Ask HN: How to be alone?
There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
Another is that weekends are hard. I used to be in a house filled with life each weekend, and now it's me and my dog (and my cat, when he decides to grace me with his presence). Having animals helps somewhat, but it's still hard simply being alone with myself for ~60 hours.
I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do. My default action is to play games, but it feels empty, both because I used to be able to play games alongside someone else and because I have no one to share the cool moments with.
I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required. All I can say is that I haven't ever lived that way. I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person.
There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).
Everything feels hollow now. That's the main thing that's hard to adjust to. I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that, or just to hear stories from other people who have had to undergo similar situations. In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.
I was hoping to hear from anyone in the community who's transitioned from a family dynamic to being on your own, and to learn from any lessons you've picked up along the way. Or just to hear some stories in general about your experiences. Thanks.
348 comments
[ 1.1 ms ] story [ 126 ms ] threadI would say that hobbies are a good shout. Especially those that result in the production of something physical whether it is a knitted item, a wooden thing or whatever. Also very good to take up a musical instrument. I was put off music for decades but am finally playing something.
Online socials are no real substitute for meeting in person. I've learnt that the hard way. If you want socialisation, then consider night classes (especially spoken language since they are interactive), writing groups, and joining societies. If you are religious, consider joining a congregation (mileage may vary so shop around), if not there are atheist groups that do meetups and secular sunday services etc. If you need to, take the initiative and start up your own group. I have done this for nearly four years now and it is still working well.
Get out into nature, not just manicured parks and artificial environments.
• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.
You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.
I haven’t gone through the same transformation, but here is my recommendation: find something you truly want to build, or change, or whatever, and go for it. You are now free to do whatever you want. Trace your thoughts to your youth, to your childhood, and find something you were excited about, long before you met your sweetheart, and go for it.
Not related, but one thing that’s comforted me in the past is that one’s brain physiologically responds to these changes like an addiction withdrawal — and one has to endure a cocktail of hormones and awful feelings but those will subside, with time, even if you make no changes to your life at all.
It goes without saying that some new groups to socialize with would help, but that’s a lot easier said than done :) It’s also important for you to believe — emotionally, not logically — that things will get better. This is difficult. Depression can lead to black-and-white thinking in areas that it doesn’t belong, so I feel it’s essential to combat this if it’s something you’re seeing. One thing that helps a lot is trying to have your expectations violated in a pleasant way.
Specifically — rather than tunneling on a hobby you’re interested in, I think it’s surprisingly valuable to join a group around something you think you might kinda like, but don’t like too much. (D&D would be an example for me.) Things will rarely turn out the way you expect, and I think if you go in with a lower bar for success, you leave more room for yourself to be pleasantly surprised and feeling hopeful and open.
If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house.
Call your parents daily if you can.
There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”.
Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill.
You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!
2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.
3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.
Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.
Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.
I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Random heart palpitations, breathing being off, etc. all lined up. I'm so thankful that my doctor had the experience and courage to tell me like it is and refused to believe it was anything truly serious. I brought it down to 5.5% in a few months and now have new cooking and eating habits for life. Too much alcohol can also lead to vitamin deficiencies (magnesium, potassium, zinc, etc. will need blood tests to confirm).
I kinda let myself go for a few years during the shift to remote work back in 2020. After I got back on track I even gained some muscle without weight loss and no longer have sleep apnea. Sleep quality and hydration are also important things that we forget when we are in a slump.
I went on a fiber tear, and it helped with my A1C. Chia seeds and lentils ftw!
Whenever I feel down I try to redirect those thoughts into some new thing that I can do now. Nothing is ever 100% negative. Find those positives, dig them up and display them.
I get through by getting into every single thing I couldn't do before. Just like when I turned 18, I went to every place I could find to get carded. Even a great relationship is work and compromises are made, and it's hard to find the time to do all the things.
This weekend I dug out my trip collection I wasn't allowed to display. I pulled out old photos and hangers that didn't make sense for our blended family but now it's just what I want. I bought some used golf clubs. I rearranged the whole house to suit me (and to fill in the empty parts).
I'd bet your dog never seen either the snow or the beach, so take a whole trip just to do it. Learn to play drums. Spend hours at a bookstore. During a bad breakup some years ago, I volunteered for a campaign and went knocking on doors. Not only did I not get shot but I made some friends, too.
Revel in this phase. Because this will also pass and you'll find something else eventually (if you want to). I'm trying to be the most single I can be to really appreciate this time and learn from it.
You know, looking back at my life so far I realize.. all of my best stories were from my single days.
I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted.
A dog is a great companion as well.
Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you.
Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.
Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.
I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.
Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.
You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".
Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.
Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.
Things that I've tried:
* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill
* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.
* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.
* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.
* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.
* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.
* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.
Things I've tried and don't work
* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).
* Pubs / bars as above
* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.
If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!
1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.
2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".
And one piece of advice:
1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.
I can absolutely stand by this statement after dating an avoidant. The constant push-pull drove me nuts and brought out the worst in me.
Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.
Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.
Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.
I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?
I’ve had friends who have been on cocktails like these, and one of them once said something like, “I’ve been depressed before, and this is not that. I’m not depressed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to be depressed. This is more like a total emotional blank slate.”
She was basically a robot for a few months. Incapable of really any emotions, including sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc. Suffice to say, she also didn’t have the emotional drive to push her towards positive things like deciding on how to spend her weekend free time.
Thankfully she’s changed her meds and is feeling overall better (if, admittedly, at the price of some emotional stability).
When I went through depression I refused meds, self medicated with weed (don't take it as medical advice) and got through the end of it.
I'd blame the meds and recommend gently weaning off them. Once you feel better rebuilding a social life is absolutely possible.
Best of luck with everything
I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.
Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.
Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.
When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.
The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.
Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.
Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.
Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-mind, full of purity.
-- Yoga Vasistha
PS: Some of my previous comments which are relevant here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40978488 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44987175 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41538322 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29777785 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32918811