It might help you to know that you're in good company. For many people, the natural circadian rhythm is slightly longer than the standard 24 hours, so without conscious effort the daily cycle actually would shift back by 10-30 minutes vs clock time, e.g. https://www.howsleepworks.com/how_circadian.html
I was like that in my twenties in well, now it's no longer an issue. I dunno if it's because I got my life in order (much more excercise now) or if it has just changed with age.
More recent jobs I have been told I am not coding quick enough, and being grilled because something took 2X or 3X that they expected done in X. Not sure if I am slow, have slowed down, or remained the same speed and now expectations are a lot faster, or it is more transparent with time logging in JIRA being a big thing now.
What I do different to other coders I have noticed when doing code reviews is I do a lot less copy/paste and like to think about how to put code together in a better way. I also find it hard to do boring work fast, I get distracted. I also find it hard to focus in a noisy office so that can slow me down too. Some joker comes up and makes some jokes and all the state I have built up in my head is lost.
One trick I've learned is to write out, (in a structured comment), what I am going to do an how I'm going to do it _before_ actually writing the code.
It seems redundant but it actually forces me to do a quick think-through of what's happening. Plus distractions get a lot easier to handle: I just need to read what I've written down to reload the context.
Paradoxically, I've found that this method of typing out _more stuff_ actually helps me finish much faster.
I second this. Over time and struggling with concentration in bullshit jobs, I've learned following tricks when I feel stuck and/or stressed out:
- I have an org-mode document with a TODO list and project notes always open. Whenever I'm stuck, I'll start decomposing the task into smaller and smaller TODO items, simultaneously with doing a written brainstorm. Sometimes I'll write out a hundred lines of text, but it does help me get unstuck.
- Similar to what you mention, I frequently write a TODO list in comment as a scaffolding in the file I work on, and I then proceed to fill the space between TODO items with appropriate code.
(off-topic) Org mode is really amazing. I've transitioned almost completely from Emacs to Vim over the last few years but I still have Emacs on my dock only because of `org-mode`. I've tried substitutes in vim but nothing really works.
(back on topic) Another advantage of writing comments is coming back to the code becomes so much easier. I can re-read the comments and understand what's going on much faster.
To do this properly I've developed a simple system of 'categories' that allow me to structure the comments properly. I think they works really well. For anyone curious - here's an example in my last weekend project: https://github.com/theproductiveprogrammer/luminate
Check out the comments in the code (`main.js`). I think they make the code much easier to understand and maintain. It's almost an alternative to TDD - Comment Driven Design (CDD!)
If people are doing a lot of copy-and-paste or boilerplate, then it sounds like a management issue. I suspect other people are in the same boat as you and are just hacking up anything that works and Just Ship It(tm) to look good.
This is a modern version of an old problem, now with all the micromanagement tracking and Github stats, etc. But it's all equivalent to the practice of counting lines of code. And it's wrong for all the same reasons.
My answer to this is the same for the last 10+ years. Management needs to read The Mythical Man-Month and internalize it, and you need to find a new job.
Too many companies out there think they can run their bloated organization as lean as a startup with all the cruft a "best practices" operation has. Unit tests, end-to-end tests, proper QA, peer review, various code sign-offs, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, Joe Bob Developer at Startup Inc. has root access to the prod server and pushed to prod three times before lunch.
I struggle with feeling like I never know enough. The more I learn the more it feels there is to know. As a result even as I learn more and more, I feel dumber and dumber :D
Dunning-Kruger also has a flip side where the people who are most capable consider themselves far less capable than they are (possibly because of this very effect where the more you know, the more aware you are of the things you don't know).
I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are.
I have 8 year old triplets. It's tough work, but very rewarding.
On the attractiveness front, I have a still very attractive wife that takes care of herself. I think a lot of your worries are in the selection of a partner. And of course, you must keep up your end of the bargain, so lead by example, stay fit. It's a partnership, after all.
At the time I met my wife, I was dating quite a bit and had many options, but she just clicked with me immediately. She was gorgeous, and a genuinely-compassionate person. We don't post lovey #YOLO posts to each other on Instagram. We argue a lot, that's fine, we work through it. We stay committed.
I guess my point here is that nothing comes easy. It takes nurturing and humility.
Sometimes, when I'm alone and introspecting and my thoughts venture a little dark, I ask myself if I could turn back time would I do it again, or would I stay a swinging bachelor? And so far, my answer has always been "Hell yes, I would do it again".
Thank you for your reply. If I may ask, did your wife change mentally after having kids? I know several men whose wifes have been outgoing and universally interested, while after having kids, they are only interested in their kids, much less anything else.
She did change. She's a bit more moody and stressed now. She is a stay-at-home mom, so that is most of her life, but I encourage her to grow and do others things, be it go into town, do volunteer work, or take some classes. Whatever.
I want her to be the best person she can be, and that will involve more compromise on my part: hosting a single dad's night with the kids, entertaining the kids more, cooking dinner, washing the dishes. Had a long day at work and the dishes need to be done? Beat her to it and do them. It'll pay dividends.
You are/will be with a human being with flaws and complex emotions. Try to be patient, vulnerable, and understanding. And DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY, stay faithful.
That said, I'm a crappy husband. I'm often moody myself, stressed, a bit of a dick. I try not to beat myself up too bad anymore. I treat everyday like that Groundhog's Day movie. I just try to be better the next day and make my apologies when I need to.
Find the beauty in all the flaws and frailty of humans. Good luck.
It can definitely be a challenge. My wife and I waited a long time (10 years) before having a kid. There have been a number of unexpected medical things that have complicated the past ~4 years. I love my son a lot, but I also would have been happy to be just a husband. I think you need to decide what's important to you and whether a child makes that better or worse. Having kids to meet some kind of social norm or expectation is definitely not a good plan (although I'm sure it can work out ok in some situations).
Kudos to you for being forthright enough to say this. It helps those considering children to be able to speak to those who in retrospect might have stayed non-parents. The problem is finding such people to talk with b/c the narrative in our present society (at least in the US) is that such an admission is somehow wrong or improper.
My wife is gorgeous but I gotta say - once you have kids, there is a very good chance you are in for a HUGE 'demotion' in terms of the attention you can expect to give and receive. There are far too many times I literally can't remember the last time my wife and I had a fun conversation not involving kids, school, housework. The impact on your married relationship will be non trivial. There are (hopefully) great benefits from working through all those kid-issues as a team.
I don't regret having kids, but this really caught me by surprise, and not until several years after our first was born did it really sink in how our relationship had changed and how long that phase lasts. (well beyond the infant/toddler years)
I don't know what to tell you. I love my kids, and i would absolutely make the same decision over again, but a lot of what you said rings true. Kids are a burden. Of course they are. They're not self sufficient. You literally have to carry them around for the first 2 years. I found your unattractive moms comment a bit shallow, but let's talk about it. Everyone ages, looks don't last forever regardless of kids. The more crucial point is, having kids will change your relationship with your partner. You'll no longer be the centre of her world. It's not an easy transition to make, and it leads to break ups. Your sex life will suffer. So will your social life, sleep, and hobbies. But once you look your first born child in the face those things don't seem that important anymore.
Think your life as a sine and happiness and sadness is the high and low. Having children multiples the amplitude. You will feel happier you ever thought by simply watching them. You will be able to cry on stupid endoftheworld movies because kids. You will walk out of your house at 2 am because otherwise you would hurt those little fkers. You won't sleep well for years. You will be able to squat one more series if you imagine you're saving them with that.
To summarize you will get more _life_ out of having kids with all the highs and lows that life naturally contains.
If you aren't sure if you want kids or not and your partner is the same, you probably shouldn't have them. A lot of people get intense pressure from their family to have kids so it can be a very difficult decision to make.
Honestly, I think your mindset needs to change. Namely the mindset that having 'burdens' is bad. A burden is a responsibility that's unwanted. Credit card debt is a burden, because you are responsible to pay and you don't want it. Children are certainly a responsibility, but whether they're a burden depends on whether or not you want them. If you don't want them, then of course they're a burden. If you do want them, they are a responsibility, and wanted responsibilities are not burdens.
The opposite of an unwanted responsibility (a burden) is a wanted responsibility. Another word for wanted responsibility is investment. For example, the CEO of a startup has a wanted responsibility to make their company succeed. This is an investment that could pay off big time if they put in the work now.
