year I picked up strength training and this spring I'm going to try rock climbing more. I was surprised by how much I enjoy strength training, going into it, I thought it would feel like a chore that would be difficult to keep doing.

yfh
I don't have any hobbies, I used to play games online but thats it. Maybe my problem, I don't know how to strike up a conversation with others (and maybe extend it beyond the the hellos).
simne
Begin with just attending nearby events, and read about networking from entrepreneurs.

You could also attend courses of sales persons, they teach people exactly to begin conversation and to got what you need (sure, most sales target sale, but you could target something other, for example to get contact or to begin conversation).

sujayk_33
I'm saving this thread to get all the possible places to find a bride for future me. (I'm 21 and single).
tenkabuto
Through Facebook Dating of all places, despite neither of us using Facebook much. We were each just curious about the service and how it compared to other online dating platforms. My spouse reverse catfished me by posting mostly unflattering photos. We chatted first as friends, then it got flirty.
pushcx
A friend's New Year's Eve party at age 31, though we didn't start dating for a year and a half. Don't sweat the time, the quality is all that matters.
nine_zeros
A friend of a friend came to visit SF. I said yes to hanging out with them. Spent next 2 weeks being a human instead of leetcoding/busywork for management. The visiting friend and I hit it off like we were childhood friends. The rest is history.

Best decision of my life!

simonbarker87
A level electronics class, first day made a b line to sit next to her and 20 years later we are still together. Sorry this isnt much help.

Most friends after later 20s have met through a mutual friend or a shared hobby/interest like tennis, CrossFit, hill walking, dancing etc. People meeting via apps hasn’t panned out well in the main.

hasoleju
When you are older and don't have too much time meeting people because of work apps are totally finde.

I know this is anecdotal but I have two couples in my circle of friends that met via app, one couple already married. The other one moving in together. Both met when they where over 30.

simonbarker87
It totally can work, but in the main my friends who have met people through them hasn’t gone well. The friends who have prioritised putting themselves in situations to meeting likeminded people seem to have a higher success rate (and a nicer less stressful time along the way)
AnhTho_FR
I'm just surprised no one said they met their SO on HackerNews...? :)
bruceb
Not that surprising. If most people are heterosexual and HN is heavily male.
jll29
Because it's HackerNews, not BakerNews... sadly, statistics posits there still isn't enough interest in hacking with girl geeks (although I know some boy geeks who are teaching their daughters how to program etc.).
a_t48
Tinder. Her first message was roasting the default Windows background I had in the background of some picture. Good times. :)
superfamicom
We met on Tinder, both with "joke" profiles and neither of us seriously "playing the game". We ended up meeting and hitting it off. That was a decade ago and through COVID and everything else there is no one else I would rather work from home with and spend my whole day with.
aba_cz
+2 for Tinder. Not me, I've met my wife through a mutual friend who knew both of us are single but 2 of my very good friends met their future wives there. Another terminally online friend met a girl on Discord in a game server. Started chatting, met in real life and the rest is history. Rest of my friends met offline: same hobby/friends/asking out in a bar/colleague/neighbor/etc.
blakblakarak
I’m English so naturally it involved the pub, spilt drinks, some terrible dancing and lots and lots of beer.
the_third_wave
Hm, been there, spilled a pint of Guinness (sorry Yvonne but why did you have to wear white trousers that day?) - don't try inline skating with two pints in an Irish pub with a cobblestone floor - but that did not seem to do the trick.
designerbenny
Live in a college town and be intriguing. People are consistent. Those who want to be in a committed relationship do so early. Waiting just filters for those who don't prioritize it.
pruetj
Church. I was living in Long Beach, about 23 years old. I had searched for community through CrossFit, work, etc. but just didn’t quite fit in right. Finally, I went back to church after not attending for about 5 years figuring I could meet some new people there. Became a Christian and met my wife, been married almost 8 years now.
meheleventyone
I met my wife when we were both drunk in a bar in my early 30s. Did the classic one night stand, dating, move in together, have a couple of kids then get married pipeline.

Good hygiene, reasonable social skills and then putting yourself in the position to meet people seem generally how things go.

jll29
> move in together, have a couple of kids then get married pipeline

I know you might be a geek, but that really isn't the definition of "one-night stand"...

meheleventyone
With that level of misplaced pedantry I don’t think you have the right to call anyone a geek!
brianm
Introduced by mutual friend
mixedmath
I met my wife when in college.

We've had a couple of friends who met and started dating through a figure skating class (not so common, maybe --- this is also where a couple people in my wife's friend's group came from).

xupybd
I met her at Church. We knew each other for years and from a friendship we were able to get to know each other. I asked her out, proposed on the second date and now we have two kids.
drewg123
I met my ex-wife because she was stuck in vi (and it wasn't her fault). I was the new sysadmin for her academic dept (in 1993), and she was a new grad student. We had DECstations with keyboards where there was no ESC key, and ESC was mapped to F11. I remember cutting her off mid "i'm in vi, and i.." and said "F11" without looking up. When I looked up, I realized how cute she was, and eventually worked up the courage to ask her out several years later, when I worked in a different department. I also made an FAQ that week pointing out that F11 was ESC :)

I met my fiance the Friday in March, 2020 when the pandemic started.. we were both on a coast to coast flight that got cancelled. I had an airline lounge membership, and I offered to bring her into the lounge where the lines to talk to a human to re-book where shorter than the 200+ person long line in the terminal. We became facetime friends/quarantine buddies (she lives 1000mi from me) and eventually we got engaged last year. When my son graduates from high school, I'll move to be with her.

tuanx5
Hinge. Had an awkward first date but a great second date where we debriefed the first one.
tootie
Met her first year of college, first date two years after graduating. Coming up on 20th wedding anniversary and looking at colleges for our kids.