I'm at a crossroad. I either kill myself or I find some kind of way out of here. No matter the choice, thank you HN. So far, you've been the cornerstone of my life.
If it all doesn't matter anymore anyway, then you got nothing to lose. Find (psychedelic) shrooms somewhere, eat a portion, and reconsider your choice after your trip.
Best answer on here. Good on you for sharing. I would add that taking a shroom trip when you are disturbed is not recommended, but maybe with a friend it might be better.
I ate some psychedelics once while depressed hardly (sometimes it went into strong panic attacks), it was worst trip I ever had. I was just had to wait when it end up. But when it was gone I finally realized a lot of things about myself, about my life. It was clearest moment, like puzzles finally formed, everything became understandable. Like I was holding my breath all time and finally exhaled. I understood what it was destroying me inside and throwed it away. It just saved me a life.
Oh for sure it left me with some lessons about myself after the fact. But in hindsight I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they have a very seasoned therapist present (not just a sitter) and plan to go fully medical with it or not at all.
Sometimes the _day_ that you feel most suicidal is perhaps not the time to engage with psychedelics, but if you can peel yourself up a little, it can offer great perspective.
Medical is scary to me honestly. Psychedelics shouldn't be so clinical, and fearing them is only fearing yourself.
If you have loved ones, that suggestion can work. If you know your (x) loves you, then you think about the pain they will feel when you're gone it can sway your thoughts.
I've been through some rough times and luckily made through (with lots of help).
The general feeling afterwards was that my perception of reality had been totally limited to the issues in front of me, and that life was bigger than just that.
For me, it's a process of learning to distrust my negative emotions. Afterwards they always seem unfounded.
I don't know anything but your situation but, based on my own experience and that of others, my advice is to take it easy, slow down and dial back your expectations about whatever is that you have/had high expectations. That will clear your mind and you'll be able to see better soon.
There is a practical exercise I do while driving. As almost everybody else, I don't like to stay behind slow/unsure drivers and that gets me really stressed. While I'm stressed, I try to think "I do not want to be in front of this driver, the few seconds this will get me will not be worth the amount of trouble I'm having (or will have)." I'm essentially trying to remove that desire from the situation, then everything is okay and life moves on.
Relax, take it easy, it'll pass and you'll learn. My best regards.
"The general feeling afterwards was that my perception of reality had been totally limited to the issues in front of me, and that life was bigger than just that."
This, it has been the similar case with me. I really thought that my life is completely ruined, with no chance of saving myself. People I trusted told me how fucked my future is if I don't do anything to fix it. They called me a monster for doing things they don't expect anyone doing. My parents believed that they must have fucked up my upbringing somehow.
So I spent my last day, said good bye to all my friends. Had my last lunch, and then went to kitchen to end it all. In my head I have clear memory of everything until the moment I picked up the knife. After that, I don't really remember much, but I didn't do anything.
It would be hard to believe but I was in sixth grade when this happened, and all the stuff I was talking about were my grades(and the monster thing was my parents caught my masturbating).
Years down the road, when I got my first beej, I looked back and realized man I am so glad that I didn't kill myself, and if it ever comes down to another moment like that, there's no way I am ever killing myself.
Lol, ok so I am sure the adult me's rationalizations for living life are a lot different than that of a horny 18yr old's. I maybe embarrassed to think that there was a time when I thought life is worth living, if only it means I could get laid once more, but I am not ashamed of it. However, I am ashamed of thinking that life isn't worth living when I thought bad grades meant end of my life.
These days, I use a simple trick or process whenever I continuously revaluate my life. Everytime I see someone with my background or someone I can connect with, get into deep shit, I put myself in their shoes and think "if I was Ross Ulbricht, would I not think that life is worth living?", "What reason would I have to live if I got sentenced as much as Aaron Schwartz was facing?", "What if I was trapped on WTC buildings, with smoke coming out of everywhere, would I jump?", "What if I had inoperable cancer and I was gonna die within next few months?".
It is one of the most cathartic measures you can take. Every single time when I think of myself in the shoes of these people, I realize that I wouldn't kill myself no matter what. I would write books from prison, communicate with the rest of the world through letters, if I ever went there for doing things like Aaron Schwartz or Ross Ulbricht. If death seemed close then I would take those last moments of my life and all the moments which gave me pleasure, I will go through all the cherished memories instead of taking the quicker way out.