Thus, whether children are a burden or investment is really up to your mindset.
1) Get a pet, preferably a dog. See if you can handle the responsibility. Be a good dog owner, train your dog well. If you cannot do a dog, then a child is out of the question.
2) I regret not starting to have kids earlier, as I wish I had more.
3) What kids want most is your time, not STUFF. So yes your free time goes away, but it does come back as they get older.
As another viewpoint from the other responders here; we decided not to have kids and no regrets 20 years in, quite the opposite. Luckily where we are from it does not have as much stigma as in other places as most our friends do not have kids.
I think it is important to make up your mind (with your current significant other; another relation might swing your opinion, it happens a lot); I know many people where one of the two wanted kids (usually the woman but in some cases the man) and that ended up badly after getting kids; sometimes a long time after, but when you get older you notice this 1/3rd divorce thing is real and with those couples the fights (I sat on the embarrassing end of dinners at friends...) ends with something like ‘but you took away my youth’.
Too many people still have a baby to save the relationship; maybe it works for some, but it didn’t for the people I know anyway.
As for a burden; I know people get a lot of satisfaction from kids. If I had them I would be full in as I do with everything. Probably so would you. It is more important to think of your future plans and ambitions maybe; my wife and myself are people with a lot of plans, always had those and we wanted to execute them. I do not believe in having kids and then having them raised by the nanny and boarding school. Children simply did not fit; if we would have had ‘an accident’, we always said we would have kept her/him and would’ve had a second one and change our planning to ‘settle down’. Accidents did not happen and we were free to follow our planning and not ‘settle down’.
Meh, it is not as hard as it seems. Just get yourself 2 kids in quick succession. Adding second one will be both easier than getting first and it will highlight how silly it was to feel that it is difficult when it was just one. Also they will play with each other while you watch TV and drink beer.
Those witty comments about the burden of kids are just humble bragging (I hope that is the right word).
I think having kids is the best thing ever. But try to also have time for them and connect. I think some dads struggle, who are hardly ever around.
For example I didn't expect the first year to be very interesting, but actually a lot of things happened and a lot of phases happened and then were over forever (like having the baby sleep on your belly), so now I pity dads who miss out on all of that.
As for wives turning unattractive - having kids is a great source for fights, it definitely can be a strain on the relationship. The problem is, it is easy to be forgiving about stuff concerning yourself. For your kid, not so much - if you believe ice cream is instantly going to give your kid diabetes, and the mum believes touching an iPhone will immediately fry its brain and forever turn the kid into a zombie, it is difficult to be forgiving.
Also, lets face it, the mother will have you by the balls, because she can threaten to walk out and take kids (and probably also the house) at any time.
Many mothers still look hot, but perhaps, once they have you by the balls, there is less incentive to stay in shape. I don't know...
The struggle and burden is real, though most people wrongly assume that it is a linear function of the number of kids. It isn't so bad. The first one upturns your life. The second and third are much less trouble. After that, the only thing you notice is when you outgrow a vehicle. I'm at a 15-passenger van now, which is hard to outgrow before the oldest kids learn to drive.
Once you have a couple kids, you might as well have a dozen.
By "unattractive moms" do you refer to flabby bellies? Yeah, that happens... but then again, to some extent it happens anyway, and we all end up looking awful in the end. If you meant presentation (makeup, hair style, high heels...) then I don't know what to say because I purposely picked a woman with a plain all-natural style.
11 kids, wow! By "unattractive moms" I mean women that have nothing in their mind but their kids, while they used to be smart and universally interested before becoming a mom. I find this transition sad.
> Once you have a couple kids, you might as well have a dozen.
You make completele sense. But you didn't; at one time.
It took a lot of convincing before we had our first one. I was terrified and completely worried about everything all the time.
The second also took some convincing. But after he came; I really felt like I could handle anything. After a few months of both; I no longer had these worries about adding more kids. I don't think there's much difference between 2+ and 20.
I don't think anyone can definitively say whether having kids will make your life overall better or worse though we are culturally programmed to think it's always positive but the reality is not always that way. Though there will always be a bit of a what if question in my mind, I don't regret not having kids but if it were a matter of regret I would rather regret not having them than regret having them.
The answer sounds obvious to me, don't bother. The planet seems to be overpopulated and we are using up resources far faster than the earth can replenish the, is it really going to be a great future for kids to be born into?
Don't feel bad about struggling with the question. It's only with the recent advent of birth control that it's become a decision we have to make. Children used to just happen.
I struggle with scaling up my business. I have been working from home for the past 10 years and I have websites that generate ok money ($100K/y). My struggle is I just can't get myself to hire my first full time employee. I tried it many years ago but after facing the headache of hiring, dealing with attrition, training, etc, it took away all my focus from work.
I feel management is a skill I just don't have. Also working from home, staying with my family i now lack the motivation to get up on time and commute, go to an office, etc.
Yet my business is as is for the last many years. I've tried hiring freelancers and VAs but that too never lasts for more that 2 months. Hiring freelance programmers has also never worked for me and in the end I always think it would have been easier if I had done it in the first place.
So that is my biggest struggle for many years now :(
Get a partner who is just as invested as you (deferred equity over a number of years works well) and lean on them for some of the management functions.
I can relate to this. Try to find someone part time who you can trust and will stick around for awhile. Look outside your bubble of hackernews etc, might be a mom or a retired guy, whatever. Baby steps.
This, the people you think wouldn't have the relevant skills can surprise you! My wife went through a couple professional VAs who were... set in their ways and expensive for what they were delivering and then hired a recent college grad with absolutely no experience and she's been a total lifesaver.
Overambitiousness. Or more precisely, actually getting stuff finished because of overambitiousness.
I really need to remember the idea of a minimum viable product and not get sidetracked with 'wouldn't it be cool if' type features that slow everything down.
It's okay if they don't all get made. Just try to learn something from the experience, whether that be new technical skills, best practices, how to identify problems you ran into beforehand, etc.
I have struggled with this ss long as I can remember (programming since 8, I am in my 40s now). The way I combat it is by setting another ambitious goal at the start of a new project; to make at least some money with it as early as possible. That fights with new features; you actually just want to sell instead of adding new features. Now for hobby things that do not make money, I still am overambitious, I guess that is just something I will not get over as I have nothing really to combat it. Even setting goals to really finish something do not matter; my finished product looks like the Taj Mahal in my mind while I am building the garden shed. I have not found the ‘make money’ that applies to hobbies.
Even with physical things; when I go hiking, I always go way too far and end up getting ‘lost’ (never lost, I have google maps, but always thinking; I can go just this path as it takes me deeper!) for a day on a mountain coming out completely physically broken. Luckily I usually have my voice of reason in this case; my wife, who says she is turning back after an hour.
Have you tried yoga? It's kinda like Apple, but instead of just working, it just solves (almost) everything. If you can find a good studio and hang on to it, that might help. Also, I'd recommend Vinyasa, or Ashtanga, or any dynamic variant. Not slow yoga, I feel like it doesn't help letting go as much. Hang in there!
I second the therapist.
But in addition to that I'd also suggest trying a martial art.
Depending on where you live you may have more or less choice in terms of style/school/"hardness"... see what looks fine for you and try it (martial art schools tend to have family/friendship connotations so this would help with isolation too).
I did therapy, martial arts and high speed sports like MX and skiing. Now I just know how to live with depression, it's easy if you learn how not to kill yourself and have friends that enjoy your cynicism.
Certainly do therapy if that makes sense to you and spend some time to find a therapist that really connects with you. One thing that has helped me meet people is becoming a "regular" at my local coffee shop. Not only do the baristas know me but I've gotten to know some of the other regulars over time. It's nice because you can have a chat without a lot of expectation or stress.
Hey I'd suggest going out and just walking around/wandering in peaceful and sometimes semi-crowded places. I find that it
Also more scientifically, the vitamin D probably helps[0] (there are more recent papers so do some searching), and exposure to people probably helps[1] -- you can be in a situation with people around, but you're not required to interact with them. Eventually I get the feeling that you'll venture out little by little with a more interaction to spice up the walks.
I used to have a lot of social anxiety. For me the cure was forcing myself to go out. I started with really geeky meetups where I didn't find anyone intimidating and we all shared common interests. It was really hard, I felt like I had so many failures, I had anxiety every single time I went, I had times when I felt I was improving then times when I felt I was reverting backwards.
