On the topic of "support your friends", if there's a funeral for someone you weren't super close with but your friend knew well and you're not sure whether to go, I would recommend just going, sitting up the back, offering your condolences if the opportunity comes up, and leaving.
I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.
Depending on culture and the people, just going might be uncomfortable for the people you want to support. Maybe your friend was close with the deceased and thus their family would like them to be there, but not a stranger. Additionally, your friend or the family of the deceased may feel obligated to interact with you and make you feel welcome because you went. Maybe they’d prefer if you hadn’t gone.
I’d instead recommend asking your friend (though again, this advice may be culturally dependent). Be sure they know it’s about you supporting them.
I remember when a family member died and only one classmate asked me if I wanted them to come to the funeral. I refused but remember the gesture to this day. It’s about the only thing I remember about the person. I also remember a couple of other friends to whom I was closer not asking me, and that stuck with me because they both disliked and badmouthed (I don’t really know why, I avoided dumb drama) the original person. That made me rethink a lot of things.
Anyway, I guess the point is to think of what your friend would like and make sure they understand you’re there for them.
I wonder why this was written as these very small paragraphs with only a few lines of content? Apart from the hosting issues due to hackernews it leads to a lot of intros and 'in the next section we will learn...' but the actually useful content is quite little and you have to dig hard for it. I'd personally favor a normal article.
I've worked with lots of folks on the spectrum and to be honest it's more fun dealing with them as team members rather than "normies".
One guy particularly stands out, he joined the team and started off on a solo run with a couple of projects a few others were involved in. A few weeks later I asked him if he'd setup any meetings with the team to get context and, you know, say hello and his response was "why should I do that, can't they read my PRs?". Classic.
Another one was the very loudly self-diagnosed neurodiverse girl, who seemed to just use it as cover for being a total jerk. Eventually she had to be managed out, as she tipped the scale between doing good work and tolerance of odd behaviors too far - screaming in meetings, histrionics and stuff you'd expect more of someone living on a street corner.
I hope they cover managing your own emotions: staying calm, responding with empathy, and breaking avoidance patterns.
In my last few relationships, I've been having to do relationship coaching with partners because their parents failed to teach them responding with physical or emotional violence is not how you maintain friendships or relationships.
This is a very American society focused guide, a lot of these wouldn't even apply in Europe an especially not if you travel to Asia, Middle East, or Africa
I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork.
It is a bit unfortunate, as I'm not at all interested in talking about those things - but they are such staple topics, that you can come off as a sort of outcast if you can't keep a short convo on those things.
Another observation has been that some topics are very polarized. In some countries you can talk pretty freely about politics, while in other places it is a faux pas.
But then again, part of finding out what the other party likes talking about is a skill in itself.
Mask every day. Life goal: Be 100% artificial person. All openings and responses must be calculated and faked. Your inner self is faulty and not appropriate at any situation. Once you train and work hard enough to suppress it at all times forever, you may be accepted and allowed to participate.
A lot of "social skills" content drifts into pickup-artist-y territory, so it's refreshing when something frames it around comfort, support, and actual connection instead of just "winning" interactions
This is a bit of a long shot, but a lot my social embarrassment comes from my tendency to mumble / be hard to understand. Anyone on here have any experience with improving at that stuff?
For those who think they are decent at socializing, one book that may extend your skill further is ' Never split the difference'. Its a book about negotiating, but I think it does teach some key skills. Mirroring for example where you literally repeat back the last few words a person has said, I've found unexpectedly super useful - it almost allows people to expand on what they are saying and helps them go deeper into things. Basically the book (and other tools) has helped me become a better listener (I have always been decent at the talking side).
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-...
Note: I only 'mirror' 2-3 times in a conversation. I've found over using it makes it have less impact. But that's just me.
I think this guide is already failing people by assuming successfully initiated conversations and labeling it as "basic". If you have plenty of social contacts, that already warrants being considered "intermediate".
The really difficult things are maintaining good first impression and talking to (perceived) strangers. You know nothing about a person until you talk with that person, so what exactly are you supposed to do? There is a bootstrapping problem.
Classified ads are a good example. It's not like ebay, where you click a button and the delivered product is guaranteed to arrive a few days later. Instead you get a blank form of nothing, where you can write whatever you want and there is always the possibility of rejection. It's very much unlike any store you've ever visited, where money is king and the customer('s money) is always right.
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[ 4.6 ms ] story [ 37.4 ms ] threadso much for my social skills :(
I've failed to do this twice. Nobody else said or did anything, but I regretted it.
I’d instead recommend asking your friend (though again, this advice may be culturally dependent). Be sure they know it’s about you supporting them.
I remember when a family member died and only one classmate asked me if I wanted them to come to the funeral. I refused but remember the gesture to this day. It’s about the only thing I remember about the person. I also remember a couple of other friends to whom I was closer not asking me, and that stuck with me because they both disliked and badmouthed (I don’t really know why, I avoided dumb drama) the original person. That made me rethink a lot of things.
Anyway, I guess the point is to think of what your friend would like and make sure they understand you’re there for them.
One guy particularly stands out, he joined the team and started off on a solo run with a couple of projects a few others were involved in. A few weeks later I asked him if he'd setup any meetings with the team to get context and, you know, say hello and his response was "why should I do that, can't they read my PRs?". Classic.
Another one was the very loudly self-diagnosed neurodiverse girl, who seemed to just use it as cover for being a total jerk. Eventually she had to be managed out, as she tipped the scale between doing good work and tolerance of odd behaviors too far - screaming in meetings, histrionics and stuff you'd expect more of someone living on a street corner.
In my last few relationships, I've been having to do relationship coaching with partners because their parents failed to teach them responding with physical or emotional violence is not how you maintain friendships or relationships.
It is a bit unfortunate, as I'm not at all interested in talking about those things - but they are such staple topics, that you can come off as a sort of outcast if you can't keep a short convo on those things.
Another observation has been that some topics are very polarized. In some countries you can talk pretty freely about politics, while in other places it is a faux pas.
But then again, part of finding out what the other party likes talking about is a skill in itself.
It’s so unbelievably straightforward and useful. It’s unfortunate that I discovered it after learning everything the hard way.
Don't try to qualify people.
Do not let others feel contempt.
Don't speak any words outside what someone would commonly be able to accept.
Suppression of ego so others are not uncomfortable. Knowing when to not suppress it if others think you are fake.
Note: I only 'mirror' 2-3 times in a conversation. I've found over using it makes it have less impact. But that's just me.
The really difficult things are maintaining good first impression and talking to (perceived) strangers. You know nothing about a person until you talk with that person, so what exactly are you supposed to do? There is a bootstrapping problem.
Classified ads are a good example. It's not like ebay, where you click a button and the delivered product is guaranteed to arrive a few days later. Instead you get a blank form of nothing, where you can write whatever you want and there is always the possibility of rejection. It's very much unlike any store you've ever visited, where money is king and the customer('s money) is always right.