I don't know what you're going through, but the sheer fact that you made this post means you would wanna read the comments in this thread before you quit. You made a throwaway because you don't want people to infer your real identity or judge you while you're alive. I also know that other comments which simply say "call hotline" would barely convince you to call the hotline. You made a post on HN, this IS your hotline. Telling a HNer to call suicide hotline is like telling a Linux user to call tech support line.
BUT, here's one suggestion I can make. If you do call hotline or make more posts or talk to other people, you will get the same pleasure as you did while reading responses of this thread, except you can talk in more detail with them and be more specific. I promise you that it would be more fun than this thread.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
1-800-273-8255
There is always a way out without killing yourself. Whatever the other path is, however emotionally difficult it may seem, is better than killing yourself. Talk about what you're feeling, call a hotline now. It gets better I promise. If you have anyone in your life, think about how it will make them feel to lose you, don't put them through it.
If you're in the US (or even if not if the 800 system works everywhere I think) don't hesitate to call right now and talk to someone who is ready to hear you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
1-800-273-8255
Here are several other countries hotlines if you're somewhere else or feel more comfortable sharing how you feel in another language.
1 (800) 273-8255. Call this number. They are the national suicide prevention hotline. The are lovely people. They've heard it all. I've called them several times over the years. It's hard to talk to them, it might be a few minutes of silence. But it's worth it. They are there to help.
You're making the first step in the right direction. Seeking help. To be cliche, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life sucks a lot sometimes. And sometimes we need help to get through the worst of it. But keep fighting. You're worth it.
This is a better path to try first.
How can we help?
What's the biggest problem, what types of solution can you see that remove that problem? Assuming you are allowed to do anything, e.g. move to another country freely, become a farmer or charity worker, live with distant relatives etc.
way i think of it is that its in nature that anything that has a life in it does what it takes to continue its life. there are reasons to want to die, but even while dying (no matter the reason) your soul will continue to fight to live.
The moment when you were sure it should be over will look strange in retrospect, and you will be most grateful for even little things you decided to stay around for: the first day of summer, what happens in the new episode of Empire, etc.
Once you get out of there, you might think you would even want to live your life locked inside an empty room for the rest of your life, because even that might be infinitely better and more worthwhile than not living at all.
Finding some kind of way out of here holds way more interesting possibilities than killing yourself. The world is big and varied, and lots of it is interesting and enjoyable.
123 comments
[ 4.8 ms ] story [ 199 ms ] threadImagine in a few months how looking back you'd feel you were too extreme.
Get in contact with someone: http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk
And if you feel like it tell us what's up.
Find a way out, use your creativity. The pain you feel now can be a powerful motivator to radically change your situation.
It saved my life.
Needless to say, this is bad advice.
Sometimes the _day_ that you feel most suicidal is perhaps not the time to engage with psychedelics, but if you can peel yourself up a little, it can offer great perspective.
Medical is scary to me honestly. Psychedelics shouldn't be so clinical, and fearing them is only fearing yourself.
That said, they're not for everyone.
Staying alive for others while you don't want to live only makes matters worse.
Live because you want to, not because of what other people want.
We know that telling someone with a phobia "don't be scared of that thing" doesn't work.
Why do we think that merely saying "think of your family. They love you" will be effective?
I've been suicidal. Thinking of friends and family helps keep me alive. But everyone's not like me.
The general feeling afterwards was that my perception of reality had been totally limited to the issues in front of me, and that life was bigger than just that.
For me, it's a process of learning to distrust my negative emotions. Afterwards they always seem unfounded.
I don't know anything but your situation but, based on my own experience and that of others, my advice is to take it easy, slow down and dial back your expectations about whatever is that you have/had high expectations. That will clear your mind and you'll be able to see better soon.
There is a practical exercise I do while driving. As almost everybody else, I don't like to stay behind slow/unsure drivers and that gets me really stressed. While I'm stressed, I try to think "I do not want to be in front of this driver, the few seconds this will get me will not be worth the amount of trouble I'm having (or will have)." I'm essentially trying to remove that desire from the situation, then everything is okay and life moves on.