Accept that there will be failures, but know that you're making progress because of those failures. Force yourself out and get social exposure. It will eventually almost entirely fade away.
I can so specifically relate to this struggle. I One year ago I lost my best friend of 32 years, and while I have struggled with depression on and off my whole life, it has now become turbo charged. There is something particularly sobering in the context of one's mortality when you lose someone close, and whose life mirrors your's in many ways. I just wanted to say to hang in there, and when at all possible, if someone invites you somewhere, make yourself go, even if you really don't want to. Sometimes, the body needs the physical activities of non-depressed behavior to kick itself out of it's rut. Such delicate beings we are- electrical and chemical. The pain of loss never goes away, but you will adapt to it and thrive again.
Having enough time to do things. After you have a kid, you can only have one hobby. After you have two kids, it seems you can only have one hobby once in a blue moon.
I sleep five hours a night and get up at 4 to start work so that i can spend the day with my family and not feel guilty about spending a measly one hour hobby coding or writing (and it kills me to choose)
For the record, love my kids, wouldn't change a thing. I just wish I didn't need those five hours sleep
Long-term: dating/relationships. I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone.
Short-term: not much! I recently dropped everything and moved to the other side of the globe (Japan) on a student visa. I'm studying a very interesting language and culture and making friends with people from all over the world that are on average 15 years my junior. I'm also brushing up on technology, learning new programming languages and stacks. This is a sort of sabbatical for me, so I plan on picking up creative hobbies (drawing, making music) as time permits.
Yes, Intercultural Institute of Japan. Awesome school, from all points of view.
You need someone to work out the papers and details for you. That can be your local language school, if you have one, or an international service such as Go Go Nihon.
I strongly recommend getting good at hiragana, katakana, and learning the writing (not the reading) of all 2,200 common kanji before coming here. It will make a huge difference in your rate of learning.
I would focus on that, because they already cover grammar and vocabulary at a reasonable pace here at school. I used Heisig's book and the excellent Kanji Koohii website/progressive app. It's a long business, but not hard at all. It just takes time and dedication, say 1–2 hours every day for several months. But you can and should split that time into small chunks all throughout the day. Basically, whenever you're not actively working, sleeping, or driving, take out your phone and use that app.
Also, if English is your 1st language, get a pronunciation coach. The vowels and many consonants are completely different. If you happen to be Italian, then you're in luck, because we have 99% the same sounds as Japanese. (Only the U is slightly different.)
I'm having a blast. Best move of my life! The only thing I slightly regret is not doing it 10 years ago. But it's still ok.
I'm loving the place (Tokyo), the culture, the opportunities, the food, the way of life, and I'm making tons of friends.
If I can get proficient in the language (it's looking good, I'm top of the class for now) I'll look for a job here, hopefully for an American tech company. I have a CS degree and 10+ years of experience. English is my 2nd language, but I'm way ahead than in Japanese, plus I'd rather work in a US- or EU-style workplace, because Japanese companies are scary places.
I'd love to make a tech startup, I have tons of ideas. But that will depend on connections, opportunities, and visa status.
Finally, girls seem to be more interested in me here, and the social dynamics seem more... relaxed? so I may have a chance to overcome my struggle. But the first step is getting good at the actual language.
" I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable"
I had the same problem. I am sure you have heard this before"you regret what you do not do, not what you did". So SUCK IT UP, and get out there. After a few dates, you will thank me. But I agree the short term sucks, but it will be worth it.
No, in general. If anything, here I'm an "exotic" person who has done a "brave" thing (moving to another continent) and therefore I seem to be more "interesting" than I was back home. Time will tell.
I used to have something similar in terms of dating. Not sure how old you are but once you do it once it gets easier. I had a near death experience at about 25 and a friend showed a romantic interest and we were together for a long while after that. My problem is that I either wasn't interested in anyone or I fell in love completely with all the issues that can cause but for a lot of people dating isn't quite like that...
I'm 21, never asked a girl out. I'm same as you, I think I'm pretty outgoing and generally social (not to social, but I'm ok I guess) and I'm good looking too (I go to the gym 5 days a week). But the whole dating thing seems almost pointlessly stressful to me, I don't even quite know how to do it and at this age it seems embarrassing to be this inexperienced.
Social activities, like all others need to be practiced regularly to become good at them.
Quick question, which produces better results, going to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym over and over in your head? How about public speaking?
Think of it as a muscle to be exercised. An actor friend of mine described acting in the same manner.
But it just seems impossible to practice. I'm 21 years old and at this age everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners but I know that I cannot fulfill those expectations, exactly because of what you said (because I never practiced those muscles). It just feels very strongly like if I ever ask a girl out I'll just make a dick out of myself. Ok, see I'm NOT shy, if I see you in a conference, I'l talk to you. I don't have social anxiety or whatever too. It just feels there is a very high probability me insulting the girl I'm hitting on (and PLEASE don't tell me "you don't have to hit on a girl, just become friends" I have tons of girl friends and that never works, if you don't ask a girl out, no matter how often you guys hang out, you're just always friends. And that's the barrier I keep hitting all the time) and thus ruining everything in a horrible manner.
Might be different nowadays but back when malls were a thing you could just go down to the mall and practice. 1st step for me was to set a goal to approach 100 women (or 50 or 20, whatever you can do) and go do it. They’re all strangers so it doesn’t matter if you goof up or look silly. Don’t focus on the results at first, just the process and mechanics of approaching, and review later what worked and didn’t. It’s like learning any sport or skill. Study, practice, review.
Sign up for a dating website. Don't expect too much out of any particular interaction. Just try to learn from each one and get better. It helps knowing that everybody there is more or less on the same page.
As mixmastamyk said, it's exactly the same as the gym (I work out ~5 days a week too and I started from being the least athletic person in school/college).
I hear people say — I'm already 30 and starting to exercise is too late, or that they're intimidated by other people at the gym, or that they don't know where to start. Having gone through a similar experience as yours, I gotta say you just have to start. Don't overthink it. You'll fail. Try again, keep at it, and eventually there'll be a breaking point.
> everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners
This is the thinking you have to get away from. The expectations are not that great, and if you think they are, this just makes you more anxious. You'll be surprised how forgiving/nice/helpful people can be when you're vulnerable or screw up. So go and do it anyway, and ask forgiveness later.
I discovered that worst-case situations were actually easier, because failure was expected and thus didn't hurt.
Asking out a plain girl was difficult. Asking out an ugly one meant that a rejection would be devastating. ("even the ugly ones reject me")
So, what to do...? I marched myself out to the city park and ordered myself to approach the hottest women I could find.
One day I walked through the park and spotted an impossibly beautiful woman in a skimpy bikini. She was lying on a stone bench, covered in tanning oil. I walked past thinking "damn...", and then I had to walk past her again just to get another look. Then a silly thought popped into my head: "ask her out". Ha, ha, ha... no seriously, do it. You have to. After passing by a few more times, I said to myself that it was hopeless but I'd be kicking myself if I didn't try. Go on, get the rejection, it doesn't matter. She could get any guy, so it doesn't reflect badly. It's just practice. It's good to practice so you don't fumble over your words.
Well, she took me home with her.
I froze hard with shyness soon afterward, but hey, it was progress. Each time gets easier.
Note that I didn't suggest that I thought she'd only judge me on looks. I also was not a doctor or lawyer, and I didn't have the social skills of a politician.
Fundamentally, rejection hurts. The more you get rejected, the more it hurts, because you can no longer excuse it as being about the other person. Recovering from a rejection can take years.
> I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone.
I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing.
Can you contact me at username at gmail? This also goes for anybody else who would like to meet for a drink, or for whatever question about studying / moving to Japan.
Lately I've been struggling with what they call inflated responsibility. I typically ruminate that something I said, something I did, or something I did not say or do will have some large negative effect on some or something and that I will be responsible for it. It's immensely stressful to worry about.
I also struggle with OCD. Have for 2 decades now.
It's easily the #1 thing I struggle with more than anything (repetitive thoughts to be precise) and it's a pain in the *.
if you live in one of the states that allow it, consider looking at CBD oil. my co-worker who describes symptoms like yours and has been taking anxiety medication for years due to a TBI discovered it recently and called it a revelation.
I make <$15/hr doing grunt work. I've been working on a code portfolio, but I don't think it's good enough yet to let me start applying for tech jobs, and I'm not great at algorithms or JS frameworks anyway. So I haven't been.
I try to get at least one Git commit every day, but my job is pretty draining, so that doesn't happen. And sometimes all my projects get blocked on hard stuff that I don't have the energy to solve.
For all I know, I might look alright on paper. I've co-authored a paper in a respectable journal, written a few Rails apps, a few desktop apps, and a crappy interpreter for an old language - which doesn't really use any compiler theory stuff except a simple hand-rolled lexer/parser, so that's probably a strike against me more than anything else. I'd delete it except I want there to be something that lets me step through programs in this thing so when my Project Euler problem attempts in this language fail I can figure out why, which is why I wrote it in the first place. But I keep revising my goals downward. I've been thinking I ought to go get an A+ cert and become an IT grunt - the pay would be a little better than what I'm doing now, I'd be able to afford the occasional steak...
Have you tried applying? You sound at least as qualified as most of the entry-level candidates we get. Maybe send out a dozen resumes and see what sort of response you get before you decide you're not qualified yet!
I can imagine that there are senior engineers that couldn't explain to me what a lexer/parser does let alone elaborate on the trade offs of a specific implementation.
I'm not in the position to hire but send me an email if you want to connect.
I'm not to the stage where I can elaborate on tradeoffs yet either - I just followed a tutorial. And the language it's for doesn't need much in the way of parsing. You can't quite just build an array of tokens and use it as your program stack, but that's only because you have to be able to handle definitions and library imports.
Nothing beats putting in the time, no one is a coding pro by default. Sounds like you're on the right path. Try finding a topic or area that interests you and dive in there a bit. Makes it easier to get those daily commits if it's interesting to you.
You should apply for some junior jobs. Finish up your portfolio and have your code (clean it up if you need to, but don't waste time re-architecting ) available on GitHub.
Start applying at places with small software teams (<20) and something will stick.
You're being very hard on yourself. You're more than ready to excel at a tech job, and in fact you seem to be far more ready than most candidates.
Rather than figure out what code you haven't written or what system you haven't studied, spend the time figuring out what's getting in your way emotionally. Then try to put those fears to the side for a few weeks and start hustling for jobs. Your life is going to change dramatically, and as soon as you're ready to let it!
Don't clean up anything. Just apply for the next 5 development jobs you see. See if you make it to the interview and how that goes.
That will help you understand where you stand.
Also see that other post on imposter syndrome above :)
You don't need to be perfect to start your first job as a developer. You are supposed to learn on the job.
There are people that I have interviewed that didn't even know the bare basics of programming. you are well higher on the list than you think you are. apply.
I have a feeling you are selling yourself short (and being overly hard on yourself, something I'm well acquainted with but more easily recognize in others).
Based on your technical focus, you're clearly (in my opinion) way above the "average" developer in technical ambition and appreciation for computer science.
A bit of unsolicited advice: If you organize your preparations around the concept of providing value to a prospective employer, rather than merely getting hired to write code, then I bet your outlook will change. One book (and definitely not the only one) that can help with that is Bob Martin's The Clean Coder: A Code of Conduct for Professional Programmers:
I know of no other domain where it is expected that you learn on the job and don't come pre-built with all the necessary knowledge to perform on day one.
If you are doing 15$ an hour ask for some place that will hire you for 20$ at the bottom of the barrel, knowing you want to learn on the job and ask if that salary can be reviewed every 3 months.
Also where are you located? Some of us might be looking for interns or junior devs willing to learn.
Have you tried putting yourself out there for work? As patio11 recently said, try to fail out of 20 interviews. It's un-possible -- the hiring process is so broken, you'll get an offer.
Then it's up to you to catch up to their expectations. If you fail in that, so what! You'll have your first gig on your resume, and I bet you'll have learned a lot about working as a dev in that time. You'll be miles ahead of grinding it on your own.
Just have several strategies for coping with failure or disappointing yourself, otherwise it can be extra rough.
Here is what I'd recommend - buy a copy of cracking the code interview (its maybe 20-30$), and do every single problem (or most of them) in there by hand on paper.
Then reach out to some software devs you know and have them give you mock interviews (if you reach out to me I'd be more then willing to help).
Then you will be prepared to ace any big tech co interview. Apply to as many of these jobs as you can (I applied to over 100 and got a job at one of the FAANG). Or if that's not working, you could try something like TripleByte to get in the door
have you heard of interviewing.io for mock interviews? One of my friends is hooked on that site for giving interviews.
If I ever have to interview again, I am going to use that site for a few weeks first.
I've been struggling with adulthood ever since turning 30 and starting a family. I have this image in my head of what life after 30 looks like from seeing my parents and all their friends doing basically the same thing as each other. It's not a life I want for myself, but every decision I make pushes me further and further in that direction. My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.
In order to buck that trend, I've decided to try doing something that goes against my better judgement and pushes me out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping I'll learn a thing or two about forging my own path.
my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.
so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
good luck on this journey, I definitely feel ya.
edit: for me, making the world better (however minutely), and community are important. I now stop & help/talk with homeless people and also started this site: https://www.spane.org
> my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.
> so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
This is so very true. You'll do much better off doing a (useful) thing that you care about than trying to force yourself to do a lucrative thing that you don't care about.
Basically I'm scaling back my profit making in order to focus more on doing what I'm passionate about which doesn't have some monetary end goal. It's not practical, but provides a sense of fulfillment to me and will allow me to meet other people who are of a similar mind. I'll earn a lot less and won't have creature comforts like living with a view of the ocean, but that's just part of the tradeoff. My wife fully supports the decision.
I was raised around a bunch of conservative business owners where everything has an opportunity cost and spending time or money on something that has no tangible return value is considered silly. Not that there is anything wrong with that way of life, but it basically turns into a cycle of work, sleep, eat (which is what my life has been for the last couple years).
I am pretty sure the solution to this is "DON'T". As in, don't start a family until you want to be tied down. Of course, there is that whole thing where you miss out on that aspect of life. It's a pretty expensive aspect though.
> My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.
Freedom from something is not freedom though because you are modeling your life as a reaction to thing you are trying to free yourself from so you are still tied to that thing.
Lol 30 year old midlife crisis. Wait till you are 50 and you look back and think of what you didn’t do. The flip side is you can look back at what you did with some satisfaction.
My point is that 30 is not old by any measure. Barring bad luck, you still have another 40 to 50 years to do something different.
I'm intentionally delaying marriage and kids partly for this reason. I think it's important to not feel like too much is left on the table before settling down. I'm 27 now and not planning to have kids until 35 at the earliest.
A lot of it is that I'm only just evolving into the person I want to be (more disciplined, focused on the right objectives, happier, etc), and I want to capitalize on that. I studied pretty hard all the way through to the end of college. Then worked really hard after that. I think I missed out on a good amount of what makes youth enjoyable as a result.
So I look at the time between my late-twenties and mid-thirties as a chance at a redo, but this time with better financial security. It's actually a lot more fun when you're more experienced, know more about what makes you tick, and have optionality.
I sometimes wonder how many very ambitious people have a similar life experience.
My wife and I actually used a similar thought process to decide to have kids at 25, haha! We decided that since we were going to spend the ages of 25 to 45 working our asses off regardless, we figured that we'd rather be done childrearing in our 40s instead of our 50s, then we'd have more money and life experience to draw on to really enjoy the the years before we're too old to be out and about much. In our case, we didn't want to take those later middle age years off the table.
That said, I definitely think your strategy is a good one. My parents had me around 35 and I know that their age and stability contributed a lot to an excellent childhood.
Very much in the same boat, I've been doing something similar and trying to pursue some long-term lofty objectives without compromising my current work/life situation. Making steady progress on personal projects helps a ton.
All the comments applaud the change and to avoid the unavoidable, but isn't the unavoidable a "normal" path almost everybody takes? When you are young, you have all the options. When you're done studying, you realize you choose a path. And the options deminish. Than family life, husband/wife, kids. Now you're options are crushed. You need the income. The kids need the stable home. Of course there are a lot of variations (people not studying, not having kids, being wealthy, etc), but I think the majority do study, work and have kids.
I wonder, is your father still around? Did he have other plans? Or, like you, "life happened"?
I'm not saying you shouldn't spice up your life by getting out of your comfort zone. I'm saying, accept the part that "life happened". You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us. Now make the best of it!