Relax, take it easy, it'll pass and you'll learn. My best regards.
This is very important.
OP, take a step back and focus on this.
This alone.
This, it has been the similar case with me. I really thought that my life is completely ruined, with no chance of saving myself. People I trusted told me how fucked my future is if I don't do anything to fix it. They called me a monster for doing things they don't expect anyone doing. My parents believed that they must have fucked up my upbringing somehow.
So I spent my last day, said good bye to all my friends. Had my last lunch, and then went to kitchen to end it all. In my head I have clear memory of everything until the moment I picked up the knife. After that, I don't really remember much, but I didn't do anything.
It would be hard to believe but I was in sixth grade when this happened, and all the stuff I was talking about were my grades(and the monster thing was my parents caught my masturbating).
Years down the road, when I got my first beej, I looked back and realized man I am so glad that I didn't kill myself, and if it ever comes down to another moment like that, there's no way I am ever killing myself.
Lol, ok so I am sure the adult me's rationalizations for living life are a lot different than that of a horny 18yr old's. I maybe embarrassed to think that there was a time when I thought life is worth living, if only it means I could get laid once more, but I am not ashamed of it. However, I am ashamed of thinking that life isn't worth living when I thought bad grades meant end of my life.
These days, I use a simple trick or process whenever I continuously revaluate my life. Everytime I see someone with my background or someone I can connect with, get into deep shit, I put myself in their shoes and think "if I was Ross Ulbricht, would I not think that life is worth living?", "What reason would I have to live if I got sentenced as much as Aaron Schwartz was facing?", "What if I was trapped on WTC buildings, with smoke coming out of everywhere, would I jump?", "What if I had inoperable cancer and I was gonna die within next few months?".
It is one of the most cathartic measures you can take. Every single time when I think of myself in the shoes of these people, I realize that I wouldn't kill myself no matter what. I would write books from prison, communicate with the rest of the world through letters, if I ever went there for doing things like Aaron Schwartz or Ross Ulbricht. If death seemed close then I would take those last moments of my life and all the moments which gave me pleasure, I will go through all the cherished memories instead of taking the quicker way out.
I don't know what you're going through, but the sheer fact that you made this post means you would wanna read the comments in this thread before you quit. You made a throwaway because you don't want people to infer your real identity or judge you while you're alive. I also know that other comments which simply say "call hotline" would barely convince you to call the hotline. You made a post on HN, this IS your hotline. Telling a HNer to call suicide hotline is like telling a Linux user to call tech support line.
BUT, here's one suggestion I can make. If you do call hotline or make more posts or talk to other people, you will get the same pleasure as you did while reading responses of this thread, except you can talk in more detail with them and be more specific. I promise you that it would be more fun than this thread.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
To get help via SMS, text "START" to 741-741
From one person with suicidal thoughts to another: please don't do this.
Call a suicide hotline right now: http://mefiwiki.com/wiki/ThereIsHelp
Change career if need be. Change country. Change friends. Change. Did you ever visit another continent? Take time off. Better than taking life off.
When interviewing people who tried to kill themselves and didn't succeed, 99.99% say that they regret it and that they would not have done it again.
There is always a way out without killing yourself. Whatever the other path is, however emotionally difficult it may seem, is better than killing yourself. Talk about what you're feeling, call a hotline now. It gets better I promise. If you have anyone in your life, think about how it will make them feel to lose you, don't put them through it.
If you're in the US (or even if not if the 800 system works everywhere I think) don't hesitate to call right now and talk to someone who is ready to hear you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255
Here are several other countries hotlines if you're somewhere else or feel more comfortable sharing how you feel in another language.
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
You're making the first step in the right direction. Seeking help. To be cliche, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life sucks a lot sometimes. And sometimes we need help to get through the worst of it. But keep fighting. You're worth it.
Find someone to talk to:
http://www.7cupsoftea.com/ http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk
We're here too, if you'd like.
This is a better path to try first. How can we help?
What's the biggest problem, what types of solution can you see that remove that problem? Assuming you are allowed to do anything, e.g. move to another country freely, become a farmer or charity worker, live with distant relatives etc.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Once you get out of there, you might think you would even want to live your life locked inside an empty room for the rest of your life, because even that might be infinitely better and more worthwhile than not living at all.
Best wishes.