> You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us.
Earlier in your comment you say "Of course there are a lot of variations", but then here you treat it as if everyone ("the rest of us") walks that same path. Not everyone does.
Exactly the same (minus the family). In my mid-30s and every time a friend settles down I feel a little drawn toward the path of my parents, but without any real compelling reason other than social pressure. It might have to be something I simply do out of boredom rather than desire.
I used to really hate the idea of me living an ordinary life, but I think at some point I realized trying to do extraordinary stuff was stressing me out way too much, and now I’m hard at work being as ordinary as possible.
I think my goals have shifted from providing the best life for myself in the future to providing the best life for my child in the future, and I seem to be completely at peace with that.
You seem to be equating "extraordinary" life with "providing the best life for oneself" and an "ordinary" life with "providing the best life for one's child". Is that correct? If so, I don't see why that should be.
It need not be. But almost always is. As your ability to take risks diminish you live an "ordinary" life. To provide stability for your family you almost always take that route. Sure there are exceptions, but those are just that.
Not necessarily, that was just the way things turned out. The shift in my thinking and having a baby happened more or less at the same time, but it had begun before.
When you are young, you have a lot of potential. You really have the potential to be anything. As you get older, you lose that potential by making choices that limit your choices in the future. In exchange, you actually become something or do something worthwhile, instead of doing nothing worthwhile but having the potential to do anything.
figuring out how to be a good partner to my boyfriend who just admitted he was molested as a child. he says he doesn't want to talk about it but he's also the one who's brought it up on multiple occasions. we both have very bad past experiences with counseling and medication, so it is unlikely he'd be very receptive to going down that road again. he's the most loving and beautiful person i've ever known & i want nothing more than to show him that he can still be loved by not treating him any differently than i would otherwise but is that really and different from repression? there's also the fear that he's becoming very dependent upon me while my own mental illness is still very much unresolved. he still lives with his abuser and i really want to get him out of that situation but if i take him in, it'll create a situation where he is both emotionally and financially reliant.
any advice would be deeply appreciated
People grow, and you can encourage/assist, but each person ultimately has to choose for themself. If he needed to get out from his abuser he could presumably do it on his own, with varying levels of difficulty / pain. The fact that he hasn't done so means you would be "saving" him, a terrible choice. Unless he takes the step himself to become a fully self-reliant adult he is very unlikely to become that person under your protection.
Alternatively you could help him escape and provide a safe place for him to grow, while realizing that your relationship will probably be doomed in the process. I don't recommend this path.
There's a lot of ways to help besides getting someone set up with medication or a therapist. One thing I can advise is that it's important to (continue to) have patience. Patience is a really powerful thing.
I know this suggestion sounds hilarious but look into the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. I've seen it recommended on mental health forums, for anyone, including with no clinical diagnoses. From what I understand, CBT is not a process that is just for people with a specific set of disorders, but for everyone, and the usual setting of the therapist's office isn't the sole way to go about exploring it.
I don't have many more specific actionable ideas but I would look at forums (Reddit or maybe somewhere else) for people with similar positions who have been given advice. Just know that if you and him can't do one-on-one therapist visits or medication there is not nothing you can do. Being there to listen to him and communicating with him every day is better infinitely better than nothing.
I struggle with cronic injuries. Over the years I've accumulated a few different injuries to my shoulder, back and knee which put me in a constant state of pain. It's not debilitating but it is relentless. I'm always around a 3/10 on my pain scale, which just means I'm always uncomfortable. I can manage with stretching and some targeted exercises, but generally my injuries do not subside.
I've taken classes, done simple stuff, talk about it with friends who are coders, but I just can't seem to get a job.
I've tried making a move to a programmer position in my last two jobs, but I either blow the interview, or my department holds me back cause they need me, or in my current job they tell me that they only hire level 3 engineers...
I can't find junior software engineer positions that would even interview me and it's become a thing that all I'll be good for is application support, no matter how much knowledge I show about programming and logic
To get some credentials you need a body of work or a degree. Volunteer program, either for a charity or an open source project. Then you can reference that.
A number of years ago, a friend of mine did some work on an open source C++ library. Google called him.
Insomnia, it's a fun one. I have learned patience, and through the buddhist approach to non-self a way to deal with my suffering. I'm tired, a lot, but sometimes I'm not! I've learned to appreciate those times immensely instead of focusing on wanting to be in a state that is unattainable. I'm not fully in control, and that's ok, I do what I can, when I can.
I want to leave my country for work/ study reasons, but I don't know how to start or where to look. I'm a EE graduated from a university here in South America (Chile) and currently working as a SW lead in IoT / fullstack projects.
Every time I look outside (linkedin, /cscareerquestions, HN), there are people with far more experience or qualifications. It makes me feel my ideas are all wishful thinking. That the success that I have attained here is just because "it's a shallow pond" and nothing else.
And when I look at grad programs (master); they require far more money that I have with me right now. I would love to get a master in SWE (part of the reason for going abroad), but I don't feel good enough for a scholarship/financial aid.
If you'd like to move, my company is always hiring every kind of developer. Most roles are in the US, but there are others elsewhere. We also sponsor visas.
Intenta conseguir trabajo en Estados Unidos. Para los chilenos es mas facil que incluso un Europeo conseguir trabajo en Estados Unidos por la visa H1B1. Pero ojo que solo las empresas grandes estan dispuestas a hacer la pega que implica (Abogados y esas cosas). Ademas a los SW les pagan mucho mejor aqui que en cualquier parte del mundo.
Source: Chileno en USA
translation
Try to get a job in the United States. It is easier for Chileans than even a European to get work in the United States for the H1B1 visa. But beware that only large companies are willing to make the implication (Lawyers and those things). In addition to the SW they pay much better here than anywhere in the world. Source: Chilean in the USA
Dont short sell Chile/South America/ Yourself. I understand you are free to look for options and I think it can be a great experience personally , career-wise and financially , but dont get frustrated if it does not happen overnight. Your brain power, imagination, work-ethic , ambitions will be the same in Oakland than in Penalolen (Ceteris Paribus).
Creo que lo que te quiero decir es que estando en Chile tambien puedes hacer muchas cosas interesantes, incluso tan buenas que no necesites emigrar. Estamos en un mundo globalizado. Mucha suerte.
PS. This is for jobs, if you want to study by all means prepare yourself, apply to top schools and hit it out of the park.
Procrastination - wanting to accomplish things (technical things - learn new language, stack, technology) in my head but not actually starting/completing them. I've tried to minimize my hobbies and whatnot so that I'm not being torn in too many directions but I guess I just aspire to do more software dev-type activities (in my head) but after a day job related to that I can't quite muster up the energy (default to FO4, Youtube or guitar).
I had been dealing with this myself. It took a lot of work but I managed to break out of my rut of self fulfilling procrastination. I always let myself be overworked until I had no time for the things I wanted to do. So it wasn't my fault I didn't do any of things I wanted to do.
But I managed to get myself straitened out at the end of last year and into this year. I got myself back on track, I've been reading a book a month, I study and passed my GRE, and I got into Grad School (classes just started a couple of weeks ago).
You can pull yourself out of what ever is stopping you, I believe in you.
I also noticed that after a day at work, I don't really feel like doing anything other than browsing the internet or reading. What's worked for me is recognizing that and moving things I want to do to the morning instead. I'll go to bed at 9 or 10 and get up at 5 or 6, spend a couple hours in the morning working on whatever project is currently interesting to me, and then go to work. I do find that by the end of the work day I'm not as motivated/productive, but that's a trade-off I've accepted. Something like this could work for you too!
Also, I find that I am 1000% more likely to do something if I tell someone else that I'm going to do it and ask them to hold me to it (and ask about my progress every so often). I wonder if this could help you to make more progress towards your goals?
Feel free to respond to this or send me an email at my username @gmail if you want to chat more about this... I'm also looking for ways to conquer procrastination and get more done!
Zen Mind Beginners Mind - I'm not religious in the slightest but I knew a part of my problem was that I wasn't really being self aware. I had friend that was into meditation and swore it helped him be more self aware. So I picked up this book and read it along side using the Headspace app to get into meditation. I use it as a moment of calm and clarity, to regain my thoughts, and refocus. Especially when I feel procrastination kicking in. It helped me calm down and identify why I was procrastinating and often come up with a plan to deal with whatever was making me want to procrastinate. I found I was often thinking or focusing or stressing about something else instead of focusing on me and my wants.
The Now Habit - This was a book a friend of mine recommended to me. They said it helped them breakout of the rut they felt they were stuck in. It definitely helped me a bit. At the very least it helped me identify the things I wanted to do and do them. While also enjoying myself with the "Guilt Free Play" he talks about being important.
7 Habits of Highly Successful People: This book was another friend recommendation, that helped me focus on and deal with my own internal issues that was encouraging my procrastination. I was able to start identifying them and working on them.
It took me about 6 months of diligent work to get myself out of my procrastinating funk and get myself to a place where I was starting to be happy with what I did. I still occasionally break these books out and go over them, I still meditate to help me keep focused, etc. There isn't some quick fix to deal with it, but I believe you can learn to manage and deal with your procrastination like I have.
It's funny reading this, because I just implemented these exact strategies recently and have been seeing great success with it. I could have written this comment myself.
Accountability is huge - don't have that for any of my projects so that's a great idea.
Early mornings are a great idea too, but my default body clock is night owl, not morning person so I find it very tough to get up and do anything intensive in the morning. I'm sure that can be changed with time/effort, but it's a tough one (especially with a kid that might get up at 5 or 6 any given day)
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[ 2.2 ms ] story [ 303 ms ] threadSpecifically, going to bed early enough regularly.
Feels like my day has 24.5 hours, so each day shifts back by 30 minutes
http://slatestarcodex.com/2018/07/10/melatonin-much-more-tha...
if you scroll towards the bottom it talks about how you can use melatonin to deal with a weird sleep cycle like this.
What I do different to other coders I have noticed when doing code reviews is I do a lot less copy/paste and like to think about how to put code together in a better way. I also find it hard to do boring work fast, I get distracted. I also find it hard to focus in a noisy office so that can slow me down too. Some joker comes up and makes some jokes and all the state I have built up in my head is lost.
https://www.monkeyuser.com/assets/images/2018/79-focus.png
It seems redundant but it actually forces me to do a quick think-through of what's happening. Plus distractions get a lot easier to handle: I just need to read what I've written down to reload the context.
Paradoxically, I've found that this method of typing out _more stuff_ actually helps me finish much faster.
- I have an org-mode document with a TODO list and project notes always open. Whenever I'm stuck, I'll start decomposing the task into smaller and smaller TODO items, simultaneously with doing a written brainstorm. Sometimes I'll write out a hundred lines of text, but it does help me get unstuck.
- Similar to what you mention, I frequently write a TODO list in comment as a scaffolding in the file I work on, and I then proceed to fill the space between TODO items with appropriate code.
(off-topic) Org mode is really amazing. I've transitioned almost completely from Emacs to Vim over the last few years but I still have Emacs on my dock only because of `org-mode`. I've tried substitutes in vim but nothing really works.
(back on topic) Another advantage of writing comments is coming back to the code becomes so much easier. I can re-read the comments and understand what's going on much faster.
To do this properly I've developed a simple system of 'categories' that allow me to structure the comments properly. I think they works really well. For anyone curious - here's an example in my last weekend project: https://github.com/theproductiveprogrammer/luminate
Check out the comments in the code (`main.js`). I think they make the code much easier to understand and maintain. It's almost an alternative to TDD - Comment Driven Design (CDD!)
This is a modern version of an old problem, now with all the micromanagement tracking and Github stats, etc. But it's all equivalent to the practice of counting lines of code. And it's wrong for all the same reasons.
My answer to this is the same for the last 10+ years. Management needs to read The Mythical Man-Month and internalize it, and you need to find a new job.
Too many companies out there think they can run their bloated organization as lean as a startup with all the cruft a "best practices" operation has. Unit tests, end-to-end tests, proper QA, peer review, various code sign-offs, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, Joe Bob Developer at Startup Inc. has root access to the prod server and pushed to prod three times before lunch.
The Dunning-Kruger effect describes people who don't know very much, but think they know a lot.
Which qualifies you to sit back, quit struggling, and chuckle at that dilemma you were (and so many are still) caught in.
This struggle burns me out.
On the attractiveness front, I have a still very attractive wife that takes care of herself. I think a lot of your worries are in the selection of a partner. And of course, you must keep up your end of the bargain, so lead by example, stay fit. It's a partnership, after all.
At the time I met my wife, I was dating quite a bit and had many options, but she just clicked with me immediately. She was gorgeous, and a genuinely-compassionate person. We don't post lovey #YOLO posts to each other on Instagram. We argue a lot, that's fine, we work through it. We stay committed.
I guess my point here is that nothing comes easy. It takes nurturing and humility.
Sometimes, when I'm alone and introspecting and my thoughts venture a little dark, I ask myself if I could turn back time would I do it again, or would I stay a swinging bachelor? And so far, my answer has always been "Hell yes, I would do it again".
I want her to be the best person she can be, and that will involve more compromise on my part: hosting a single dad's night with the kids, entertaining the kids more, cooking dinner, washing the dishes. Had a long day at work and the dishes need to be done? Beat her to it and do them. It'll pay dividends.
You are/will be with a human being with flaws and complex emotions. Try to be patient, vulnerable, and understanding. And DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY, stay faithful.
That said, I'm a crappy husband. I'm often moody myself, stressed, a bit of a dick. I try not to beat myself up too bad anymore. I treat everyday like that Groundhog's Day movie. I just try to be better the next day and make my apologies when I need to.
Find the beauty in all the flaws and frailty of humans. Good luck.
I don't regret having kids, but this really caught me by surprise, and not until several years after our first was born did it really sink in how our relationship had changed and how long that phase lasts. (well beyond the infant/toddler years)
This is a boost I would never miss out.
The opposite of an unwanted responsibility (a burden) is a wanted responsibility. Another word for wanted responsibility is investment. For example, the CEO of a startup has a wanted responsibility to make their company succeed. This is an investment that could pay off big time if they put in the work now.
Thus, whether children are a burden or investment is really up to your mindset.
2) I regret not starting to have kids earlier, as I wish I had more.
3) What kids want most is your time, not STUFF. So yes your free time goes away, but it does come back as they get older.
4) Kids are great fun.
5) Yes your wife will change, but so will you.
I think it is important to make up your mind (with your current significant other; another relation might swing your opinion, it happens a lot); I know many people where one of the two wanted kids (usually the woman but in some cases the man) and that ended up badly after getting kids; sometimes a long time after, but when you get older you notice this 1/3rd divorce thing is real and with those couples the fights (I sat on the embarrassing end of dinners at friends...) ends with something like ‘but you took away my youth’.
Too many people still have a baby to save the relationship; maybe it works for some, but it didn’t for the people I know anyway.
As for a burden; I know people get a lot of satisfaction from kids. If I had them I would be full in as I do with everything. Probably so would you. It is more important to think of your future plans and ambitions maybe; my wife and myself are people with a lot of plans, always had those and we wanted to execute them. I do not believe in having kids and then having them raised by the nanny and boarding school. Children simply did not fit; if we would have had ‘an accident’, we always said we would have kept her/him and would’ve had a second one and change our planning to ‘settle down’. Accidents did not happen and we were free to follow our planning and not ‘settle down’.
Because, what the hell!
I think having kids is the best thing ever. But try to also have time for them and connect. I think some dads struggle, who are hardly ever around.
For example I didn't expect the first year to be very interesting, but actually a lot of things happened and a lot of phases happened and then were over forever (like having the baby sleep on your belly), so now I pity dads who miss out on all of that.
As for wives turning unattractive - having kids is a great source for fights, it definitely can be a strain on the relationship. The problem is, it is easy to be forgiving about stuff concerning yourself. For your kid, not so much - if you believe ice cream is instantly going to give your kid diabetes, and the mum believes touching an iPhone will immediately fry its brain and forever turn the kid into a zombie, it is difficult to be forgiving.
Also, lets face it, the mother will have you by the balls, because she can threaten to walk out and take kids (and probably also the house) at any time.
Many mothers still look hot, but perhaps, once they have you by the balls, there is less incentive to stay in shape. I don't know...
The struggle and burden is real, though most people wrongly assume that it is a linear function of the number of kids. It isn't so bad. The first one upturns your life. The second and third are much less trouble. After that, the only thing you notice is when you outgrow a vehicle. I'm at a 15-passenger van now, which is hard to outgrow before the oldest kids learn to drive.
Once you have a couple kids, you might as well have a dozen.
By "unattractive moms" do you refer to flabby bellies? Yeah, that happens... but then again, to some extent it happens anyway, and we all end up looking awful in the end. If you meant presentation (makeup, hair style, high heels...) then I don't know what to say because I purposely picked a woman with a plain all-natural style.
You make completele sense. But you didn't; at one time.
It took a lot of convincing before we had our first one. I was terrified and completely worried about everything all the time.
The second also took some convincing. But after he came; I really felt like I could handle anything. After a few months of both; I no longer had these worries about adding more kids. I don't think there's much difference between 2+ and 20.
Here's to hoping we all age perfectly!
I feel management is a skill I just don't have. Also working from home, staying with my family i now lack the motivation to get up on time and commute, go to an office, etc.
Yet my business is as is for the last many years. I've tried hiring freelancers and VAs but that too never lasts for more that 2 months. Hiring freelance programmers has also never worked for me and in the end I always think it would have been easier if I had done it in the first place.
So that is my biggest struggle for many years now :(
This advice gets thrown around a lot, and while it's helpful as an option to consider, it often doesn't solve the posed issue.
I really need to remember the idea of a minimum viable product and not get sidetracked with 'wouldn't it be cool if' type features that slow everything down.
Even with physical things; when I go hiking, I always go way too far and end up getting ‘lost’ (never lost, I have google maps, but always thinking; I can go just this path as it takes me deeper!) for a day on a mountain coming out completely physically broken. Luckily I usually have my voice of reason in this case; my wife, who says she is turning back after an hour.
I have a lot of social anxiety and I feel really isolated, my best friend passed two years ago which didn't make anything better.
Isolation makes depression into a feedback loop, and it feels like you keep sinking deeper and deeper.
In any case, therapist first.
Also more scientifically, the vitamin D probably helps[0] (there are more recent papers so do some searching), and exposure to people probably helps[1] -- you can be in a situation with people around, but you're not required to interact with them. Eventually I get the feeling that you'll venture out little by little with a more interaction to spice up the walks.
[0]: https://www.spectracell.com/media/uploaded/5/0e3256693_14009...
[1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy
Accept that there will be failures, but know that you're making progress because of those failures. Force yourself out and get social exposure. It will eventually almost entirely fade away.
I sleep five hours a night and get up at 4 to start work so that i can spend the day with my family and not feel guilty about spending a measly one hour hobby coding or writing (and it kills me to choose)
For the record, love my kids, wouldn't change a thing. I just wish I didn't need those five hours sleep
Short-term: not much! I recently dropped everything and moved to the other side of the globe (Japan) on a student visa. I'm studying a very interesting language and culture and making friends with people from all over the world that are on average 15 years my junior. I'm also brushing up on technology, learning new programming languages and stacks. This is a sort of sabbatical for me, so I plan on picking up creative hobbies (drawing, making music) as time permits.
You need someone to work out the papers and details for you. That can be your local language school, if you have one, or an international service such as Go Go Nihon.
I strongly recommend getting good at hiragana, katakana, and learning the writing (not the reading) of all 2,200 common kanji before coming here. It will make a huge difference in your rate of learning.
I would focus on that, because they already cover grammar and vocabulary at a reasonable pace here at school. I used Heisig's book and the excellent Kanji Koohii website/progressive app. It's a long business, but not hard at all. It just takes time and dedication, say 1–2 hours every day for several months. But you can and should split that time into small chunks all throughout the day. Basically, whenever you're not actively working, sleeping, or driving, take out your phone and use that app.
Also, if English is your 1st language, get a pronunciation coach. The vowels and many consonants are completely different. If you happen to be Italian, then you're in luck, because we have 99% the same sounds as Japanese. (Only the U is slightly different.)
I'm having a blast. Best move of my life! The only thing I slightly regret is not doing it 10 years ago. But it's still ok.
I'm loving the place (Tokyo), the culture, the opportunities, the food, the way of life, and I'm making tons of friends.
If I can get proficient in the language (it's looking good, I'm top of the class for now) I'll look for a job here, hopefully for an American tech company. I have a CS degree and 10+ years of experience. English is my 2nd language, but I'm way ahead than in Japanese, plus I'd rather work in a US- or EU-style workplace, because Japanese companies are scary places.
I'd love to make a tech startup, I have tons of ideas. But that will depend on connections, opportunities, and visa status.
Finally, girls seem to be more interested in me here, and the social dynamics seem more... relaxed? so I may have a chance to overcome my struggle. But the first step is getting good at the actual language.
I had the same problem. I am sure you have heard this before"you regret what you do not do, not what you did". So SUCK IT UP, and get out there. After a few dates, you will thank me. But I agree the short term sucks, but it will be worth it.
Quick question, which produces better results, going to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym over and over in your head? How about public speaking?
Think of it as a muscle to be exercised. An actor friend of mine described acting in the same manner.
I hear people say — I'm already 30 and starting to exercise is too late, or that they're intimidated by other people at the gym, or that they don't know where to start. Having gone through a similar experience as yours, I gotta say you just have to start. Don't overthink it. You'll fail. Try again, keep at it, and eventually there'll be a breaking point.
Good luck.
This is the thinking you have to get away from. The expectations are not that great, and if you think they are, this just makes you more anxious. You'll be surprised how forgiving/nice/helpful people can be when you're vulnerable or screw up. So go and do it anyway, and ask forgiveness later.
I discovered that worst-case situations were actually easier, because failure was expected and thus didn't hurt.
Asking out a plain girl was difficult. Asking out an ugly one meant that a rejection would be devastating. ("even the ugly ones reject me")
So, what to do...? I marched myself out to the city park and ordered myself to approach the hottest women I could find.
One day I walked through the park and spotted an impossibly beautiful woman in a skimpy bikini. She was lying on a stone bench, covered in tanning oil. I walked past thinking "damn...", and then I had to walk past her again just to get another look. Then a silly thought popped into my head: "ask her out". Ha, ha, ha... no seriously, do it. You have to. After passing by a few more times, I said to myself that it was hopeless but I'd be kicking myself if I didn't try. Go on, get the rejection, it doesn't matter. She could get any guy, so it doesn't reflect badly. It's just practice. It's good to practice so you don't fumble over your words.
Well, she took me home with her.
I froze hard with shyness soon afterward, but hey, it was progress. Each time gets easier.
Fundamentally, rejection hurts. The more you get rejected, the more it hurts, because you can no longer excuse it as being about the other person. Recovering from a rejection can take years.
I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing.
[0] https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-... [1] Better known for his book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck' [2] https://markmanson.net/archive
Can you contact me at username at gmail? This also goes for anybody else who would like to meet for a drink, or for whatever question about studying / moving to Japan.
Lately I've been struggling with what they call inflated responsibility. I typically ruminate that something I said, something I did, or something I did not say or do will have some large negative effect on some or something and that I will be responsible for it. It's immensely stressful to worry about.
I'm seeing a therapist to work on my issues.
I try to get at least one Git commit every day, but my job is pretty draining, so that doesn't happen. And sometimes all my projects get blocked on hard stuff that I don't have the energy to solve.
For all I know, I might look alright on paper. I've co-authored a paper in a respectable journal, written a few Rails apps, a few desktop apps, and a crappy interpreter for an old language - which doesn't really use any compiler theory stuff except a simple hand-rolled lexer/parser, so that's probably a strike against me more than anything else. I'd delete it except I want there to be something that lets me step through programs in this thing so when my Project Euler problem attempts in this language fail I can figure out why, which is why I wrote it in the first place. But I keep revising my goals downward. I've been thinking I ought to go get an A+ cert and become an IT grunt - the pay would be a little better than what I'm doing now, I'd be able to afford the occasional steak...
I'm not in the position to hire but send me an email if you want to connect.
Are there any good books on compiler theory?
Start applying at places with small software teams (<20) and something will stick.
Maybe get some kind of online cert (AWS dev?).
Good luck!
You're being very hard on yourself. You're more than ready to excel at a tech job, and in fact you seem to be far more ready than most candidates.
Rather than figure out what code you haven't written or what system you haven't studied, spend the time figuring out what's getting in your way emotionally. Then try to put those fears to the side for a few weeks and start hustling for jobs. Your life is going to change dramatically, and as soon as you're ready to let it!
Based on your technical focus, you're clearly (in my opinion) way above the "average" developer in technical ambition and appreciation for computer science.
A bit of unsolicited advice: If you organize your preparations around the concept of providing value to a prospective employer, rather than merely getting hired to write code, then I bet your outlook will change. One book (and definitely not the only one) that can help with that is Bob Martin's The Clean Coder: A Code of Conduct for Professional Programmers:
https://www.amazon.com/Clean-Coder-Conduct-Professional-Prog...
If you are doing 15$ an hour ask for some place that will hire you for 20$ at the bottom of the barrel, knowing you want to learn on the job and ask if that salary can be reviewed every 3 months.
Also where are you located? Some of us might be looking for interns or junior devs willing to learn.
Then it's up to you to catch up to their expectations. If you fail in that, so what! You'll have your first gig on your resume, and I bet you'll have learned a lot about working as a dev in that time. You'll be miles ahead of grinding it on your own.
Just have several strategies for coping with failure or disappointing yourself, otherwise it can be extra rough.
Then reach out to some software devs you know and have them give you mock interviews (if you reach out to me I'd be more then willing to help).
Then you will be prepared to ace any big tech co interview. Apply to as many of these jobs as you can (I applied to over 100 and got a job at one of the FAANG). Or if that's not working, you could try something like TripleByte to get in the door
But so far nobody's expressed interest in the interpreter for the old language. What language was it? I'm very curious!
In order to buck that trend, I've decided to try doing something that goes against my better judgement and pushes me out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping I'll learn a thing or two about forging my own path.
my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.
so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
good luck on this journey, I definitely feel ya.
edit: for me, making the world better (however minutely), and community are important. I now stop & help/talk with homeless people and also started this site: https://www.spane.org
> so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
This is so very true. You'll do much better off doing a (useful) thing that you care about than trying to force yourself to do a lucrative thing that you don't care about.
I was raised around a bunch of conservative business owners where everything has an opportunity cost and spending time or money on something that has no tangible return value is considered silly. Not that there is anything wrong with that way of life, but it basically turns into a cycle of work, sleep, eat (which is what my life has been for the last couple years).
I'm just reading it, and at the very least it may help recognize the various trap we're in and a way to forge a path to get out of them.
Freedom from something is not freedom though because you are modeling your life as a reaction to thing you are trying to free yourself from so you are still tied to that thing.
My point is that 30 is not old by any measure. Barring bad luck, you still have another 40 to 50 years to do something different.
A lot of it is that I'm only just evolving into the person I want to be (more disciplined, focused on the right objectives, happier, etc), and I want to capitalize on that. I studied pretty hard all the way through to the end of college. Then worked really hard after that. I think I missed out on a good amount of what makes youth enjoyable as a result.
So I look at the time between my late-twenties and mid-thirties as a chance at a redo, but this time with better financial security. It's actually a lot more fun when you're more experienced, know more about what makes you tick, and have optionality.
I sometimes wonder how many very ambitious people have a similar life experience.
That said, I definitely think your strategy is a good one. My parents had me around 35 and I know that their age and stability contributed a lot to an excellent childhood.
I wonder, is your father still around? Did he have other plans? Or, like you, "life happened"?
I'm not saying you shouldn't spice up your life by getting out of your comfort zone. I'm saying, accept the part that "life happened". You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us. Now make the best of it!
Earlier in your comment you say "Of course there are a lot of variations", but then here you treat it as if everyone ("the rest of us") walks that same path. Not everyone does.
Everyone who is “normal” has quirks. If you don’t see any then you haven’t looked closely enough.
I think my goals have shifted from providing the best life for myself in the future to providing the best life for my child in the future, and I seem to be completely at peace with that.
People grow, and you can encourage/assist, but each person ultimately has to choose for themself. If he needed to get out from his abuser he could presumably do it on his own, with varying levels of difficulty / pain. The fact that he hasn't done so means you would be "saving" him, a terrible choice. Unless he takes the step himself to become a fully self-reliant adult he is very unlikely to become that person under your protection.
Alternatively you could help him escape and provide a safe place for him to grow, while realizing that your relationship will probably be doomed in the process. I don't recommend this path.
I know this suggestion sounds hilarious but look into the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. I've seen it recommended on mental health forums, for anyone, including with no clinical diagnoses. From what I understand, CBT is not a process that is just for people with a specific set of disorders, but for everyone, and the usual setting of the therapist's office isn't the sole way to go about exploring it.
I don't have many more specific actionable ideas but I would look at forums (Reddit or maybe somewhere else) for people with similar positions who have been given advice. Just know that if you and him can't do one-on-one therapist visits or medication there is not nothing you can do. Being there to listen to him and communicating with him every day is better infinitely better than nothing.
I've taken classes, done simple stuff, talk about it with friends who are coders, but I just can't seem to get a job.
I've tried making a move to a programmer position in my last two jobs, but I either blow the interview, or my department holds me back cause they need me, or in my current job they tell me that they only hire level 3 engineers...
I can't find junior software engineer positions that would even interview me and it's become a thing that all I'll be good for is application support, no matter how much knowledge I show about programming and logic
edit: Thanks for the down vote!
A number of years ago, a friend of mine did some work on an open source C++ library. Google called him.
I'm like the smartest guy in the world, and I can't believe how mediocre everyone else is.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annus_Mirabilis_papers
https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
Every time I look outside (linkedin, /cscareerquestions, HN), there are people with far more experience or qualifications. It makes me feel my ideas are all wishful thinking. That the success that I have attained here is just because "it's a shallow pond" and nothing else.
And when I look at grad programs (master); they require far more money that I have with me right now. I would love to get a master in SWE (part of the reason for going abroad), but I don't feel good enough for a scholarship/financial aid.
If you're interested, my email is in my bio.
From google translate: https://goo.gl/N57zNf
Creo que lo que te quiero decir es que estando en Chile tambien puedes hacer muchas cosas interesantes, incluso tan buenas que no necesites emigrar. Estamos en un mundo globalizado. Mucha suerte.
PS. This is for jobs, if you want to study by all means prepare yourself, apply to top schools and hit it out of the park.
But I managed to get myself straitened out at the end of last year and into this year. I got myself back on track, I've been reading a book a month, I study and passed my GRE, and I got into Grad School (classes just started a couple of weeks ago).
You can pull yourself out of what ever is stopping you, I believe in you.
Also, I find that I am 1000% more likely to do something if I tell someone else that I'm going to do it and ask them to hold me to it (and ask about my progress every so often). I wonder if this could help you to make more progress towards your goals?
Feel free to respond to this or send me an email at my username @gmail if you want to chat more about this... I'm also looking for ways to conquer procrastination and get more done!
Zen Mind Beginners Mind - I'm not religious in the slightest but I knew a part of my problem was that I wasn't really being self aware. I had friend that was into meditation and swore it helped him be more self aware. So I picked up this book and read it along side using the Headspace app to get into meditation. I use it as a moment of calm and clarity, to regain my thoughts, and refocus. Especially when I feel procrastination kicking in. It helped me calm down and identify why I was procrastinating and often come up with a plan to deal with whatever was making me want to procrastinate. I found I was often thinking or focusing or stressing about something else instead of focusing on me and my wants.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590308492/ref=oh_aui_deta...
The Now Habit - This was a book a friend of mine recommended to me. They said it helped them breakout of the rut they felt they were stuck in. It definitely helped me a bit. At the very least it helped me identify the things I wanted to do and do them. While also enjoying myself with the "Guilt Free Play" he talks about being important.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001QNVP7M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...
7 Habits of Highly Successful People: This book was another friend recommendation, that helped me focus on and deal with my own internal issues that was encouraging my procrastination. I was able to start identifying them and working on them.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01069X4H0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...
It took me about 6 months of diligent work to get myself out of my procrastinating funk and get myself to a place where I was starting to be happy with what I did. I still occasionally break these books out and go over them, I still meditate to help me keep focused, etc. There isn't some quick fix to deal with it, but I believe you can learn to manage and deal with your procrastination like I have.
Early mornings are a great idea too, but my default body clock is night owl, not morning person so I find it very tough to get up and do anything intensive in the morning. I'm sure that can be changed with time/effort, but it's a tough one (especially with a kid that might get up at 5 or 6 any given day)